Question: How long does it take for an ex to start missing me? Does my ex even miss me at all?
My ex of 3.5 years ended the relationship 6 months ago. He have no real good reason except that we did not communicate well. We broke up once before because he cheated on me. Things did not go as far as sex with the other woman. It was more of an emotional attraction via texting. He said he felt abandoned by me because I was always busy with work. We moved past that, and things were good for a long time.
I read that it takes 2.5 to 5.2 months after a break-up to miss you but our breakup our started slowly over a period of time. He wanted to break-up but I always managed to convince him not to break-up. At that time, I started working on my issues with a therapist. he told me he saw that changes, but I guess hey weren’t enough because he broke up with me. We are not in contact because I asked for space. I expected that after 2 – 3 months that he would reach out.
My question is, are there instances where an ex will miss you because you are out of their life? If so, in your experience do these exes come back? How long before they start missing you?
Yangki’s Answer: Almost all exes miss you when you are no longer in their lives. It’s just one of those things. You shared some part of your life with someone, they are gone; and there is an empty “space” where they used to be. Unless of course that space is quickly filled with someone else, or had already been filled before the break-up.
How long it takes an ex to miss you varies from individual to individual and relationship to relationship. Some miss you immediately, and others miss you gradually. An ex’s attachment style also plays a huge role in how long after a break-up an ex starts missing you or how long it takes them to come back. Avoidants generally tend to take longer yo miss an ex because of their distancing coping strategy.
An ex who doesn’t have much going on in their lives, don’t have a large social network or people they feel “close” to, and as a result depended so much on you for their happiness will start to miss you immediately. It doesn’t mean they’ll reach out to you right away or that they’ll ever, it just means they feel the “emptiness” immediately and miss you.
It will take longer for your ex to start missing you if:
- They are angry about something and all they can think about is the negative things about you and the relationship.
- They’re avoiding feeling the pain by distracting themselves.
- It’s over for them — for good.
- If your ex has an avoidant attachment style
How deep the “missing you” goes also varies from individual to individual as well. In my experience, the “missing you” is much deeper in relationships where:
- Both parties felt the relationship met their needs and were both genuinely happy on most part;
- Two people were together for a long time, and;
- The break-up is “mutual” or “friendly” — no hard feelings.
The irony is that these are the same relationships where exes feel that there is no reason to cut off contact, or feel that “no contact” is not practical (e.g. children are involved, they work in the same place or have same circle of friends, they’re truly good friends who genuinely care for each other).
I’ve also worked with men and women who had an overemotional break-up where hurtful things were said, but the relationship as a whole was happy on most part. They start missing their ex once the emotions calm down. They miss what was good about the relationship, and regret the way the relationship ended.
The part about your ex missing you that is often not talked about is that:
1. Some exes start missing you and reach out because they want you back.
2. Others reach out because they miss you and miss the relationship but don’t want you back. Sometimes they just want to be friends.
3. Most of the time exes reach out because they’re feeling lonely. They want to see what’s going on in your life; and if you miss them or have moved on. These are the ones that reach out to you when they are drunk, just had a bad date or just been dumped by someone else. They are not missing YOU the person, they are missing how good you made them feel. It’s all about THEM.
So many stories of exes that “miss you”, reach out, stay in contact for a while and pull away and/or disappear again. Some exes do this over and over until they don’t miss you anymore. They literally use you, to get over you!
When they miss feeling a certain way, they reach out. They don’t want YOU back, they just want to feel good again. It’s was about THEM from the very beginning.
That’s why focusing too much on: “When will my ex start missing me?” “How long before my ex starts missing me?”, “How do I make my ex miss me?” is unproductive.
In fact, “How to Make My Ex Miss Me” advice in general is unhelpful. I have seen too many people instead of working on what will make them attractive to their ex; do manipulative and immature things to make their ex miss them.
Your ex missing you means very little if they are not making an effort to stay in contact and showing that they’re interested in YOU and not just filling a void in their lives.