How Securely Attached Deal With Elusive Avoidant Exes

Everyone trying to attract back their ex worries and has concerns about something every now and then. But when dealing with avoidants, there is always going to be uncertainty which is a challenge in itself, but what makes things more challenging is an avoidant attachment’s tendency to be elusive and ambiguous especially when it comes to to discussing the breakup, their whereabouts and making plans to meet, or even to exchange belongings.

Even securely attached exes sometimes question their avoidant or anxious ex’s words and actions. The difference between a secure attachment and an insecure attachment (anxious, fearful and dismissive) is that securely attached have internal working models (the way they process information, think and feel) that create a buffer to emotional overreaction and helps them responses to their avoidant ex in a constructive manner.

Her are some things securely attached do with avoidant exes who are elusive, and handle uncertainty when dealing with avoidants?

1)  Process negative emotions before saying or doing anything 

High “negative” emotions get in the way of constructive communication. This is reflected in your choice of words, tone and attitude, and the energy you transmit. You not only come across in ways you don’t intend to, you also create experiences that you did not intend or want and react with unhealthy behaviours that further damage the relationship..

Here’s an example: You ask your avoidant ex if they’d like to go to a concert with you, and thy say yes, but will check their schedule/if they have other plans. Days go by and somehow they seem to have disappeared or respond but don’t mention the concert. But you need to buy the tickets before it’s too late, so you go ahead and purchase the tickets. But the day approaches and your avoidant ex still hasn’t given you an answer. Anxious, worried and afraid that they might cancel the dinner, you send an insecure (anxious/fear/avoidant) driven text:

“Hey, You said you like to go to the concert, so I went ahead and bought the tickets before it was too late. Please confirm if you’re coming or not before noon tomorrow, otherwise the tickets will be wasted/I’ll find someone else to go with me”.

This kind of text although it appears polite is worded in ways that say that you expect your ex to cancel the dinner date and are frustrated and even angry. An avoidant will zero down up on the negative emotion and either not respond, cancel or respond with a negative emotion.

2) Deliberately avoid worst case scenario thinking

In the example above, instead of asking your avoidant ex to confirm the concert date, you react based on your fear that your ex is going to cancel the date or is acting in bad faith. An avoidant after reading your text, decides to cancel the date or doesn’t respond. You conclude that you were right all along, they never confirmed the concert date because they had no intentions of coming. They were just leading you on/playing you all along.

Even if your ex was planning on coming, the words, tone and attitude of the text suggests that you are upset. Who wants to go to a concert with someone upset? But more importantly, who wants to be with, let alone get back together with someone who always assumes the worst case scenario, and is always suspicious of your every action?

Granted, your avoidant ex should have confirmed the date, but thinking the worst isn’t going to give you any new information. The only thing worst case scenario thinking does is change the outcome to a self-fulling prophesy.

Securely attached have no “worst fears” they worry about coming true, and therefore tend not to view situations as worse than they are or jump to the worst possible conclusion. In uncertain situations, they try to see if there are others ways of viewing the situation, other explanations other than what they’re thinking and even turn to their support system to help them stay objective and grounded in reality.

3) Give avoidants the benefit of the doubt 

One of the traits of securely attached individuals is that they trust other’s intentions and give others the benefit of the doubt. This is reflected in the words they use, and in their tone and attitude. Notice the difference.

Insecure (anxious/fear/avoidant) driven text: “Hey, You said you like to go to the concert, so I went ahead and bought the tickets before it was too late. Please confirm if you’re coming or not before noon tomorrow, otherwise the tickets will be wasted/I’ll find someone else to go with me”.

Secure (self-confident/self-assured) text: “Hey, I am following up on the concert on Friday. I was afraid it would be too late to buy the tickets so I went ahead an purchased them. I’m looking forward to having an amazing time. Let me know what time to meet up.”

There’s no negative emotion, and even more importantly, no jumping to conclusions that an avoidant is not going to come or is acting in bad faith. The only facts you have in the situation is that your avoidant ex hasn’t mentioned anything about the concert and you don’t know. Yes, there is a chance that your ex may cancel the dinner date, but they haven’t cancelled it yet.

Giving someone the be benefit of the doubt is deciding that until you know more or know exactly whey they are acting the way they are, you are going to believe something good about them rather than something bad. Harvard professor Jeffrey Polzer calls this process of trusting other’s intention even when you have no reason to, a “vulnerability loop.” When you take a risk by trusting a person, that person is very likely to read that as a sign that they can show you trust.

Trust in each other’s intentions is even more crucial with an avoidant ex because when you perceive your ex as having “hurtful intent”, you you’ll not feel comfortable taking risks with them. And when you don’t take some risks, you won’t get anywhere. Things stay stuck for months and your chances of getting your ex back fade further and further away.

Understandably, it can be hard to trust the intentions of someone who said they loved you and then broke your heart and hurt you, but it’s also hard for your ex to prove to you that they’ll not hurt you again, if you do not give them the chance to prove themselves.

4) Don’t demand safety and security (they give it)

One of the things I tell my clients is: “Don’t demand safety and security. It’s not your job to teach your ex how to behave or teach them “good manners”. You’re not their mom or dad. If you want to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you  must first and foremost be safe and secure within yourself. You must believe in yourself, and trust yourself.”

In order for an avoidant or anyone else to trust you and feel safe with you, you must first trust you and feel secure within yourself. If you find yourself jumping to negative conclusions about your ex’s intentions and creating negative self-fulfilling prophecies then a good first step is to figure out what kind of distorted thinking is taking place that is causing you to be anxious, worried and afraid. Most of the time you will clearly see that it’s not your avoidant ex who triggers you, your own insecurities trigger you.

Identifying the mental patterns and thoughts that always cause you to react or respond negatively to your experiences helps you focus more on what you can control and change (how you feel and your own actions) instead of focusing on what you can’t control or change (your ex’s words and actions).

This is challenging at first because our mental patterns and thoughts often make sense to us because they’re ingrained in the way we process attachment related information, think and feel. This is why it’s important to look for objective evidence or talk to someone you trust to see if there are alternative explanations or ways to look at the situation. This will help you expand your thinking and over time be able to quickly identify the thoughts before you act.

It’s only when you feel secure within that you’ll feel secure with your connection and relationship and not get not hang-up on what your ex should or shouldn’t have done, or why they did this and not that.

5) Don’t dismiss or overlook avoidant negative behaviours

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean you overlook their negative behaviours, dismissive facts, ignore reality and pretend “everything is fine”. Securely attached are able to create positive outcomes even in uncertain situations and with elusive avoidants because they’re able to separate how something feels not and how it will feel later, what looks like the right right thing to do in the moment and what will be beneficial long-term.

To process information, think and feel like a securely attached, always ask yourself, “Why do my avoidant ex’s words/actions bother me so much that I’m willing to risk something good over something that won’t even matter weeks or months from now?”

If your ex’s behaviour is just one in the list of many things that your ex does that make you feel disrespected, taken for granted, undervalued or insecure about the relationship, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you want to get back together. Maybe this is not a good relationship for you.

Here’s the take away, the next time your ex does something that makes you anxious, worried, afraid or annoys you; remind yourself that you don’t know their whole story. And just because you feel anxious, worried or afraid or irritated by their words or actions doesn’t mean your ex is acting in bad faith; or has bad intentions. Maybe they have their reasons and until you know anything for sure; you won’t assume the worst in them.

Trust me, this attitude and approach goes a long way in creating trust and a sense of safety with an ex, especially an avoidant ex.