Should You Ask Your Ex Out On A Date? (Yes, But DON’T BE NEEDY)

Should I ask my ex out on a date? How do I ask my ex out on a date? Should I ask in a text? Should I call? What do I say? What if they says ‘no”, what do I say/do next? How many days should I wait before I ask my ex out again?

These are some of the questions I get in many of your comments. I have answered many of them (and more) in detail in my book Dating Your Ex, and a couple of articles (and respective comments) on here.

There is a lot of anxiety around asking an ex out on a date, and understandably so. When someone breaks up with you (or you break-up with them), the rules of engagement change. What was okay to say or do before is not okay any more.

When you were together, you would simply text or call, and ask your ex out. If they said, ‘no”, you wouldn’t take it as rejection because 1) you have a relationship and 2) you are 100 certain that there will be a next time.

Not so when you are trying to get your ex back. Rejection is personal. It shouldn’t be though.

1. Timing is everything

You can ask your ex for anything; ask your ex for more contact, ask your ex for more time together, ask your ex  out on a date and even ask to get back together, how-ever, asking is one thing, getting what you are asking for is another. Just because you ask, doesn’t mean you will get what you are asking for.

The secret to getting what you are asking for from your ex is good timing. If you want a guaranteed yes to a date with your ex, make sure your timing is right.

The right timing is to ask your ex out on a date is when your ex is emotionally open, receptive and responsive.

The worst thing you can do to your chances of getting back together is ask for more time together, a date or to get back together when your ex is still feeling hurt, angry, distant, suspicious of your intentions or actions, etc.

Chances are you will not get what you are asking for, not because your ex doesn’t want more contact, to go out on a date with you or get back together, but because they feel that there is not enough “connection” there for whatever you are asking for. And if you push, you risk coming across as needy. You will be thought of as “needy”, not because you asked, but because you are asking for what your ex is unwilling or unable to give to you.

So before you ask your ex out on a date, make sure you have created the right emotional environment for your ex to be emotionally open, receptive and responsive.

The kind of emotional environment conducive for asking and getting what you want is warm, nurturing and relaxed.

If you and your ex don’t yet have that kind of emotional environment, asking for anything is not only scary, it can be a big risk. Best case scenario, your ex will think you are needy, and worst case scenario, you will undo all the progress you have made so far and push them even further away.

If you are interested in finding out about how to emotionally connect with your ex and get your ex to a place where they are emotionally open, receptive and responsive, enter “emotional connection” in the blog search tool and you will get some ideas as to what you need to be doing to build up the feelings of connection that create the “right” emotional environment for asking for your ex out on a date.

2. It’s about your attitude when asking

In the initial stages of trying to attract back your ex, at least up to a point where you are talking about possibly getting back together, your ex is just someone you want to get to know better, and hopefully have a relationship with. This should be your mindset when you ask them out on a date.

It’s be nice if they said yes, but if they say no, it’s not personal, and it shouldn’t be the end of the road. It’s just another setback in a list of setbacks that you will encounter and overcome before you get back together.

When you approach asking your ex out on a date with openness and if you are more focused on their emotional needs and feelings rather than your agenda, your ex will see that you don’t need them to say yes (like your survival depends on it), you were just asking because you thought it’d be fun to go out on a date and spend some quality time together.

3. It is about how you ask

Needy people have a history of getting a negative response when they ask for what they want or need, even when what they are asking for is reasonable. This, unfortunately makes them more afraid to ask for what they want or need.

Watch the video below to see what you may be doing that makes you needy when you ask for what you want, and what gets you a negative reaction.

RELATED: 6 First Date Tips – How To Act When Out On Date With Your Ex

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