Question: Yangki, I like your approach and agree with much of what you say. But I have also been reading other sites that say it’s better to give him space so he misses you because it’s human nature to idealize what we don’t have. If he misses you when you’re not there he will realize how much you mean to him.
Yangki’s Answer: I am human too but it’s not in my nature to idealize what I don’t have. I am securely attached like that… 😉
We all have our different attitudes and beliefs about relationships and life and people in general. Somethings we believe without questioning or testing the validity of a belief, for example the belief that “if he misses you when you’re not there he will realize how much you mean to him” or “treat them mean keep them keen” or “men want what they can’t have” etc.
The reality is that 1) some people realize how much they miss you when you are not there, 2) some people out of sight is out of mind, and 3) some people realize how much they miss you but don’t act on it.
It’s up to you to decide what makes more sense to you and what you believe is how you want to love or be loved.
The questions I would like you to ask yourself are:
- Isn’t the very goal of a relationship “to be there” for each other (Independent but interdependent)?
- Do you have to “give space” every time to remind someone how much you mean to them?
- What does it say about your relationship and the strength of someone’s attraction to you?
- How often can you “give space” without it negatively impacting the relationship?
- When you return, do they miss you less now that you are ‘there”?
- How do you learn to BE together if the only way you know how to create attraction or increase desire is to “not be there”?
- What happens when you get ‘married’ and are there all the time, do you have to leave to make a spouse realize how much you mean to them?
- How sustainable is a relationship or marriage where “giving space” is the way you resolve disagreements or conflict?
If there is anything we can learn from couples who have been together like for ever, it’s that you work through your problems not avoid each other, and if attraction or desire fades you talk about it, get professional help if necessary, make changes, learn new skills or acquire new tools, and you hold each other up not prey on each other’s fears and insecurities.
Personally, I would be concerned and sad that I have to give someone space to be missed. I would ask myself, “Is this how I want to be loved or wanted? What does it say about our relationship? What does it say about me?”.
I think many will agree with me that it’s a wonderful feeling knowing that you are so loved that someone misses you even when you are right across the room, and that you are the first face they want to see in the morning and the last one they want to see before they close their eyes at night. And when they wake up, the first thing they do is reach out for you because they missed you while they slept right next to you.
Wouldn’t you rather spend time learning how to create the kind of attraction that makes someone miss you and want you whether you are there or not than spend time counting how many days for your ex to miss you, or doing things to ‘make your ex miss you” that bring question to your character, maturity and emotional or mental stability.