If you’re looking for advice on how not to be needy in a long distance relationship; these tips will help you whether you just became long distance or have been long distance for a while.
First of all, and before we go any further understand that it’s natural to miss someone you love; and some needy and clingy behaviour is expected in a long-distance relationship.
Long-distance relationships can be hard and need lots of patience and commitment. That said, being needy and clingy can hurt a long distance relationship if one person wants more communication than the other person wants; or is able to do. The needy person often finds themselves obsessing over the long-distance; an sometimes doubting the other person’s interest and commitment.
Second of all, long distance relationships can and do work if the two individuals involved want it to. In my opinion, the question is not “Do long distance relationships work?” but rather “Do both of you want to make it work?” If you both want to make it work, distance is just another obstacle that two people who truly love each other can easily overcome.
If you are the needy one in the long distance relationship, how do you not to be needy? How do you avoid being too clingy when you miss the man or woman you love?
These simple to follow tips will help your long distance relationship not only survive distance, they’ll also help you lay a strong foundation for a relationship that is fun, fulfilling and successful!
1. Make a commitment to work on your attachment anxiety
Being needy and clingy in a long distance relationship or any relationship is a problem from within; one that can only be solved by you and/or with the help of a self help book or professional.
You can’t survive a long distance relationship if you’re not committed to making it work. Commit yourself to becoming aware of when you start running negative messages in your head over and over and find ways to channel that energy into something constructive.
The best cure for neediness and clingy behaviour however, is working on your attachment anxiety and fear, which is causing you to be needy and clingy. This site can be a great resource for how not to be needy in a long distance relationship or nay other relationship.
2. Talk at least three times a week
Technology has made it easier than ever to keep in touch long distance. A few text messages, a phone call, video chat or even email at least once a day if you can manage create a sense of being fully engaged in each other’s lives. If you can’t talk every day, make an effort to talk at least 3 times a week. Your relationship success depends on you being connected, so set aside uninterrupted talk-time to “catch up” on each other’s lives.
If the other person can’t make time for even a 10 minute conversation, but has time to go out with friends or go to a party, they’re not committed to making the relationship work. If they truly love you they’ll not only create the time for you, they’ll put talking to you top most priority on their list of things to do. You on the other hand have to be realistic and not try to suck up all their time.
3. Cultivate an independent life
The time between in-person reunions can be pure torture if you’re spending all your time apart obsessing about the other person. You may find that you’ve put everything on hold to the point that no one else and nothing else is important or meaningful in your life.
Use the “distance” to develop and grow as an individual with your own independent life. Do things that make you truly happy. It also helps to do something that makes you feel you have great qualities that you can share with the rest of the world. Volunteer, get involved for a cause etc. When you’re more focused on meeting the needs of others or making others happy, the neediness and unhappiness within becomes secondary.
You feel more positively about a long distance relationship when you feel positive about yourself. But just as having your own independent life is very important to the success of a long distance relationship; so is being able to share your day and your life with the person you love.
4. Keep that sense of fun and romance alive
One of the most difficult things about long distance relationships is that you can’t just turn to your man or woman and say “let’s go for a walk in the park”, or just drop in and ask them out for a drink. In the absence of these seemingly insignificant shared moments that most people in proximity relationships take for granted, it’s easy for two people to become so stuck in the waiting, and the future, that they completely forget about now. The relationship slowly loses it’s spark and eventually fades out.
To avoid this, try as much as possible to go out on “virtual dates”. For example, decide to go watch the latest movie on the same day and then later call the other to share experiences, thoughts and opinions. Better yet, if time zones allow and if it’s cost effective, rent a movie and watch it “together” with the other person on the phone. You can also play cards or games over the internet etc. And don’t forget to flirt, seduce and tell him or her just how much s/he means to you and how much you love him or her. The important thing is to take the necessary steps to keep the sense of fun, shared interests, romance and passion alive.
5. Trust the other person, or at least try to
Distance has a way of playing up anxiety and fear of the unknown. You miss your loved one so much that you start imagining them cheating even when deep down you know that they’re not the cheating type. Even when they’ve given you no reason to think that they might cheat, you tell yourself, “You just never know” or “Don’t be a fool!”
In a long distance relationship trust is everything. Without trust, there is little point in having the relationship. Without trust sustaining a long distance relationship is impossible.
Discuss your anxiety and fears with your man or woman. Frame them just as anxiety of being in a long distance relationship; and it’s something you’re working on.
Truth is, if someone wants to cheat, they will and there is nothing you can do about it. Give your mind some rest and concentrate on building a strong foundation for your relationship. It also helps for you to make extra efforts to be reliable, to do what you say you are going to do and to show that you’re trustworthy. Trust cuts both ways!
6. Create a supportive environment
There’ll be times when it seems like the other person is not bothered by distance, is happy that you’re apart, or is having more fun. This makes you feel like you’re the only one who “cares”. Sometimes it’s true that the other person doesn’t care, but sometimes they care but handle long distance differently.
If they’re not ignoring you or taking days to respond to a text, but are making an effort to show they care; don’t make a big deal of how they are handling the long distance. Try to understand that they have their own way of dealing with their feelings.
It’s hard enough to have a long distance relationship without the constant nagging, instructing, coaching, and scolding of someone who consistently treats the relationship as a one person’s property or business. Use that excess energy to create a supportive environment that fosters understanding, reassurance and cooperation. Sometimes all you need to do is listen. Don’t judge and don’t try to fix. Just listen. You can also bounce ideas off them on how best to deal with long distance, etc. Work as allies with the same goal.
7. Strengthen your emotional bond
When all you’re thinking of is when you will see each other in person, it’s sometimes easy to forget that being able to emotionally connect is just as important as being physically close, if not more important in long distance relationships.
Use long distance to practice emotionally connecting and strengthening your emotional bond. When you finally see each other face-to-face, the time you invested strengthening your emotional bond will pay off.
If you are thinking, “where do I even start?”, don’t think anymore. You are on the right site for emotionally connecting, strengthen your emotional bond and building emotional momentum. Just type those keywords in the search tool, read the articles (you have all the time), and put the advice into practice.
8. Have a plan for the next in-person reunion
Just knowing when you’ll see each other again makes it easier not to be needy in a long distance relationship.
Make the planning and preparing for the reunion a joint project. Share your thoughts and dreams of your re-union on a regular basis. This can make your coming together much more exciting, meaningful and special.
Don’t let expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be build too high as the reality doesn’t match up to the fantasy. Expect there to be awkward silences, many down times and even arguments. It’s a relationship not a Hollywood movie!
9. Make plans for one of you to move
Someone must move at some point in order to keep the relationship together. If you’re both eager to stay together, then set a date for getting together – either moving in or, at least, living in the same town and “dating”. However, if it’s a new relationship or a relationship on shaky grounds hold off the “future together” talk until you both feel that the relationship has matured, is more stable or until the other person is ready. If the other person is not ready, it doesn’t matter how much you want it, it’s never going to happen. The “I am not going to wait forever” may just become “It’s over”
10. Ignore people who say long distance relationships don’t work
Being in a long distance relationship is not easy and there are no guarantees; same as in all relationships. But don’t run away from your long-distance relationship because everyone says “Long distance relationships don’t/won’t work”. Long distance relationships have worked and can work for you if you are willing to do the hard work. If you’re both emotionally mature enough, and are devoted enough, distance can teach both of you to exercise deeper connections, and provide for objective and honest assessment of your feelings for the each other. Distance can also encourage a stronger foundation for the development of your relationship.
At a time when careers increasingly demand greater mobility, LDRs are not only a very attractive option, they may well be the future.
Last but probably the most important tip for how not to be needy in a long distance relationship is take one day at a time.
Train yourself to relax and learn how to receive love instead of always trying to give more to get some. This means not trying to dictate how everything should be done/said. You can’t control everything. Sometimes you just have to let go and let be. When it’s all been said and done, not even distance can stop true love!
I have this same problem. When I’m in love I become clingy and needy. This has scared men off in the past so now I try very hard not to show it. I try my best not to call, email or text him, not to show I desperately want to spend more time with him, and not to tell him I love him too often. But I am struggling with my emotions and always come out being passive aggressive.
Passive-aggressive neediness is probably more annoying to most people than aggressive/direct neediness.
In aggressive neediness, at least the person knows what you’re “bothered” about. But in passive aggressive neediness, you’re talking between the lines and hoping that someone will intuitively know what’s wrong. That’s until you can’t take it any more and explode. Then you feel ashamed of your behaviour and go back to feeling controlled, your needs ignored, etc. You really don’t change anything.
It’s best to confront and deal with why you’re needy/clingy than trying to hide it.
I’ve been reading your blog and website for over 3 months and it has made all the difference in my relating with women! I tried for years to learn the techniques advanced by PUAs and many other books but I found that that only made me the person I did not want to be. Reading your articles and using the information in my dating, I’ve found that what women really want is a man who can own his world and gently take her by the hand and bring her into his world.
I just wanted you to know that “You are the best!”
A lot of thanks.
I started seeing someone who is 11 years older than me (I’m 30) and she has 2 children. When we first started seeing each other she told me that she was worried about the age difference and that she had children and I didn’t. To show her that I was commited I have constantly shown her my commitement, and I think she has mistaken this for being needy. What can I do?
Your situation is very similar to the original question. The same suggestions above will help keep you from wanting to be clingy or needy.
Age may or may not play a role in what one considers your “neediness.” What’s important is that such behaviour is causing both of you not to enjoy the relationship. For both of your sakes, just stop whatever it is you’re doing that you think is constantly showing her your commitment. If she thinks it’s neediness, there is no use trying to convince her to see it differently. What that does is re-echo the age difference even more.
I soooooo needed this!! Thank you!!
She told me I’m a great guy and she feels guilty. Why does she feel guilty? Is it a good thing or bad thing that she feels guilty?
I’d have to say not a good thing. No person in his/her right mind should feel good about being in a relationship with someone only because that person feels some kind of guilt. That said, there are some needy/clingy people who use “guilt” to manipulate and control someone else. Someone always — always — ends up getting hurt really bad.
Love is best when it is freely given and freely received. Only then does it feel right (for both people involved), it’s also more fulfilling and more likely to last.
OMG this is so great. I recently started seeing someone. We were in the same location until I moved to another continent for a month. It’s been hard for me as we’re on different times zones (5.5hrs). I’ve been a bit clingy, always texting and staying by my phone until I get the response. I realized today that I was being very clingy. We’re still not super together and that makes me nervous which is why I’ve been so clingy. We scheduled a call tomorrow so I’ll be able to talk about my fears and see where they we go from there.