You’ve probably read that every relationship is different, and you’re like… “Pst! everybody knows that”…
At least that’s what I thought when I started off as a relationship coach.
“Dah-ah! Of course not all relationships are the same!” As far as I was concerned it was a foregone conclusion.
Fast forward to many years later… I’m sitting on this side of the phone line and thinking… “Wow! Every relationship is indeed different!”
Although listening to heartbreaking stories for several hours a day, seven days a week sometimes drains me emotionally, I feel very fortunate to be allowed the privilege to share in my clients emotional journeys. But like with all privileges, this privilege comes with responsibility.
Do I really understand this particular relationship? Did I get the true/complete story or just what the client wants me to think? Did I give the right advice for this particular situation? What if that advice worked for that relationship but will not work for this one? Is there more I can do to be of help?
If all I did was give advice over the internet to people I do not know and/or probably don’t even care about, I would just tell them what they want to hear, or give a one-fits-all answer like, “do no contact”, “move on” “text her”, “wait a few days then contact him again” etc.
I wouldn’t care if someone was being honest with me or not. I wouldn’t read the full comment/question to understand the relationship. I wouldn’t even care if they got back their ex or not.
I’d just parrot the most popular advice. Upload as many podcasts as possible, and let through every comment just to show that my blog has a lot of traffic.
But that’s hard when one not only truly cares about the other person on the other side of the computer or phone, but also feels responsible for the advice one gives.
Responsibility for the advice I give is something I take very seriously, but also a responsibility that is close to impossible to live up to.
Try as I do, I will never be able to discuss each individual relationship with each and everyone reading my articles or books, and still be able to have a life.
In my small way of trying to help, I have compiled a list (from working with clients and a little research) that I think will help those wondering if there is hope for their unique relationship.
Hopefully you will have a fairly accurate evaluation of your chances getting back together with your ex. When all is said and done, YOU are the expert when it comes to YOUR relationship because YOU are the one living it.
If you find that your relationship falls into two categories, don’t be too confused or discouraged. The list is meant to help you decide if the advice you are reading applies to your relationship and/or if it’s the best advice for your situation.
If you strongly feel that your relationship needs a more indepth look at, I am happy to discuss the unique details of your relationship and/or your chances of getting back together one-on-one.
1. Chances of getting back together: VERY GOOD.
- Friendship/Close:- You share deep affection for each other arising from recognition of similar interests, goals, dreams, qualities etc. Even broken up, you still support each other and want what’s best for the other.
- Friendship/Very Close:- You share a deep emotional bond developed over time. The relationship has ended, but the deep level of understanding, trust and affection is still very strong.
2. Chances of getting back together: GOOD (but needs a lot of work).
- Positive Affection: You have strong attraction and mutual respect for each other but communication is very limited due to differences in communication styles and/or lifestyles (distance, schedules, responsibilities etc) .
- Fused/Co-dependent: You have deep affection for each which became co-dependant with little room for your own identities. You contact each other but there is always the fear (on both sides) that things could get needy/clingy again.
3. Chances of getting back together: NEUTRAL (things could go either way).
- Close-Distrust:- You still like each other and talk often but your views on the relationship and/or break-up contradict each other, and you are both convinced you are right. One (or both) of you doesn’t trust the other’s intentions.
- Close-Hostile:- You can’t stay away from each other, but when you are together (or in contact), you argue and say mean and hurtful things to each other.
- Close-Too Soon: You are both attracted to each other, but one of you is more into the other and as a result, things are moving/moved faster than the other wanted.
4. Chances of getting back together: NOT GOOD (something major has to change).
- Manipulative-Controlling: You have strong attraction to each other but it’s based on mind games and struggle for more power in the relationship. Contact is stressful and sporadic.
- Distant – Hostile: You rarely communicate or see each other, but when you communicate or see each other, it’s obvious that the anger and hostility is still raw and strong.
- Cut Off/Estranged: You have no contact at all. Where there had been love, affection and friendship is indifference and apathy.
- Never Met: You met online but have never physically met.
5. Chances of getting back together: NOT A GOOD IDEA.
- Intense Enmity – You feel resentment, wish harm upon each other and take pleasure in each other’s misery.
- Abusive: The relationship was emotionally and physically abusive.
- Obsessive: One of you has an unhealthy focus on the other and may or may not include stalking.