How Many Chances Should You Give Avoidant Exes?

How many chances should you give an avoidant? One, two, three, maybe four? The answer depends on the relationship, the level of investment and on the avoidant.

When we think of a relationship, we think of it as two people together (in a relationship), and when we think of a breakup, we think of it as the end of the relationship or two people not together anymore. But rather than follow the pattern of ‘together” and “not together”, many avoidant breakups are “not together, but not completely broken up” or “reunited, but not officially back together”.

With this kind of blurred relationship status, it’s sometimes hard to tell whether you’re giving each other a second chance, third or fourth chance or whether you were not completely broken up and just resuming the relationship after a brief break. So rather than asking “how many chances you should give an avoidant”, the question should be if an avoidant deserves a second, third or fourth chance.

Frequent breaking up and getting back together also known as relationship cycling is a sign that a relationship has unresolved issues, and no matter how many times you breakup and get back together, the relationship will not work until those issues are resolved. But frequent breaking up and getting back together can also be a sign that your attachment bond is so strong that you always find your way back to each other, but because you keep falling back to unhealthy patterns you can’t stably be together.

For the relationship to work, both of you have to show growth. It’s true that the relationship will work better if an avoidant works on their attachment issues, but to break the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, it’s important that you first understand why you keep taking back your avoidant ex, especially if all, or most of the breakups are initiated by them.

It’s possible for two people to reach a level of familiarity and comfort with one another that they keep giving each other chance after chance because both people are afraid of starting over with someone new. They never ask themselves if the other person really deserves another chance, then wonder why they find themselves in “not stably together nor stably broken up” relationship status.

Before giving your avoidant ex another chance, ask yourself what they have done to deserve another chance. Deserve in this context doesn’t mean if they are worthy of love or even if they’ve earned your love. Every human being is worthy of love and pure unconditional love is given not earned. Deserves another chance is what an avoidant has done to show that they’ve reached a turning point where:

• On-again and off-again is not an option for them anymore
• They’re willing to talk about why you are on-again and on-off again or “not together, but not completely broken up”
• They’re taking necessary steps to stabilize the relationship i.e. working on the reasons why you keep breaking up.

Communication is key to successfully transitioning from “not stably together nor stably broken up” to stably together. I’m not even talking about committing to each other, just committing to ending the breaking up and getting back together cycle.

Real life experience shows that couples who are able to successfully stabilize their on-again and off-again relationship have higher levels of satisfaction because the on-again and off-again was never about the shortage of love, in fact quite the opposite, plenty of love on both sides but unhealthy habits and patterns on both sides.

The transition process elicits feelings of a fresh start and the hope of a more stable relationship increases feelings of attraction and mutual respect.

Clarity on the ‘‘current state of the relationship’’ is crucial to stabilizing a “not stably together nor stably broken up” relationship. You need to clarify if you are currently broken up or not completely broken up to be able to successfully facilitate the transition process. This may require you to approach things differently as avoidants tend to have issues with “relationship status” which is linked with avoiding talking about the relationships altogether. The approach that seems to work with both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants is focusing on stability rather than asking them to commit to working on the relationship.

They may not want to commit (yet) but they may be open and willing to work on ending the cycle of breaking up, being unsure if they want to try the relationship again, come back and do it all over again.

In other words, whether it’s a second chance, third or forth chance, your relationship can still work if there is an enduring attachment to each other, both of you are willing to work on stabilizing the relationship and if there are continuing improvements.

If you’re up to the task, the process of stabilizing an unstable relationship can in itself be a rewarding experience. The way I see it, this can be the beginning of learning self-care, emotional regulation, non-violent communication, setting boundaries and expectations and becoming more securely attached. It can also be an opportunity to re-evaluate what it is that you really need from a relationship and from a partner, and if your avoidant ex can meet those needs.

If after working on your attachment style and providing an avoidant with the safety and security they need to begin doing their own self work, and an avoidant still keeps recreating the same unhealthy (even toxic) dynamic, give yourself permission to walk away. Sometimes however much you love someone, it’s not enough to make the relationship work.

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