How Often Do Exes Come Back? (Odds By Attachment Styles)

How often do exes come back based on an ex’s attachment style? Attachment styles offers insights into why exes come back, how often and how they come back.

But first what does the research say on the percentages of exes who come back say. There aren’t many credible scientific studies on percentages of exes who come back. Most studies I found online were conducted by “get your ex back” sites… and let’s just say, take them with a grain of salt.

The credible scientific studies are somewhat old, but they all show that the percentages of exes who come back are in the range of 40-50 percent.

1. A study conducted by Kansas State University found that nearly 50 percent of all exes come back. The exes who got back together assumed their ex had changed for the better; or that they would be better at communicating.

2. Psychology Today, a credible source has on their site roughly the same percentage of 40-50 percent of exes who come back. Exes cited various reasons why they come back; top on the list was lingering feelings

3. Kansas State University also did another study and found that 37 percent of cohabiters and 27 percent of married couples had experienced a breakup and got back together with their exes (Vennum et al., 2014).

4. The JSTOR Journal (for the intellectually curious) sites a study by Dr. Howard Wineberg studied 506 women who attempted reconciliation before divorce was finalized.

  • 50 percent them got divorced eventually.
  • 44 percent were still living with their spouses.
  • 32% successfully got back together and stayed that way for more than one year.

While there are not many credible studies on percentages of exes who come back, there are many studies that draw a direct link between how different attachment styles behave following a break-up and the likelihood of an ex coming back.

1) How often securely attached exes come back

Exes with a secure attachment style react well to break-ups and are open to coming back to an ex. “They face relationship breakups with greater resilience, acceptance, and emotional recovery. But more importantly, they recognize both their attachment needs and their ex’s attachment needs and act accordingly. Their use strategies that are open, empathetic communication, and negotiation of needs and desires gives them greater willingness to reunite.” (Madey & Jilek, 2012)

The Answer – There is a relatively high chance that an ex with a secure attachment will come back but they may not want to come back if you engage in self-destructive coping strategies such as obsessive pursuit (excessive texting, begging, over-apologizing, stalking etc.). The may also be put off by some of the avoidant defensive strategies you use (i.e. no contact, mind games). Individuals with a secure attachment style believe in open communication and negotiating both of your needs and not avoiding.

2) How often anxious attachment exes come 

Of all the attachment styles, preoccupied and fearful avoidant attachment leaning anxious exes are the most likely to come back. They’re likely to be available and responsive after a break-up because they need connection and a relationship. This increases their chances as they are able to persist where most attachment styles would give up.

Studies also show that exes with an anxious attachment are more willing than other attachment styles to stay friends with an ex to potentially maintain close ties allowing for later reconnection.

But having a high anxiety also means that people with an anxious attachment have more trouble adapting to a relationship breakup and acting independently. They experience greater emotional distress, anger, anxiety, depression, and loss of emotional control, and their use of hyper-activating emotion regulatory strategies leads to unwanted pursuit behaviour; which leads to a cycle of repeatedly breaking up and getting back together.

And even if anxious attachment are more willing to stay friends with an ex to potentially maintain close ties allowing for later reconnection, they’re often more self-focused and not necessarily in the best interest of an ex or even the relationship.

The Answer – There is very high that an ex with an anxious preoccupied or a fearful avoidant attachment leaning anxious will come back, but they’re also likely play lots of mind games during the course of you trying to attract them back. This will likely decrease the chances of your ex coming back.

How often dismissive avoidant exes come back

Of all the attachment styles, dismissive avoidants are the least likely to come back. Once they emotionally detach, most dismissive avoidants don’t get back feelings for an ex. Their emotion-suppression strategies don’t just create more emotional distance with an ex, they also make accessing suppressed feelings for an ex later on more difficult. The longer the detachment, the harder it is to recover lost feelings.

A dismissive avoidant’s emotional detachment in this sense is a conscious decision to disengage from all feelings for an ex rather than inability or difficulty connecting. Meaning, a dismissive avoidant will have difficulty recovering lost feelings for an ex but have no difficulty developing feelings for a new romantic interest.

The Answer – The chances of your ex coming back are less with a dismissive avoidant. This doesn’t mean dismissive avoidants don’t come back, this means that it’s much harder but not impossible to get back a dismissive avoidant ex.

How often fearful avoidant (disorganized attachments) exes come back

Of all the attachment styles fearful avoidants or disorganized attachments are the most unpredictable in terms of how often they come back. They’re more unpredictable than anxious preoccupied attachment or dismissive avoidants because fearful avoidants are both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment style.

This means that after the break-up, a fearful avoidant’s behaviour may be similar to someone with an anxious attachment or similar to someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Very often however, fearful avoidant exes will exhibit a combination of high anxiety (hot) and high avoidance (cold) behaviours which is why they’re said to have a disorganized attachment.

The Answer – Fearful avoidants who lean anxious often come back than fearful avoidant who lean avoidant. The way an ex reacts to the break-up and acts towards a fearful avoidant ex plays an important role in how often fearful avoidants come back.

Why avoidants in general often don’t come back after a break-up

The main reason avoidants often don’t come back after a break-up is because they use deactivating strategies which create more emotional distance and make it harder to get back together after a break-up. The second reason avoidants often don’t come back after a break-up is because avoidants in general tend to be involved in short-term relationships. They have very little to no emotional investment in their relationships and many of these relationships have lower interdependence, commitment, trust, and satisfaction. So when the relationship ends, most avoidants are ready to move on.

It’s however important to note that avoidants tend to come back more often if they formed a strong emotional bond with an ex, and if the break-up ended with no “hard feelings”.

Because avoidants have a hard time forming strong attachment bonds they may have a hard time forming new relationships and come back to exes. But being avoidant they may not initiate or actively pursue a reconciliation with an ex. They’ll indicate that they’re open to changing their minds and come back, but leave the reaching out, initiating conversations, meetings, hanging out, dates etc., to an ex.

To get a better idea of how often each attachment style comes back, I have written detailed articles on individual attachment styles: why they come back, what makes them come back and how long it takes them to come back. You will find the links at the bottom.

There is more to an ex coming back than just their attachment style

There are other individual factors unique to your ex that may affect whether or not they will come back. (See: 10 Factors That Affect The Chances Of Getting Back Together With Your Ex)

When all is said, don’t be discouraged from trying to attract back your ex because right your chances seem bad. It takes work and it takes time, but it’s possible.

When you feel discouraged and want to give up, these Incredible Success Stories of readers like you who got back their ex might help!

RELATED:

How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – Explained In Detail

What Makes A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Miss You And Come Back?

Do Anxious Attachment Come Back – Crucial Window Of Time

Do Exes With A Secure Attachment Reach Out And Come Back?

Attract Back An Avoidant Ex:1 – Attachment Styles Can Help

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54 Comments

  1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Godiva

    FAs certainly show a disorganized attachments in terms of how often they come back, I’ve been with 2 of them. The first off all contact after the breakup and ignored all my texts. My more recent FA has broken up with me 2 times and both times we stayed in contact, he leans anxious. Both times he came back 3- 4 months after the breakup asking for another chance and saying I’m the one. We’ve back together for over 6 months but the last 2, his disorganized attachment has worsened. I expect him to bail and run soon. The disorganized attachments is exhausting.

  2. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Brone

    My ex and I are both FA together 2.3 years. I told myself I didn’t love her and needed to break up. After months of therapy and working on me I realized that I loved her and missed her, so I sent her a text in which I apologized for breaking up. She responded after a couple of days and was polite and kind. Said she did love me too and wished I had reached out much sooner. She’s in a relationship and wishes me nothing but the best. I haven’t stopped crying for weeks. It’s like she broke up with me, but I probably deserve it. I feel like I’ll never find anyone like her again.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I’m sorry you’re so much pain. My heart goes out to you.

      Don’t let the pain keep you in regret. Instead try to see the good that came out this in that you are working on healing your attachment style. This means that you will not again repeat the patterns that caused you this pain.

      It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it at least gives you some hope for the future.

  3. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Juanita

    How I wish I’d found this site a few months ago. My ex and I were on-and-off for 4 years. I had no idea he was a dismissive, I just assumed he wasn’t committed to the relationship. After learning about attachment styles, I realize how I triggered him with constant need for reassurance. I’m working on my anxious attachment style and would love to reconnect with him and try to make it work. But I’m now aware that if there’s no change, it’ll end the same.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I hear you, but I think that if you’re working on your anxious attachment style, and now that you are aware he is a dismissive avoidant, you will not trigger him the way you did before. Things will therefore not be the same.

      Having a partner who is safe and feels safe actually stops an avoidant from consistent distancing. The safer the relationship, the less need they have to distance. They will still distance because they’re avoidant, but it will be less often and for shorter periods of time. Some avoidants develop a secure attachment style just by being in a relationship with someone secure.

  4. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Meagan

    Definitely a different and positive vibe in this site. I feel more hopeful than I have felt since he broke it off with my 2 months ago. Thank you.

    1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jenni

      I agree. Yangki’s articles and videos have passion in them and she puts effort into it and does really care. I’m almost angry at myself for wasting my time on sometimes soulless click bait expert advice.

  5. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Christina

    Previous anxious preoccupied leaning secure here. I know very well how no contact made me feel, and ultimately I ended up not wanting him back.

    I’m more secure and providing safety and security to my fearful avoidant ex, and he seems to be responding positively. I don’t know if we’ll end up together, but it feels good to have no anxiety when he does not respond, and to love him and set him free.

    Keep up the good work, Yangki. I’ll make sure to share your work.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      I like “love him and set him free!”… 🙂

      Welcome to secure attachment. It definitely makes relationships, even with a fearful avoidant less stressful and frustrating. Hope things work out for you.

      I appreciate the help.

  6. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nathalie

    Yangki, I have a secure attachment style and agree with your advice on attachment styles. There is so much misinformation on the damage of no contact, I feel like your voice is being drowned in all of it. How can I help? I have always seen no contact as cruel and self-interested, but that’s just me, I am securely attached, lol.

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      Thanks for being honest. Secure attachment is not a lost cause (yet). I feel like the tide is slowly turning… but maybe that’s just me, I am securely attached… 😉

      You can help by spreading the word! There are share buttons at the end of each article. I appreciate any help I can get.

  7. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Idris Nafisat

    My ex broke up with me three months ago and I did all those post break up mistakes, I begged him after two weeks and he said me begging him he felt guilty after searching different site I did no contact for 3weeks to stop myself from acting needy and access the situation, I found your page ago advising against no contact, and I reached out to my ex, at first he was responsive for 2weeks but getting to the third week he was acting cold, he does not reply to my texts and even if he replies it’s one word answers and he has never initiate contact and I do give space before I make another contact I don’t know if I should give up already , it’s actually hard work getting an ex back

    1. Love Doctor Yangki AkitengLove Doctor Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor Yangki Akiteng

      There are several reasons why your ex changed from being responsive to being hold and cold.

      1) It could be something you said or something you are not doing enough of to make them attracted to you.

      See: How to Pull Your Ex Closer Vs. How To Avoid Pushing Away Your Ex

      2) It could also be your ex’s attachment style.

      Try reading articles here of people who might have your similar situation, You can try a site search on words like “ex one word answers” or “ex hot and cold” and other keywords related toy our situation.

  8. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Mikhozi Namara

    Wow! I’ve spent serval days reading your articles and I have to say, this is the most positive advice on getting back with an ex on the web, wait, the whole world.

    You truly know what you are talking about, and I like that you see things from both sides. I took an online course on perspective-taking and it is a joy to see it in practice. Keep up the ‘good work’, the good Lord is watching over you.

  9. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Edna

    My ex said he had made up his mind and he is the kind to not change his mind. Lucky for me I had found your site so I asked to keep in contact and at first he said what is the point, I am not changing my mind, but then he said yes. I followed the advice in your ebook and after a month of text messaging, I asked to meet up, he said he did not want to give me the wrong message. I waited a week and asked again and this time he relented. We had a great time and were laughing and holding hands. When he walked me to my car he kissed me on the lips and said he does not know what the future holds but he knows that he does not want to lose me forever. Today he initiated his first text and wished me a merry Christmas. I know in your ebook that it is not much to go by but it feels good to know he still wants me in his life. I am going to keep implementing your advice and see where it goes. I really believe we will get back together.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      You are right. It’s not much to go by, but it’s enough to show that things are moving in the right direction. What you’re doing is working, so don’t change it or get needy and try to move things faster.

      I believe with you!

  10. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Odelle

    Yangki, I got my ex back using your book and articles but 4 days ago I messed up and said some things which made her upset and breakup with me again. I waited a day and reached out to her, she responded an hour later saying she’s busy and will call me when she gets home. She called and we talked and I also apologised. She wants us to continue talking says but she is now scared of getting hurt again. Can I still get her back or have I messed up so big that I pushed her to the edge? Please help, again. 🙁 Thanks as always.

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Yes, you can absolutely get her back, but this time it’s going to be a little harder than the last time. The advantage you have is that she wants to continue talking. Use it well.

      You did before, you can do it again.

  11. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Sarah

    I feel like Im stuck. Recently my ex got super drunk and said he wish we are still togehter and wants a family with me but with him theres no turning back. And now i feel like theres no hope left. Is there anything I can do? 🙁

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki C. AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki C. Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki C. Akiteng

      I responded to you before with advice, but if you still feel stuck, I am happy to work with you to see where you may be stuck. Sometimes a fresh set of objective eyes does help… 🙂

  12. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jefar

    Your website is so helpful and spreads such a positive message. My ex broke up with me two months ago after 5 years together. I still loved her but she says for the moment we can only be friends and see what happens. I have been applying your advice with some success. She’s opening up more and initiating contact more. We are going to a concert we had bought tickets before we broke up in a couple of weeks. We’ll see what happens.

  13. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nina Flores

    My fiance broke off our engagement because I wanted to wait to get married til he is financially set but he took it as called off. I contacted him telling him how much I miss him and want him to come back. Is that even possible?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      As the article says, exes do come back, but not in the way you are going about it.

      It’s possible to get back your ex but it’s a complicated process mainly because it’s about ’emotions’. It helps if you know what you are doing.

      Spend sometime here reading about how to attract back your ex.

  14. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Siya

    I broke it off and he was deeply hurt. I apologised and at first he was hot and cold. Things are a lot better now. He says he still loves me and can see us getting back together but wants to be friends and decide in 6 mos if he wants to get back together. He wants us to date other people but says he is just dating and not looking to get in a relationship. He is open to hanging out and we text once a day sometimes more. I know I messed up and want him to be free to date, and he also said I can date others if I want. I don’t want to be friendzoned and need to set some boundaries for how we move forward. I have your book dating your ex, my question is which other book would you recommend for my situation ‘It’s just a break-up’ or ‘dating your ex boundaries’?

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      Both books apply to your situation. It’s Just A Break-Up will help with the emotions of trying to get back someone who is dating other people. But I’d go with Dating Your Ex Boundaries 1 & 2 because as you rightly put it, you need to set some boundaries.

      1. Boundaries help you avoid being friendzoned
      2. Boundaries keep both of you from making things worse and ruining whatever chance you might have had.

  15. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Lauren

    He said I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore, you deserve someone that will put in the effort, you’re a great person, I still want you in my life. I did 1 week no contact, made plans to meet up & say my piece. I cancelled & wrote him an email- I felt seeing him would cause me more pain- no response. I feel I pushed him away in wanting to see him more & move in. Is it possible he’ll come back or is he scare to commit & needs space? Do exes come back in this case?

  16. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Nelli

    The breakup happened because we were both focused on our careers and it was getting harder to make time for each other. It was an amicable breakup and tough on both of us as we didn’t want it to end but recognized that no matter what we wanted the relationship wasn’t working for either of us. We stayed in touch for a year in which I spent a lot of time on this site practically every night. I realized that I hadn’t been willing to compromise and make sacrifices and told him. He said he was guilty too and we decided to give us another chance. In a way I am thankful for the breakup because I now appreciate him better than I ever did, and I have you Yangki to thank for teaching me that I needed to give love a chance. Thank you.

  17. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Angie

    OMG! I know I had asked for advice! Mea culpa! But if anybody anyway reads these comments I want to tell you that 1 hour after I posted my last comment (on how freakingly frightened I was about a possibly upcoming phonecall with him) my ex wanted to call me!!!

    So I swallowed again as fast as possible some of your book‘s lessons and – well – it was a kind, warm and friendly talk for about 2 hours! Amazing, I admire every little bit how you offer solutions that work. And I learned so much about my selfish past and how love first and foremost addresses the other person. Not oneself! I listened REALLY, understood and acknowledged his reservations and doubts and kept the line to him. He is still frightened that things could turn out the same nasty way as they did already and wants to keep friends – and wants to call again tomorrow !!! Many, many thanks for your work! LoL

      1. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Angie

        Dear Yangkie,
        he is back. 3 weeks from “the end of the world” to “better than ever”!! Thank you so much for all your wisdome, humour and good down-to-earth sense!!!
        Much love
        a.

        1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

          YES!!!

          You are easy to love, Angie. It makes sense he’s back so soon.

          Don’t thank me, thank YOU. Okay, me a little… 🙂

          Much love back at you!

  18. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Angie

    Dear Yangki, just some days after having read your book I am in contact with my ex again. Your approach is amazing! He writes very long messages (he obviously has still a lot to say to me) full of accusations but also leaves tiny bits of hope for the future. Suddenly I find myself scared to death when it might come to our first phonecall. We broke up – both in stressful personal situations – neglecting one another‘s needs. I realized that, but he is still fully convinced that his actions were completely right and honourable. I am afraid he would start again by forcing me to prove that I am serious with him. Meaning he expects sacrifices that I – as a Single Mom cannot make. And that would probably mean the end again. Good advice is very welcome!
    Kind regards

  19. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Elizabeth

    This site has really helped me. I am at a point where I believe my ex will come back. He is slowly opening up and initiating more contact. He also invited me to watch super bowl like we did before. He was holding my hand and rubbing it. He walked me to my car and it seemed like he wanted to kiss me but held himself back. I want to ask him out, do you think it’s a good idea?

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      Thanks, I do the best I can.

      Yes, it’s a good idea… 🙂 There is enough momentum to propel you forward. I too believe that you will get back together, it’s only a matter of time (if you don’t screw it up).

  20. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Abi

    Hi Yangki,

    Do you have an article/advice for someone (who did not initiate the break up) who thought NC would be a good idea to give themselves some space but is now realising (after finding your website) that this may have been a very bad idea!

  21. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Qunten

    Why isn’t this site ranked #1 on all google searches about getting back an ex? It’s far superior to all the crap you find on the internet.

  22. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Migel

    I tried every trick written about getting an ex back and was basically on my last leg when I came upon your eBook. It changed my whole attitude overnight. I’m implementing the concepts outlined in the eBook and following your no-pressure contact advice. Only time will tell if no-pressure contact worked but at the moment I’m feeling really positive with the way things are moving forward. Thank you.

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      If things are exactly the same as they were last month or last week, you don’t have momentum. You are not messing up, but you are not moving forward either.

  23. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Justina

    Hi Yangki. I was skeptical about buying your ebook. I bought a couple of them that recommended using no contact and it just made my ex more angry. We had no contact for 45 days he, tried reaching out but I did not respond. He later told me I was playing mind games and he hates mind game. Since applying the advice in your ebook, his deamenure and attitude have completely changed. He is not angry anymore, started sending me jokes and calling me “babe” the way he used to. We seemed closer to getting back together but then I messed up again when he did not respond to my text for a day. He told me he does not want the drama again and was a bit distant. It really scared me, so I bought your It’s Just A Break-Up and what an eye opener. It’s clear that I had not dealt with many of my emotions at all. I am reading through it the second time and doing the exercises. We talk every day and I hope to get things back on track. Ironically, this is the calmest I have felt since the breakup. It’s like a load of emotions have been lifted off my heart and I feel more open to love and to what the future brings. I read your site everyday, and I honestly believe I have become a better and more loving person because of your advice. Both of your books are amazing. Thank you, Yangki.

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      Messing up is inevitable in this process, more so if you have not properly dealt with break-up emotions. It’s the reason I wrote It’s Just A Break-Up. I saw too many people who had a good shot at getting their ex back completely ruin their chances because they were reacting from the emotions of the break-up.

      I have confidence that you will get back on track. You came close once, you can do it again… and being “open to love” doesn’t hurt… 😉

      I appreciate your kind words. It means a lot. Thank you.

  24. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Sudeshni Devi

    Hi there I have some issues with my relationship that has ended recently. Is it possible to get some advice regarding it

    1. Yangki AkitengYangki Akitengsays: Yangki Akiteng

      This is what this website is all about. The advice is FREE. Spend time reading different articles because the answers to all your questions can be found here.

      If you need more than the site can help, I have two books that work together very well, and improve your chances dramatically: It’s Just A Break-Up will help with managing your emotions while you try to get back your ex, and Dating Your Ex is for what to do to get him back. You can also sign up for one-on-one coaching. Together we’ll identify what specifically needs to be done to bring back those feelings of love.

  25. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Heida

    Yangki, you site helped me very much when I was trying to get back my ex. Unfortunately, it did not work out. After a month of contact, I realized my feelings for him have changed. We had reached a stage where we were both initiating contact but it was like we were forcing it. We both agreed that it is best to go our separate ways but we will keep in touch on updates on each other’s lives. I wish things had been different but I have no regrets as your advice helped me allow things to come to their natural conclusion. Thank you

    1. Love Doctor, Yangki AkitengLove Doctor, Yangki Akitengsays: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I too wish things could have been different, but sometimes you know when trying any harder is wasted effort.

      Things coming to their ‘natural conclusion’ is about effortlessness. There is less struggle moving on.

      All the best.

  26. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Asha

    Yangki, in your experience are there cases where an ex does not come back? As a coach how do you approach advising someone in that position?

  27. AvatarAvatarAvatarsays: Jeff

    Hey everyone, I normally don’t leave comments on sites but just wanted to encourage all of you not to give up and keep trying. My ex and I broke up last year and in my case I was the one who was at fault. We are back together but it took a lot of work, patience and determination. So many times I cried and wanted to quit and the odds were all stacked against me, but she was worth the tears and the fight. I know that it does not happen for everybody, but at least you know you gave it your all

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