How Hard Is It For A Successful Woman To Find A Man?

Question: I’m sure you’ve been asked this question many times. I’m a successful independent career woman with everything I want except for a stable relationship with a loving man.

At one time I worked with a love coach who told me that men unless they are feminine energy men lose “respect” (translate attraction) for successful women because successful women put out too much masculine energy. So I’ve been dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do to attract a man, but I don’t feel like myself and I think men sense it too. The ones drawn to the “feminine me” are the Alpha Male macho type guys that just don’t do a thing for me. I find them shallow, cold and self-absorbed. I’m also not attracted to men who have no drive or desire to be successful. My question is why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man?

Yangki’s Answer: You’re right, this question has been asked so many times, but lately, I’ve begun to wonder if we are asking the wrong question hence the wrong answers.

Let me back up a little and clarify one thing. Masculine and feminine energies should not be confused with biological make-up (male or female) or social gender roles (man or woman). Masculine and feminine energies operate on a gender neutral (some say spiritual) level. Confusing masculine and feminine energies with male or female or man or woman limits our ultimate potential by limiting our true understanding of who we really are. It is a huge loss for our romantic interactions – how we connect and relate as male and female, man and woman

That said, let’s be real. It’s still a male dominated world we live in, and since men are raised to express more of the masculine energy (independent, driven, take-charge, assertive, firm, upfront, straightforward, intense, decisive, steadfast, self-restrained, adventurous, risk-taking etc), they tend to be the more “successful” gender in the material (do/have) world.

Men who are (materially) “successful” tend to be drawn and attracted to women who express more of the feminine energy (nurturing, cooperative, graceful, gentle, subtle, down-to-earth, unassuming, sensitive, intuitive, cautious, receptive, sensual etc) because they need that balance of energies in their lives. And for the longest time this worked for both men and women. A very masculine man attracted to a very feminine woman.

In the last few decades women have either been deliberately raised or forced to express more of the masculine energy in order to compete and be successful in a male dominated environment. This is a good thing, except that when it comes to relationships the old ways of thinking about men/women dynamic still persists in a majority of both men and women.

At the same time, in the last couple of decades our universal conscious has had a slight shift. The definition of “success” is slowly moving away from having material possessions to “being a whole human being” (Study: Materialistic People Liked Less by Peers Than ‘Experiential’ People). Men and women have been catching up to this “wholeness” way of being and embracing their duality of (feminine and masculine) energies and in the process finding inner balance of both energies.

What’s happening now is that men with a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies are drawn to and attracted to women with a healthy balance of both energies. In other words, women (and men) with too much of one energy are no longer as appealing as they used to be decades ago.

Two problems for women and for men, but for the sake of answering your question, I’ll focus on women.

Women who’ve worked so hard to develop their masculine energy in order to be successful in a male dominated environment and in the process neglected nurturing their feminine energy are not attractive to men who have not done their own inner balancing of energies (masculine only men). Too much of one energy does not make for a healthy romantic match.

And as if to add insult to injury, now women who have done a lot to enhance their masculine energy (neglecting their feminine energy) find themselves forced to contend with advances from men who have less of developed masculine energy and trying to find balance by attaching themselves to a woman expressing a lot of the masculine energy.

Put simply, just like”strong and successful” men are drawn to women who are very ‘feminine”, “strong and successful” women are more attractive to men who are looking for women who can play the “male role”. But as we all know, most “successful” women put up with a lot to get to where they are, and men who can’t carry their own weight soon or later remind them of the same type of “powerlessness” they (women) lived with for so many years. And for these men, they often find that living with a “successful” woman is no “ready made paradise” because she wants a man who is equally “strong and successful”.

But there is more. Women are still stuck in the “old days” of “all feminine” women and “all masculine” men are finding it harder and harder to find “all masculine” men. As our collective universal conscious rises, “all masculine” type of men are fewer and fewer. And even women who find themselves with the  “all masculine”  man, when they look at couples where the man has a healthy balance of both masculine and feminine energies, they feel like they’re missing something in their own relationship. They see Mr. Balanced Energies in a suit driving the latest coolest car in the morning and washing dishes and giving kids a bath at night. Meanwhile their “all masculine” man gets home in the evening, pops a beer and slams on the couch to watch the sports channel.

The “all feminine” woman starts demanding that the “all masculine” man be more like Mr. Balanced Energies; something the “all masculine” man is not capable of being because he’s not done what it takes to be that balanced male.

In my humble opinion, the question is not so much why is it so hard for a strong and successful woman to find a strong and successful man, but what can a strong and successful woman do to attract an equally strong and successful man?

I have a few suggestions and it’s not dressing feminine and acting feminine and doing everything they say feminine women should do. Personally I’d feel like a first class fake if I followed “be all feminine advice” because it means I’ll have to suppress some of my “masculine traits” which I’m proud of — and have made me who I am today.

It’s all in finding your own inner balance of (masculine and feminine) energies and expressing them authentically.

For example:

  • Independent (masculine energy) but also friendly and receptive (feminine energy)
  • Driven and take-charge (masculine energy) but in a nurturing and cooperative way (feminine energy)
  • Guarded and analytical (masculine energy) but also allow yourself to be vulnerable with the right person and show raw emotions at appropriate times (feminine energy)
  • Assertive and firm (masculine energy) but graceful and gentle (feminine energy)
  • Upfront and straightforward (masculine energy) but in a subtle, down-to-earth and unassuming way (feminine energy)
  • Active and intense (masculine energy) but also sensitive and compassionate (feminine energy)
  • Intuitive and cautious (feminine energy) but also be decisive and take some risks (masculine energy)
  • Introspective and internally centered (feminine energy) but also outwardly curious (masculine energy)
  • Dream, imagine and visualize (feminine energy) but don’t sit there waiting for someone else to put it into action, make it happen (masculine energy)
  • Revel in your extravagant sensuality (feminine energy) but also exercise self-restraint (masculine energy)

This works for women and as well as for men. The key is balance and harmony within oneself (see: Masculine and Feminine Balance).

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32 replies on “How Hard Is It For A Successful Woman To Find A Man?”
  1. says: Sid

    I’m a 54 yo man recently divorced after 29 years of marriage. My wife was a sweet woman but not what I would call strong or independent. I find myself attracted to women who are the opposite of my ex-wife. My experience has been mixed, some strong independent successful women are fun to be around and definitely an interesting challenge, but some of have the worst personality of them all women. I’m interested in your take on this? I have read many of your articles and think you are phenomenal.

    1. says: Love Doctor, Yangki Akiteng

      I see what you are doing there with the “phenomenal” woman thing. You didn’t have to, I’d have still given you my take… 😉

      I agree with you that some strong independent successful women have the worst personalities, but I don’t think that has anything to do with being ” strong independent successful”. Some people are just like that: strong or not, independent or not, successful or not.

      “Success” just brings out what’s already inside. We can’t ‘hide’ what’s inside for ever.

  2. says: Cisco

    I really love your inspection of this subject. I think that the notion of a macho man and girly woman are extremes. The average man and woman has a combination of masculine and feminine traits that you have listed, some to a more degree than others.

    Hopefully women will embrace their very real femininity.

  3. says: TommyF

    I’ve always believed that a strong, successful and extremely attractive woman is not some high-powered corporate executive who eats clients for lunch. But a woman who has an inherent blatant sensuality, softness, maybe even some naiveté, but she has certain strong facets of her personality that has men’s hearts pumping at an alarming rate. But then again that’s the kind of woman I’m drawn to. Lol.

  4. says: Mark

    Yangki, it’s unfortunate that there are few women (and men) out there who think the way you do. I’ve met plenty of successful women in my life that also have inner strength, wonderful personalities and very feminine. The sad stereotype of successful women as masculine-type “man eaters” has been perpetuated by women who are jealous, and men who can’t have these women. Yes, there certainly are successful women who have horrible personalities, but there are many unsuccessful feminine-type women who do as well.

    And this is from a man who is dating a very successful, strong and all rounded feminine-type woman.

    1. Hi Mark, looks like there is many of “us” … both men and women… 🙂

      May be what people like you and I need to do is write more about our “positive” experiences because it looks like the “negative” experiences with “strong successful women” have hijacked the conversation. If you have a blog, I’d like to contribute/and will encourage many of my like-minded friends to contribute as well.

  5. says: Billy

    Yangki, your insight in so spot on. We women need to become comfortable with being “strong- successful- women.” Many “strong-successful women” types including myself are afraid of being “women”. We sacrifice being “a woman” in exchange for success but then turn around and complain when men avoid them at all cost. But it’s not all the women’s fault, our society does not allow for women to be successful and need love, nurturing, caring emotional support and pampering at the same time. It’s like we have to sacrifice one for the other.

    What I take from your post is that a woman doesn’t have to be a “man” to be strong and successful. We “strong-successful women” types can have a well rounded and balanced life!

  6. says: Sara

    Thank you for this post. Femininity and masculinity is about “balance of energies” within one individual. Male and female roles have nothing at all to do with it. The sooner women (and men) realize and accept this, the sooner they start getting what they most desire romantically.

  7. says: Elisa

    ‘I don’t think it’s too much to ask that we be seen, thought of, treated and loved as individuals’

    I want to give you a huge hug just for saying that.

    I’m a 38 year old quite successful woman looking to fall in love with someone special but all the men I meet never seem to see me at all. Most of us want to be loved and appreciated for who we are as individuals and the man who can see me for who I am as a person and love and appreciate me just the way I am has my heart.

  8. says: Life observer

    Fascinating stuff. In my experience I’ve found that the way one defines “success” affects one’s sense of meaning of life. Most people in the western world define success in terms of money and since money is one of the measurable ranking factors of success, it has a strong impact on self-esteem, sense of significance, feeling of attractiveness and unfortunately relationships but in a negative way. If the meaning of success continues to be defined in the way our western culture defines it, I fear that few young adults will be able to find satisfaction and meaning in life.

    Keep up the good work.

    1. “… the way one defines “success” affects one’s sense of meaning of life.”

      I’d never really thought of it like that but it does make a lot of sense. There is no end to learning, is there? Thanks A LOT!… 🙂

  9. says: Enant

    Hi Thanks for your reply. I think that we don’t need to agree with everything or with everyone and still carry on with the discussion without falling into boredom. There is a place where everyone agrees with everyone else, it is called a cult. So I hope this place is not one! Catherine mentioned something like a deep revelation, this sounded fascinating to me. Her statement was perfectly relevant with the topic and she triggered my curiosity. Since my post has inspired such a lengthy diatribe, at least I have to read your commentaries twice because they deserve it. They are more or less true but on another level, may be a deeper level or something like that. In my case, I cannot elaborate anything on that level!

  10. says: Enant

    Well done Catherine!

    In fact when I re-read my previous post I don’t fully understand it. So I hope you people don’t take it too literally. The title of this blog itself seems strange to me. “Strong Successful Woman” sounds like an oxymoron. The whole title “How a strong successful woman can attract a good man” sounds like “A strong successful woman in her natural state cannot attract a good man” to me. I don’t know if it sounds funny but it is certainly not funny for someone who’s been there. When you mentioned balancing your creative and goal-oriented energies, I think that your goal-oriented energies are finally oriented towards creativity, or at least creativity being inclusive henceforth, compared to the conventional social patterns that were ruling before. Anyway, congratulations and have a nice day!

    1. Enant wrote: The title of this blog itself seems strange to me. “Strong Successful Woman” sounds like an oxymoron.

      Strong = inner fortitude and/or character
      Successful = outer expression of strengths, talents, abilities, accomplishment etc.

      One can have inner fortitude and/or character but it does not outwardly translate into “successful” and one can be “successful” but lack inner fortitude and/or character.

      If you feel misunderstood before, I’m sorry. I just felt some things had to be put into perspective. I took issue (and still do) with the use of words like “in her natural state”. I do not claim to know the reason why you’re pushing for that particular angle but it’s the sort of thing I read in PUA seduction blogs and forums, and promoted mostly by guys who want “strong successful women” but can’t get one or keep one. So they use “in her natural state” as if it’s something that’s fact.

      There is no such a thing as a “natural state” for a strong successful woman (or any woman or man for that matter) that dictates how she thinks, feels, acts or who she is attracted to (not attracted to) or who is attracted to her. A strong successful woman is not some kind of “animal” in an African Game reserve (in it’s natural state and natural environment). Women like all human beings are constantly changing and consciously evolving individuals with individual experiences (Donovan, Catherine above atest to that). I don’t think it’s too much to ask that we be seen, thought of, treated and loved as individuals…

      I also find your use of “conventional social patterns” a little disturbing in that it makes it seem like it’s the only thing that influences attraction behaviour, choices, etc. Some attraction behaviour is influenced by “conventional social patterns” and some by genes, family dynamics, and unique personal experiences.

      Last but not least, you wrote, “I think that your goal-oriented energies are finally oriented towards creativity, or at least creativity being inclusive henceforth, compared to the conventional social patterns that were ruling before”.

      First all, masculine/feminine energies are not “ruled by conventional social patterns” or man/woman roles (I suspect this is what you’re talking about). Masculine/feminine energies are a whole other (higher) level of human be-ingness. Second of all, in energy balancing there is no “before” and “after”. The process of balancing these energies is fluid, continuous and mostly on a much deeper level. Catherine didn’t “orient” towards creativity. She IS (or should I say ‘was’ for clarity) already creative by virtue of her feminine energy. All she did was tap more into who she already IS to balance her already expressed masculine energy (goal-oriented).

      Despite the fact that we disagree on so many levels, I think you frame your arguments elegantly… I just don’t agree with them… 🙁

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