How Much Contact Works For Each Attachment Style?

 

Our attachment style influences how we seek connection, how much closeness we need and how we respond or react to the end of a valued relationship, and respond to contact (or no contact) post break-up.

For example, someone with a preoccupied anxious attachment style needs more closeness and more contact to feel the relationship is working for them. When the relationship ends, they seek more contact and may text, email or call non-stop. Someone with a preoccupied attachment style is also more likely to play mind games just to have some form of contact with an ex, even to the point of stalking., for example:

Anxious-attachment – Someone with a preoccupied anxious attachment style needs more closeness and more contact to feel the relationship is working for them. When the relationship ends, they seek more contact and may text, email or call non-stop. Someone with a preoccupied attachment style is also more likely to play mind games just to have some form of contact with an ex, even to the point of stalking.

Fearful-Avoidant – Fearful avoidants need a certain amount of closeness and contact to feel the relationship is working for them. They fear that being too close to someone or showing a need for contact will push someone away. They are so afraid of rejection that when the relationship ends, they are the most likely of all attachment styles to do ‘no contact’ even when what they clearly want is to be close to their ex.

Dismissive-avoidants – This attachment style needs more me-space and less contact to feel that the relationship is working for them. When the relationship ends, dismissive avoidants are more likely to not cult off contact but instead ignore an ex by not responding to any attempts to re-establish contact. Someone with a dismissive-avoidant style is also more likely to end a relationship by text or just drop off the face of the earth without so much as a word.

If you are trying to attract back your ex it is important to understand and appreciate that some exes need more contact to feel connected and to fall in love, while others need you to contact them less to avoid feeling overwhelmed and triggering a flight response. Knowing this simple fact can be the difference between getting back together, and not.

The table below is a basic summary of how much contact each attachment style needs if you are trying to attract them back. As you can see from the table, low-avoidance-high-anxiety exes will want you to contact them several times a day and get hurt and upset if you don’t respond immediately while high-avoidance-low-anxiety exes feel ‘pressured’ if you contact them even once a day or even three times a week.

A more detailed examination of how contact plays out for each attachment style can be found in Avoidant Ex- How to Attract Back An Avoidant

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