How Shame Prevents Fearful Avoidants From Coming Back

Shame is something fearful avoidants know too well and live with every day of their lives.

It started with caregivers who made them feel that they were not good enough, could never quite get things right, never quite meet expectations, or were somehow a disappointment. Over time, the message became internalized: There is something wrong with me. I’m not good enough. I’ll never be what people need me to be.

It continues later with relationship partners who, often without realizing it, can reinforce those same beliefs. Their partner’s hurt, disappointment, criticism, or frustration can feel like confirmation of what the fearful avoidant already believes about themselves: I’ve failed again. I’m not good enough. I’m hurting someone I care about. I can’t give them what they need.

Eventually, it becomes difficult to separate making mistakes or falling short in a relationship from being fundamentally flawed as a person.

Damaged, unlovable, and undeserving of happiness

In relationships, fearful avoidants can come to expect that they will always be seen as damaged and unlovable; the one who causes misery, disappoints people, and ultimately hurts the very people who try to love them.

Sadly, some partners reinforce this by repeatedly reminding them of their shortcomings, blaming them for the problems in the relationship, or making them feel responsible for their partner’s unhappiness. Even when there are legitimate grievances, the way those grievances are communicated can reinforce an existing sense of shame rather than help the fearful avoidant understand what needs to change. Over time, they may stop hearing “this behaviour hurt me” and instead hear “you are the kind of person who hurts people.”

This can make a fearful avoidant feel helpless to make things better because, underneath there is a deeper belief: What’s the point? I’m only going to get it wrong again.

When a relationship becomes difficult, they may not necessarily see a situation that can be worked through. They may see another example of something they already believe about themselves: I’m the problem. I’m not good enough. I’m hurting someone again.

Not necessarily because they did anything to make things difficult, but because shame has taught them to look at relationship problems through the lens of their own perceived inadequacy and flaws.

The may internalize a breakup as yet another example of  failure

After a breakup, many fearful avoidants distance themselves from their ex because it can sometimes feel easier to believe there is something wrong with them than to believe that someone they loved could hurt.

Instead of seeing the breakup as something that happened between two people, they can experience it as confirmation of what they already believe about themselves: I’m the problem. I’m not good enough. I hurt people. This is why people leave me.

This can make it difficult for them to empathize with their ex, especially when an ex repeatedly dumps on a fearful avoidant about how “bad” they are or how much they “hurt” them. The shame can escalate into aggression, anger, meanness, hostility, and, in some cases, even abusive or violent reactions if a fearful avoidant believes the situation was actually an ex’s fault, or experienced an ex’s behaviour as a betrayal of trust.

Most of the time, though, fearful avoidant exes who feel overwhelmed by shame simply withdraw. They distance themselves, isolate, and disappear, not just from their ex, but sometimes from friends and family too.

I hurt them, I deserve to be punished

Shame can create an expectation that punishment will follow. That’s why fearful avoidant exes who believe their ex blames them for the breakup often don’t come back.

Their attachment system remembers that, in childhood, when they did something wrong, they were blamed, shamed, and punished. As adults, being blamed triggers feelings of humiliation and deserving consequences. They expect their ex to make them pay for what they did, and staying away feels like the only logical option.

Shame doesn’t allow them to see the situation objectively, instead, it reduces the entire experience to: I hurt them, and now I’m being punished.

Some fearful avoidants even feel an ex going “no contact” as punishment for failing to be a good partner or for ending the relationship. They interpret the silence as confirmation that they have done something unforgivable and that their ex is justified in cutting off contact. And unfortunately, some exes do use no contact as a form of punishment to make a fearful avoidant feel the consequences of what they did; reinforcing what a fearful avoidant already believes.

The expectation that punishment will follow can keep a fearful avoidant trapped in shame and self-blame, even when the relationship itself was unhealthy, unsafe, or something they should have left long ago.

Persistent shame makes reconnection incredibly difficult

If a fearful avoidant believes their ex is still angry, still blaming them, or still sees them as the person who ruined the relationship, they will find it difficult to imagine their ex could still want them, forgive them, or welcome them back.

Shame makes them focus less on whether things can be repaired and more on whether they have any right to come back.

They may miss their ex, still love them, or even want the relationship back, but the expectation of being judged or rejected can be strong enough to make them conflicted, indecisive or stay away.

They assume their ex is better off without them

Rather than fighting for the relationship, they convince themselves that leaving their ex alone is the right thing to do because they have already caused enough hurt.

They punish themselves by giving up something they want

This is one of the more painful effects of shame. A fearful avoidant may genuinely want their ex back but believe they have forfeited the right to have the relationship. Thy may genuinely believe that their ex will be happier without them.

They believe they don’t deserve another chance

Even when they want to reconnect, shame can tell them that asking for another chance is selfish because they already failed the person who loved them.

What can be confusing for an ex is that none of this necessarily looks like love. It looks like indifference, rejection, or a complete lack of remorse. But underneath it can be a very different belief: I hurt someone I love, I don’t deserve them anymore, and the best thing I can do is stay away.

That is shame, not fear of intimacy or closeness, not fear of getting overwhelmed, and not fear of losing their independence driving the distance.

RELATED:

Do Avoidants Feel Bad And Apologize When They Hurt You?

10 Signs A Fearful Avoidant Feels Guilty And Regrets The Breakup