Question: I’m sure you’ve been asked this question many times. I’m a successful independent career woman with everything I want except for a stable relationship with a loving man.
At one time I worked with a love coach who told me that men unless they are feminine energy men lose “respect” (translate attraction) for successful women because successful women put out too much masculine energy. So I’ve been dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do to attract a man, but I don’t feel like myself and I think men sense it too. The ones drawn to the “feminine me” are the Alpha Male macho type guys that just don’t do a thing for me. I find them shallow, cold and self-absorbed. I’m also not attracted to men who have no drive or desire to be successful. My question is why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man?
Yangki’s Answer: You’re right, this question has been asked so many times, but lately, I’ve begun to wonder if we are asking the wrong question hence the wrong answers.
Let me back up a little and clarify one thing. Masculine and feminine energies should not be confused with biological make-up (male or female) or social gender roles (man or woman). Masculine and feminine energies operate on a gender neutral (some say spiritual) level. Confusing masculine and feminine energies with male or female or man or woman limits our ultimate potential by limiting our true understanding of who we really are. It is a huge loss for our romantic interactions – how we connect and relate as male and female, man and woman
That said, let’s be real. It’s still a male dominated world we live in, and since men are raised to express more of the masculine energy (independent, driven, take-charge, assertive, firm, upfront, straightforward, intense, decisive, steadfast, self-restrained, adventurous, risk-taking etc), they tend to be the more “successful” gender in the material (do/have) world.
Men who are (materially) “successful” tend to be drawn and attracted to women who express more of the feminine energy (nurturing, cooperative, graceful, gentle, subtle, down-to-earth, unassuming, sensitive, intuitive, cautious, receptive, sensual etc) because they need that balance of energies in their lives. And for the longest time this worked for both men and women. A very masculine man attracted to a very feminine woman.
In the last few decades women have either been deliberately raised or forced to express more of the masculine energy in order to compete and be successful in a male dominated environment. This is a good thing, except that when it comes to relationships the old ways of thinking about men/women dynamic still persists in a majority of both men and women.
At the same time, in the last couple of decades our universal conscious has had a slight shift. The definition of “success” is slowly moving away from having material possessions to “being a whole human being” (Study: Materialistic People Liked Less by Peers Than ‘Experiential’ People). Men and women have been catching up to this “wholeness” way of being and embracing their duality of (feminine and masculine) energies and in the process finding inner balance of both energies.
What’s happening now is that men with a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies are drawn to and attracted to women with a healthy balance of both energies. In other words, women (and men) with too much of one energy are no longer as appealing as they used to be decades ago.
Two problems for women and for men, but for the sake of answering your question, I’ll focus on women.
Women who’ve worked so hard to develop their masculine energy in order to be successful in a male dominated environment and in the process neglected nurturing their feminine energy are not attractive to men who have not done their own inner balancing of energies (masculine only men). Too much of one energy does not make for a healthy romantic match.
And as if to add insult to injury, now women who have done a lot to enhance their masculine energy (neglecting their feminine energy) find themselves forced to contend with advances from men who have less of developed masculine energy and trying to find balance by attaching themselves to a woman expressing a lot of the masculine energy.
Put simply, just like”strong and successful” men are drawn to women who are very ‘feminine”, “strong and successful” women are more attractive to men who are looking for women who can play the “male role”. But as we all know, most “successful” women put up with a lot to get to where they are, and men who can’t carry their own weight soon or later remind them of the same type of “powerlessness” they (women) lived with for so many years. And for these men, they often find that living with a “successful” woman is no “ready made paradise” because she wants a man who is equally “strong and successful”.
But there is more. Women are still stuck in the “old days” of “all feminine” women and “all masculine” men are finding it harder and harder to find “all masculine” men. As our collective universal conscious rises, “all masculine” type of men are fewer and fewer. And even women who find themselves with the “all masculine” man, when they look at couples where the man has a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies, they feel like they’re missing something in their own relationship. They see Mr. Balanced Energies in a suit driving the latest coolest car in the morning and washing dishes and giving kids a bath at night. Meanwhile their “all masculine” man gets home in the evening, pops a beer and slams on the couch to watch the sports channel.
The “all feminine” woman starts demanding that the “all masculine” man be more like Mr. Balanced Energies; something the “all masculine” man is not capable of being because he’s not done what it takes to be that balanced male.
In my humble opinion, the question is not so much why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man, but what can a strong and successful woman do to attract an equally strong and successful man?
I have a few suggestions and it’s not dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do. Personally I’d feel like a first class fake if I followed “be all feminine advice” because it means I’ll have to suppress some of my “masculine traits” which I’m proud of — and have made me who I am today.
It’s all in finding your own inner balance of (masculine and feminine) energies and expressing them authentically.
- Independent (masculine energy) but also friendly and receptive (feminine energy)
- Driven and take-charge (masculine energy) but in a nurturing and cooperative way (feminine energy)
- Guarded and analytical (masculine energy) but also allow yourself to be vulnerable with the right person and show raw emotions at appropriate times (feminine energy)
- Assertive and firm (masculine energy) but graceful and gentle (feminine energy)
- Upfront and straightforward (masculine energy) but in a subtle, down-to-earth and unassuming way (feminine energy)
- Active and intense (masculine energy) but also sensitive and compassionate (feminine energy)
- Intuitive and cautious (feminine energy) but also be decisive and take some risks (masculine energy)
- Introspective and internally centered (feminine energy) but also outwardly curious (masculine energy)
- Dream, imagine and visualize (feminine energy) but don’t sit there waiting for someone else to put it into action, make it happen (masculine energy)
- Revel in your extravagant sensuality (feminine energy) but also exercise self-restraint (masculine energy)
This works for women and as well as for men. The key is balance and harmony within oneself (see: Masculine and Feminine Balance).
I’m a 54 yo man recently divorced after 29 years of marriage. My wife was a sweet woman but not what I would call strong or independent. I find myself attracted to women who are the opposite of my ex-wife. My experience has been mixed, some strong independent successful women are fun to be around and definitely an interesting challenge, but some of have the worst personality of them all women. I’m interested in your take on this? I have read many of your articles and think you are phenomenal.
I see what you are doing there with the “phenomenal” woman thing. You didn’t have to, I’d have still given you my take… 😉
I agree with you that some strong independent successful women have the worst personalities, but I don’t think that has anything to do with being ” strong independent successful”. Some people are just like that: strong or not, independent or not, successful or not.
“Success” just brings out what’s already inside. We can’t ‘hide’ what’s inside for ever.
I really love your inspection of this subject. I think that the notion of a macho man and girly woman are extremes. The average man and woman has a combination of masculine and feminine traits that you have listed, some to a more degree than others.
Hopefully women will embrace their very real femininity.
I’ve always believed that a strong, successful and extremely attractive woman is not some high-powered corporate executive who eats clients for lunch. But a woman who has an inherent blatant sensuality, softness, maybe even some naiveté, but she has certain strong facets of her personality that has men’s hearts pumping at an alarming rate. But then again that’s the kind of woman I’m drawn to. Lol.
Yangki, it’s unfortunate that there are few women (and men) out there who think the way you do. I’ve met plenty of successful women in my life that also have inner strength, wonderful personalities and very feminine. The sad stereotype of successful women as masculine-type “man eaters” has been perpetuated by women who are jealous, and men who can’t have these women. Yes, there certainly are successful women who have horrible personalities, but there are many unsuccessful feminine-type women who do as well.
And this is from a man who is dating a very successful, strong and all rounded feminine-type woman.
Hi Mark, looks like there is many of “us” … both men and women… 🙂
May be what people like you and I need to do is write more about our “positive” experiences because it looks like the “negative” experiences with “strong successful women” have hijacked the conversation. If you have a blog, I’d like to contribute/and will encourage many of my like-minded friends to contribute as well.
Yangki, your insight in so spot on. We women need to become comfortable with being “strong- successful- women.” Many “strong-successful women” types including myself are afraid of being “women”. We sacrifice being “a woman” in exchange for success but then turn around and complain when men avoid them at all cost. But it’s not all the women’s fault, our society does not allow for women to be successful and need love, nurturing, caring emotional support and pampering at the same time. It’s like we have to sacrifice one for the other.
What I take from your post is that a woman doesn’t have to be a “man” to be strong and successful. We “strong-successful women” types can have a well rounded and balanced life!
Thank you for this post. Femininity and masculinity is about “balance of energies” within one individual. Male and female roles have nothing at all to do with it. The sooner women (and men) realize and accept this, the sooner they start getting what they most desire romantically.
Succeeding in the material world doesn’t mean you have succeeded as a human being.
Comments are closed.