Was My No Contact Selfish? My Fearful Avoidant Ex Thinks So

Question: Was my no contact selfish? My fearful avoidant ex leaning anxious thinks so

My fearful avoidant ex who leans anxious reached out only 3 days into my no contact period. I responded and told her I was setting a boundary because I needed time and space to heal and to protect myself. So when I reached out after 21days of no contact, she wasn’t having it. She called me selfish and cruel.

Was I selfish for wanting to protect myself? I don’t think so. She is acting all hurt and upset because I am finally looking after myself. I’m very proud of the progress I have made. Sometimes it’s okay and normal to be selfish.

Yangki’s Answer: People call “no contact” selfish mostly because it can feel one-sided — like one person is choosing distance while the other person is left confused or hurt. But the label “selfish” depends a lot on perspective and context.

Here are a few reasons she might see it that way:

• It felt like rejection — If someone suddenly stops responding, the other person may feel abandoned or cut off without closure.
• It removed connection — From her outside, it can look like your choosing no contact is about not willing to talk things through or work on the relationship.
• It prioritized your needs — No contact is often used for healing (like after a breakup or toxic situation), but it focuses on protecting one person’s mental health, which others may see as ignoring their feelings.

But there’s another side why it’s not selfish:

• If it’s to protect yourself  — Many people use no contact to protect their mental health, especially after emotional harm, manipulation, or unhealthy dynamics.
• If it’s to prevent more damage — Staying in contact might make things worse, especially if communication keeps turning toxic.
• Everyone has the right to distance themselves — Just because someone wants space doesn’t automatically make them selfish — it can be a form of self-care.

But why all this doesn’t matter when reconnecting with an ex – especially one hurt by no contact

Whether you went no contact to protect your peace, to heal, to create distance after a breakup, with the hope that your ex might miss you, or simply because you didn’t know what else to do, the intention behind your decision doesn’t change the fact that actions have consequences.

No contact is not just about what it does for you — it also affects the other person in ways you don’t control.

Your reasons matter for your own healing and growth, but they don’t determine how the other person will respond.

From your ex’s perspective, the experience of being cut off probably felt  confusing, hurtful, or even unnecessary depending on the history of your relationship.

This is why the no contact isn’t a strategy with a fixed result

What happens in that space depends largely on the other person’s emotions, attachment style, and how they experienced the relationship, not just your intention or reasons for going no contact. In some cases, it might trigger someone to miss you, but in others, the other person might interpret no contact as a clear sign that the relationship is over and move on. No contact might even reinforce their decision to leave.

So when she called you selfish and cruel, she might just be pointing to the fact that you didn’t consider how your decision to go no contact would affect her but you expect her to understand your reasons for abruptly cutting her off.

From the other person’s perspective, it can come across as selfish because your need for space is prioritized without a shared conversation — especially if they were still invested or expecting communication

The feeling behind calling it “selfish” is often: “You made a decision that affects me without involving me or explaining it.”

Taking care and looking after yourself is not selfish at all

However, there are two ways to love and take care  of yourself:

1. You can only care about what you want or you think is good for you — even if it hurts someone else or hurts a relationship with someone else. That’s what selfishness is about.
2. You can take care of  you, and be mindful of how your actions affect the relationships that you want in your life.

If you don’t want a relationship with your ex, then by all means be as ‘selfish’ as you want.

But if you still want a relationship with your ex, I suggest doing #2. What’s good for ME and “what’s good for US is not mutually exclusive. You don’t have to stop taking care of ‘us” in order to take care of “me”. You can do both.

Take good care of yourself. You need it and deserve it— but make sure whatever is left of the relationship is taken care of too— if you want your ex back.

RELATED:

No Contact With A Fearful Avoidant Ex Is A Big Gamble

How to Step Back After A Breakup Without Breaking Your Bond

Why You’re Not Failing No Contact — You’re Outgrowing It