How Long Should I Wait For My Ex To Make Up His Mind?

Question:My ex says his feelings for me are not as strong as before and that he’s sorry but he can’t pretend anymore. He says some days he thinks he wants me back, and other days he just wants to move on. He says not to wait for him or put my life on hold. I told him we can just be friends for now, and he said he’s okay with that but can’t promise anything. He also said he is seeing other women and if that hurts me he’d prefer for us not to be friends.

I know in my heart that he loves me and there is a possibility that we’ll get back together. I need to believe this, it’s the only way I can keep going on. My question is, based on your experience on these matters, how long do you think I should keep my heart open for him before I move on?

Yangki’s Answer:  I’m sorry you have to go through this. This is probably one of the most difficult things about breakups. I believe you love him and there may be a possibility that you’ll get back together, but I have to agree with your ex, and say do not wait or put your life on hold. Now is the only reality that there is, and the reality is that for right now, he doesn’t feel strongly for you and wants to explore other possibilities.

He’s taking care of his needs (and not in a selfish way since he’s been honest with you) and I think you should too. I’m not saying you should deny your feelings for him and/or go out and see other men, but that you should take care of yourself by helping yourself heal from the pain of not being wanted. Not being wanted does not mean not loved. He may still love you, but loving someone and wanting to be with her (or him) are two different things. You need to come to terms with this because only then can your mind be free to see the options ahead of you. As long as you remain in this place of non-acceptance, your mind will keep coming up with all sorts of stories about a reality different from what is — and you’re likely to act on those stories other than on reality itself.

Give yourself the love you want from him and take care of yourself the way you’d have wanted him to. Once you fill that “empty” space he temporarily occupied, you’ll find that it doesn’t feel as bad as it does now.

My advice is ALWAYS KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN for love. No need to “close” your heart because if you heal well (in a healthy way), you’ll still be able to feel love for him and move on at the same time, if that’s what you decide you want to do. If you decide you want him back, work with what you have now as opposed to what you wish you had. But to be able to succeed, you must first take care of you. You’ll make better decisions and respond better (as opposed to just reacting) when you’re in a “good place”.

Also no need to cut of all contact because doing so only helps kill even the remaining “feeling” that is still there and that you might want to build on in the future. It’s harder to restart a fire from scratch — so to speak.

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17 replies on “How Long Should I Wait For My Ex To Make Up His Mind?”
  1. says: Neel

    Per the plan outlined in your ebook, I started to take control and she has been receptive to my texts, I even got to call her once. I can get her to say a few things, but when I say anything about myself the conversation dies. How can I get her to emotionally open up to me?

    1. You can’t really get anyone to emotionally open up to you. People open up ONLY and ONLY when they feel safe to do so. Your job is to create an environment in which your ex feels safe to open up, this is what the first part of the eBook is all about. It takes time. The guidelines on “effective contact” helps move things along faster. All the very best!

  2. says: Anna

    1 yr 8 months together, broke up, did no contact for 3 weeks. Jan 2012, I contacted him. He said he missed me and things were going really great until two weeks ago. We got into a fight about a woman who keeps calling him. We had plans to meet but she called about some work thing she needed help with and he canceled. Things have gone straight downhill from there. I haven’t helped things, I’ve cursed and called him names and now he will not even respond to my texts or calls. Can I get this back on track or just call it quits?

    1. You didn’t say why you broke up before you got back. If it’s for the same reason(s) (e.g. fighting), you might want to work on that before even attempting to try to get this back on track. Also stop trying to get him to talk to you, it just makes things worse. Give it a week or so and then contact him and see what happens.

      But if this is the pattern, the inevitable will happen sooner than later if it hasn’t already.

  3. says: Mabel

    I think that your comments on positive thinking shows how limited your are. One of the greatest spiritual teachers of our time, Dr. Wayne Dyer says whatever we think positive or negative creates our reality. I know that he is right and have experienced it in my life. May be you should read some of his books and attend his seminars and learn something from him. He is the best.

    1. You are right about one thing, I’ve never read Dr. Wayne Dyer books or attended his seminars… shame on me, right? …:-)

      However, I have a lot of respect for Dr. Dyer and I certainly don’t want to lead you away from what you believe. In fact I’m not asking anyone to believe what I believe. I give advice to those who want it but it has to resonate with someone for it to be their “truth.”

      My personal belief is that “positive thinking” is NOT the answer to everything. I have personally experienced many instances in my life where I was what you might call thinking negatively and expected things to go wrong, and to my pleasant surprise, they turned out amazingly well. And there have been many instances where I was so positive in my thoughts and full of optimism and was greatly disappointed. May be I’m just limited…lol… or may be “positive thinking” isn’t the way we think it works… just saying.

  4. says: Conny

    My ex always behaved immaturely but I stupidly stayed with him hoping that he would grow up. Two months ago he broke up with me again for the 5th time. I cried and begged him but he said being with me means that he will stay miserable forever. Now that I’m serious about moving on, he is contacting me. I’m not wasting anymore of my time with someone who comes up short every single time. I made the mistake of trying to change a man but never again.

  5. says: Chelsea

    Yangki, I respect your advice and believe you’re one of the best love coaches out there- and I mean this sincerely. I’ve bought all your books and visit your blog at least 3 times a week.

    But on the advice in the original post, I think you’re being a little negative. I’m in a similar situation and although he’s told me he sees no hope of us getting back together, I have not lost hope. I believe that if we keep a positive attitude and think something will happen, it will. I’ve given him his space but I’m optimistic he’ll come back. I have to believe that or negative thinking will block my dream from happening.

    1. First of all, thank you for your very kind words, and for the support with my books. I appreciate it very much.

      I’m really glad you brought up “positive thinking” because it comes up quite a lot in my coaching sessions– yes… you’re not the first to tell me I’m being “negative”…(:

      I’m all for positive thinking and agree with everything you said, but I also believe we should be realistically optimistic. I could easily have said “believe or visualize him back and it will be”, but what good would that do? Unless one doesn’t care about the person they’re advising, I think that kind of advice only sabotages the recipient of the advice.

      Realistic optimism on the other hand, combines a positive attitude with an honest assessment of the challenges that one faces or await. Without an honest assessment of the challenges that we face or await us, we can’t come up with realistic action to move us to the next step. Positive thinking is good but it has to lead to action for us to realize our dream. It’s like if you want to be a brain surgeon, you can’t just “think it” and it’ll happen, you have to do research on what it takes to be a brain surgeon, realistically assess your challenges, do what is required to go to medical school, train in a residence program etc.

      It’s the same mindset if one has to succeed in getting back one’s ex!

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