Why Fearful Avoidants Test You – 6 Tests Most People Fail

If it feels like your fearful avoidant is constantly testing you, chances are you are being tested. I’ll go even further and say, if your ex is a fearful avoidant, expect them to test you at some point, or test you again and again.

Testing, sometimes called a “secret assessment,” is when someone says or does something to see how the other person will react. They are gathering information without directly asking the question they really want answered.

With a fearful avoidant ex, the question underneath many of these tests is often quite simple: “Am I safe with you, or am I going to get hurt again?”

Why fearful avoidant testing behaviour is different

Testing behaviours are common in relationships where one or both people are insecure, have doubts, don’t trust the other or don’t feel safe.

For example, an anxious person tests to see if you still care. If you reach out, show interest or say you still care, the test feels successful and reassuring.

A dismissive avoidant may occasionally test to see if you are still emotionally reactive. If you respond calmly and with less emotional intensity, it reassures them that it is safe to engage with you.

Both anxious and dismissive avoidant are looking for information that reassures them about the connection or dynamic.

Fearful avoidants often do the opposite.

They are not necessarily looking for reassurance. They are looking for confirmation of something they already believe or fear about the relationship.

This pattern comes from deep distrust of people who claim to love and care about them.

Fearful avoidants learned early in life that people’s words can not be trusted. As adults, they can’t afford to simply take someone at their word, they have to look for other ways that reveal what someone will really do when given the opportunity to hurt hem.

This is where the testing comes in. The tests are often a series of pre-emptive actions to see what you’ll do because getting hurt on their own terms feels safer than being caught off guard later. This is what sometimes makes it feel like you’re constantly being tested.

Not every unusual fearful avoidant behaviour is a test

I want to make it clear that not every fearful avoidant behaviour is a test, has a hidden meaning, is necessarily manipulative or testing your “breaking point”.

It can absolutely feel malicious, confusing, and painful from the outside, but a fearful avoidant isn’t trying to inflict pain on you, they are trying to find out if you are going to inflict pain on them.

It is a terrified and clumsy survival mechanism born out of a deep fear of getting hurt, not a desire to cause you harm.

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell general fearful avoidant behaviour ends and a test begins.

What makes it a test is the behaviour is they create a situation to see how you respond.

If you are aware of their testing behaviour, it can almost feel like a setup or a trap because there is no real right answer that you feel won’t come back later to bite you.

You find yourself debating in your head: “If I say this, they’ll think X, and if I say that, they’ll think Y.” Either way, you feel like you could get it wrong.

This is what I meant in the beginning of the article when I said, “If it feels like your fearful avoidant is constantly testing you, chances are you are being tested.”

The “answer” itself matters less than how you actually handle the test

Most of the time, a fearful avoidant isn’t looking for the exact “right” words or answer, they’re instead evaluating how you actually handle the test.

This is why a fearful avoidant can sometimes seem conflicted when you respond in a way that they didn’t expect. They may have expected you to fail the test, and when you don’t, they are left with information that doesn’t fit what they were expecting.

It’s also why fearful avoidant tests can look contradictory. They subconsciously (and sometimes deliberately) set up situations expecting the other person to fail, because failing the test confirms that their original fears were right or justified.

And after a breakup, especially when there has been hurt, conflict or a loss of trust, they cannot simply decide, “I trust you again,” and make the fear of getting hurt again disappear. They need to find out for themselves if you are just saying what you think they want to hear to get them back, or if they have evidence to trust you again.

To look at a fearful avoidant’s testing behaviour with the complexity it demands, let’s to look at what they are actually evaluating, and ways they do this.

1. Pull back to see what you do

They want to see whether you remain consistent.

And this is where most people fail. They read “avoidant” in fearful avoidant and assume a fearful avoidant pulling back automatically means they need “space”. So they respond to a fearful avoidant pulling back by either chasing harder or pulling away themselves. But a fearful avoidant may be watching to see whether you remain consistent even when they pull back.

How you know it’s a test is, when they want space, they actually take space. When it’s a test, they say they need space or time, then immediately re-engage to see whether your attitude toward them has changed.

They may also have in the past complained that you don’t reach out when they pull back, questioned your interest or how much you care or mentioned that they need for consistency or clarity.  The test is to see if what they think and believe is true.

2. Tell you they reached their limit

For example, they can say, “I can’t handle a relationship right now,” then add “But we can still be friends”, or “I want a break” and later say, “But you can contact me”.

The contradiction gives them an opportunity to see what you do when they reach their emotional bandwidth limit. How you respond gives them information of what your true intention with them are.

Most people fail this test because they focus on the part where a fearful avoidant is pulling away, and not on the opening they have left. They hear “I don’t want a relationship” and react, without considering why the fearful avoidant added “We can still be friends.” They hear “I want a break” and overlook “But you can contact me.”

A fearful avoidant sees this as information that when they express the limits of what they can offer at the moment, you reject or abandon the connection and them altogether. Later, when you say, “I want you to feel safe,” “I’m here for you,” or “I’ll never leave you,” they have a hard time believing it because you had the opportunity to prove it with actions, and you failed.

3. Bring up a specific conflict from the past

This test is often a response to claims that you have changed or that things will be different going forward, or if they came back.

They know that if they asked you something directly, you will give the answer you think they want. But if they bring up the old conflict, you may respond defensively, become angry or give them information that tells them whether anything has really changed.

Most anxiously attached people fail this test because they are too eager to talk about the past.

They see the opening as a chance to explain themselves, clear up misunderstandings or finally get a fearful avoidant to understand their side. In doing so, they given a fearful avoidant more information to question if anything has really changed.

4. Show you vulnerability to see your reaction

They may reveal something personal or vulnerable and then give you an opportunity to respond in a way that confirms their fear that they cannot trust you with their vulnerability.

For example: “I missed you.”

It’s something someone might say simply because they genuinely missed you. But for a fearful avoidant, it can also be a way of seeing what you do with that vulnerability.

Most people fail this test because they immediately jump in with too much intensity or push for more too quickly. They start bringing up past memories to try to trigger nostalgia or use the moment to move things forward.

When a fearful avoidant pulls back after saying “I missed you,” they assume, “They pulled back because I said ‘I missed you too,’” or they “felt vulnerable” and it scared them.

But for a fearful avoidant, it isn’t that you said you missed them too. They may actually want to hear that you missed them too. It is what you do afterwards that tells them how you will handle things if they come closer or allow themselves to be vulnerable with you again.

5. Hold an unreasonable position

This test is common with fearful avoidants who suspect that you are just saying the right things to keep the peace or to get them back, or feel that you are not who you appear to be.

The point of the test is to see if what they already suspect or believe about you is true.

Sometimes a fearful avoidant will even tell you that they think you say things you don’t really mean or that you aren’t being authentic. And then go ahead and test you.

They may even insist on something they know is unreasonable, not because the issue itself matters, but to see what your response tells them about you.

Most people fail this test because they make it about the issue. They focus on proving that they are right, getting the fearful avoidant to admit they are wrong, or defending themselves instead of recognizing that the real test is how they respond when they are challenged.

6. Tell you to go date other people

I saved this for last because it shows just how confusing fearful avoidant tests can be, and why you never seem to pass them.

A fearful avoidant may tell you to go date other people because they can’t give you what you need, don’t want to waste your time or lead you on, or don’t want to get back together.

If you tell them you don’t want anyone else, they experience that as pressure to take you back, or feel that you are just saying that you don’t want anyone else, but will go behind their back date other people.

On the other hand, if you say, “Okay,” and actually start dating someone else, they get hurt, rejected or question whether you ever cared as much as they thought.

If feels like there is no right answer.

But for a fearful avoidant, they are not really looking for the “right” answer, because, as mentioned earlier, they don’t trust other people’s words. What they are testing is what happens when they give you an opportunity to hurt or disappoint them.

In other words, the test is not whether you date other people or not, it is:

• “What happens if I ask for this?”
• “Will you respect me?”
• “Will you leave?”
• “Will you punish me?”
• “Will you pressure me?”
• “Can I trust you with this?”

So how do you handle what feels like non-stop tests?

The key is not to treat every test as something you need to pass. The worst thing you can do is become obsessed with figuring out what your fearful avoidant ex is testing and giving them the answer you think they want.

This simply creates another performance that proves exactly what they are testing for.

Because of their attachment style, they already don’t trust people who claim to love and care about them, and that includes you. They also don’t just trust words, so words like “I want you to feel safe,” “I’m here for you,” or even “I’ll never leave you” mean little to a fearful avoidant.

The only thing that can convince them that you are not going to hurt them is experiencing it through clear signals and actions over time.

Clear signals reduce the need for testing because they give a fearful avoidant less uncertainty to investigate. When they already know where you stand and what they can expect from you, they have The answer is already there.

When you’re consistently clear and your words and actions consistently match, they will have less need to create situations to find out what you will do when given the opportunity to hurt them. The behaviour may still come up every now and then because it is a survival instinct, but the need to keep testing you can lessen because there is less fear of getting hurt for them to manage.

But a fearful avoidant testing pattern proves too much or too difficult for you to handle, be honest with yourself and with your fearful avoidant ex.

A fearful avoidant would rather know now than find out later that you were only saying or doing what they wanted to hear because you were trying to get them back.

And for you, it is better to know now what you can and cannot genuinely handle than to pretend you can handle their testing behaviour, only to find yourself unhappy, resentful or feeling emotionally burned out.

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Do Dismissive Avoidant Exes Test You? (And How?)