Question: I’m sure you’ve been asked this question many times. I’m a successful independent career woman with everything I want except for a stable relationship with a loving man.
At one time I worked with a love coach who told me that men unless they are feminine energy men lose “respect” (translate attraction) for successful women because successful women put out too much masculine energy. So I’ve been dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do to attract a man, but I don’t feel like myself and I think men sense it too. The ones drawn to the “feminine me” are the Alpha Male macho type guys that just don’t do a thing for me. I find them shallow, cold and self-absorbed. I’m also not attracted to men who have no drive or desire to be successful. My question is why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man?
Yangki’s Answer: You’re right, this question has been asked so many times, but lately, I’ve begun to wonder if we are asking the wrong question hence the wrong answers.
Let me back up a little and clarify one thing. Masculine and feminine energies should not be confused with biological make-up (male or female) or social gender roles (man or woman). Masculine and feminine energies operate on a gender neutral (some say spiritual) level. Confusing masculine and feminine energies with male or female or man or woman limits our ultimate potential by limiting our true understanding of who we really are. It is a huge loss for our romantic interactions – how we connect and relate as male and female, man and woman
That said, let’s be real. It’s still a male dominated world we live in, and since men are raised to express more of the masculine energy (independent, driven, take-charge, assertive, firm, upfront, straightforward, intense, decisive, steadfast, self-restrained, adventurous, risk-taking etc), they tend to be the more “successful” gender in the material (do/have) world.
Men who are (materially) “successful” tend to be drawn and attracted to women who express more of the feminine energy (nurturing, cooperative, graceful, gentle, subtle, down-to-earth, unassuming, sensitive, intuitive, cautious, receptive, sensual etc) because they need that balance of energies in their lives. And for the longest time this worked for both men and women. A very masculine man attracted to a very feminine woman.
In the last few decades women have either been deliberately raised or forced to express more of the masculine energy in order to compete and be successful in a male dominated environment. This is a good thing, except that when it comes to relationships the old ways of thinking about men/women dynamic still persists in a majority of both men and women.
At the same time, in the last couple of decades our universal conscious has had a slight shift. The definition of “success” is slowly moving away from having material possessions to “being a whole human being” (Study: Materialistic People Liked Less by Peers Than ‘Experiential’ People). Men and women have been catching up to this “wholeness” way of being and embracing their duality of (feminine and masculine) energies and in the process finding inner balance of both energies.
What’s happening now is that men with a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies are drawn to and attracted to women with a healthy balance of both energies. In other words, women (and men) with too much of one energy are no longer as appealing as they used to be decades ago.
Two problems for women and for men, but for the sake of answering your question, I’ll focus on women.
Women who’ve worked so hard to develop their masculine energy in order to be successful in a male dominated environment and in the process neglected nurturing their feminine energy are not attractive to men who have not done their own inner balancing of energies (masculine only men). Too much of one energy does not make for a healthy romantic match.
And as if to add insult to injury, now women who have done a lot to enhance their masculine energy (neglecting their feminine energy) find themselves forced to contend with advances from men who have less of developed masculine energy and trying to find balance by attaching themselves to a woman expressing a lot of the masculine energy.
Put simply, just like”strong and successful” men are drawn to women who are very ‘feminine”, “strong and successful” women are more attractive to men who are looking for women who can play the “male role”. But as we all know, most “successful” women put up with a lot to get to where they are, and men who can’t carry their own weight soon or later remind them of the same type of “powerlessness” they (women) lived with for so many years. And for these men, they often find that living with a “successful” woman is no “ready made paradise” because she wants a man who is equally “strong and successful”.
But there is more. Women are still stuck in the “old days” of “all feminine” women and “all masculine” men are finding it harder and harder to find “all masculine” men. As our collective universal conscious rises, “all masculine” type of men are fewer and fewer. And even women who find themselves with the “all masculine” man, when they look at couples where the man has a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies, they feel like they’re missing something in their own relationship. They see Mr. Balanced Energies in a suit driving the latest coolest car in the morning and washing dishes and giving kids a bath at night. Meanwhile their “all masculine” man gets home in the evening, pops a beer and slams on the couch to watch the sports channel.
The “all feminine” woman starts demanding that the “all masculine” man be more like Mr. Balanced Energies; something the “all masculine” man is not capable of being because he’s not done what it takes to be that balanced male.
In my humble opinion, the question is not so much why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man, but what can a strong and successful woman do to attract an equally strong and successful man?
I have a few suggestions and it’s not dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do. Personally I’d feel like a first class fake if I followed “be all feminine advice” because it means I’ll have to suppress some of my “masculine traits” which I’m proud of — and have made me who I am today.
It’s all in finding your own inner balance of (masculine and feminine) energies and expressing them authentically.
- Independent (masculine energy) but also friendly and receptive (feminine energy)
- Driven and take-charge (masculine energy) but in a nurturing and cooperative way (feminine energy)
- Guarded and analytical (masculine energy) but also allow yourself to be vulnerable with the right person and show raw emotions at appropriate times (feminine energy)
- Assertive and firm (masculine energy) but graceful and gentle (feminine energy)
- Upfront and straightforward (masculine energy) but in a subtle, down-to-earth and unassuming way (feminine energy)
- Active and intense (masculine energy) but also sensitive and compassionate (feminine energy)
- Intuitive and cautious (feminine energy) but also be decisive and take some risks (masculine energy)
- Introspective and internally centered (feminine energy) but also outwardly curious (masculine energy)
- Dream, imagine and visualize (feminine energy) but don’t sit there waiting for someone else to put it into action, make it happen (masculine energy)
- Revel in your extravagant sensuality (feminine energy) but also exercise self-restraint (masculine energy)
This works for women and as well as for men. The key is balance and harmony within oneself (see: Masculine and Feminine Balance).