How Long Should I Wait For My Ex To Make Up His Mind?

Question:My ex says his feelings for me are not as strong as before and that he’s sorry but he can’t pretend anymore. He says some days he thinks he wants me back, and other days he just wants to move on. He says not to wait for him or put my life on hold. I told him we can just be friends for now, and he said he’s okay with that but can’t promise anything. He also said he is seeing other women and if that hurts me he’d prefer for us not to be friends.

I know in my heart that he loves me and there is a possibility that we’ll get back together. I need to believe this, it’s the only way I can keep going on. My question is, based on your experience on these matters, how long do you think I should keep my heart open for him before I move on?

Yangki’s Answer:  I’m sorry you have to go through this. This is probably one of the most difficult things about breakups. I believe you love him and there may be a possibility that you’ll get back together, but I have to agree with your ex, and say do not wait or put your life on hold. Now is the only reality that there is, and the reality is that for right now, he doesn’t feel strongly for you and wants to explore other possibilities.

He’s taking care of his needs (and not in a selfish way since he’s been honest with you) and I think you should too. I’m not saying you should deny your feelings for him and/or go out and see other men, but that you should take care of yourself by helping yourself heal from the pain of not being wanted. Not being wanted does not mean not loved. He may still love you, but loving someone and wanting to be with her (or him) are two different things. You need to come to terms with this because only then can your mind be free to see the options ahead of you. As long as you remain in this place of non-acceptance, your mind will keep coming up with all sorts of stories about a reality different from what is — and you’re likely to act on those stories other than on reality itself.

Give yourself the love you want from him and take care of yourself the way you’d have wanted him to. Once you fill that “empty” space he temporarily occupied, you’ll find that it doesn’t feel as bad as it does now.

My advice is ALWAYS KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN for love. No need to “close” your heart because if you heal well (in a healthy way), you’ll still be able to feel love for him and move on at the same time, if that’s what you decide you want to do. If you decide you want him back, work with what you have now as opposed to what you wish you had. But to be able to succeed, you must first take care of you. You’ll make better decisions and respond better (as opposed to just reacting) when you’re in a “good place”.

Also no need to cut of all contact because doing so only helps kill even the remaining “feeling” that is still there and that you might want to build on in the future. It’s harder to restart a fire from scratch — so to speak.

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17 replies on “How Long Should I Wait For My Ex To Make Up His Mind?”
  1. says: Dameon

    I’m glad I read this. I was at the point where I felt I had absolutely no other choice but cut my losses (after about 7 years together) and move on. She’s messed me around with her not being sure about whether she wants me back or not. She says she loves me very but doesn’t want her heart broken again. I couldn’t understand how it’s possible to love someone and not want to be in a relationship and I kept pushing and pushing. She finally said we should have no more contact. I was just about to give up. But now I’m thinking that may be there is a chance for us after all.

    Your advice is excellent, and on top of that, you are extraordinarily generous by giving it for free.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I’m glad something in here gave you hope. Many people (sadly) give up because they can’t handle the chaos/uncertainty typical in a get back with ex situation. The point at which things seem most out of control, our relationships can move with new and better possibilities/in a direction we had never anticipated.

      I’m keeping my fingers crossed… 🙂

  2. says: true4U

    I broke up with him and realized I made a mistake. I contacted him and we’ve been getting closer. Some days it looks like we’re going to get back together and some days he totally pulls away from me. I told him I can’t take it anymore and he said he understands but that it’s just hard for him to trust me again. I’ve apologized and really shown him I still love him, what more should I be doing?

    1. If he’s genuinely making an effort to get back together, I think you should be patient. Entrusting our hearts to someone who has hurt us before is not an easy thing to do. It takes time to get there. Give him time, and do not try to push him one way or another. That trust will come back if you consistently show him he won’t be hurt again.

  3. says: Solom

    I really needed this encouragement. My ex and I just had a long conversation in which he told me he loved me very much but does not think he wants to get back together right now. He wants us to continue contact and see where things go from there. After reading this article I feel a sense of hope. I guess the hardest thing for me right now is to be patient.

  4. says: Biggirl

    Yangki, your advice about loving someone does not mean you should spend the rest of your life with him or her is spot on. If it is not right for either of you then it’s not right.

  5. says: Desiree

    This site has really been very helpful. Before I was trying to manipulate the situation and our conversations were at a shallow level. Since reading your articles and book, I have seen a big change in my ex. He’s more open to talking to me and asks how I’m doing. I know it’s not much but I can only hope that things continue improving for us. I love him with all my heart and will do anything to have him back.

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