How To Reach Out But Not Chase A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

Trying to figure out if a dismissive avoidant wants you to reach out is sometimes like trying to read meaning into a void or blankness. You know there’s a void but you don’t know what’s in the void because dismissive avoidant often don’t tell or show how they feel.

If you reach out they respond, if you don’t reach out they don’t reach out. You often don’t know if they still have feelings for you, if they want you to reach out or if they’re interested.

So how do you even know if a dimissive avoidant wants you to reach out?

• They consistently respond even if briefly to keep a low-level connection open.
• They respond quickly when you reach out and may apologize for delayed responses.
• They ask neutral, non-emotional questions to keep interaction going.
• They don’t show irritation when you contact them and don’t distance afterward).
• They reach out sometimes indirectly (sending links, practical updates, “random” check-ins).

The message these send is that they’re okay with you reaching out as long as it’s:

• Low-pressure
• Non-demanding
• Emotionally contained
• Not frequent
• Not about “the relationship”
• Not requiring vulnerability from them
• Easy to respond to (or ignore) without consequence

When does reaching out become “chasing” a dismissive avoidant?

I often tell my clients: You can’t chase someone who is not pulling away or running away. Meaning, for it to be “chasing”, there has to be pursuer and a pursued. If an avoidant is responding and engaged, you are not pursuing them because they’re not withdrawing or running away. But when they start pulling away, and you increase contact or engagement, you’re chasing: They’re withdrawing and you’re trying to stop them from withdrawing further.

So yes, reach out to a dismissive avoidant ex because if you don’t reach out, they won’t reach out; you’ll go your separate ways not knowing what could have happened had you reached out and kept the lines of communication open.

But when they start withdrawing, do not increase contact or engagement or try to stop them from withdrawing. This includes apologizing unnecessarily, fishing for compliments, changing your views to match theirs, pretending to understand or be interested what they’re saying, acting timid and scared to express your thoughts or ask for what you need.

Basically any type of communication that sends the message: I see you withdrawing and I’ll do whatever it takes to stop you.

Why dismissive avoidants don’t like being chased

When a dismisive avoidant starts pulling away, and you increase contact or engagement it feels:

1. Intrusive:

Dismissive avoidant rely on themselves to feel regulated, so repeated reach outs or repeated attempts to engage when they need to regulate disrespects their need to regulate. For dismissive avoidants, t feels like someone entering their “safe space” without permission or by force, especially if the reach out carries emotional expectation.

2. Threatening:

Dismissive avoidants find being chasing not just annoying but threatening because chasing implies need, escalation of dependency, or a demand for a vulnerability they don’t feel equipped or willing to meet.

Dismissive avoidants learned from a very early age that needing or depending on someone is a weakness. When you need someone or show them that you need them, you make yourself vulnerable. They may use your need for them to manipulate or control you. This is the psychological script that drives a dismissive avoidant’s determination to be independent and self-reliant.

When a dismissive avoidant sees you acting needy and dependant, they see weakness. They see someone who can be easily manipulated and controlled and it turns them off. They’re not only uncomfortable with someone being so vulnerable or showing so much vulnerability, they also don’t want that kind of vulnerability directed towards them.

Reaching out to a dismissive avoidant is not the issue, it’s knowing how and when

In my experience helping people attract back dismissive avoidant exes, reaching out to a dismissive avoidant is not the issue, how often you reach out and more importantly how your contacts make a dismissive avoidant ex feel is the difference between just reaching out and chasing a dismissive avoidant ex.

If for example a dismissive avoidant ex:

• Has made it clear they want nothing to do with you, even reaching out once feels like you’re chasing them.
• Has established a pattern of pacing contact that feels safe, and you suddenly deviate from the pattern, it’ll feel to a dimissive avoidant like you’re chasing them.
• Has agreed to seeing where things go or mentioned that they want to take things slow, and you start expressing strong feelings for them, that can feel like chasing to a dismissive avoidant ex.

They don’t like you reaching out to pressure them into doing things they’re not comfortable with (e.g. more contact, communication or closeness). They also don’t like you reaching out for reassurance that things are going somewhere. To a dismissive avoidant ex this feels like they’re being chased. You want something from them that they’re not ready to give you or want to give at the time. And you may be asking a dismissive avoidant ex to give you what they’re incapable of giving you. When they feel the pressure (real or imagined), it feels like you’re chasing them.

But here is what is utterly baffling and confusing about a dismissive avoidant attachment style. Even when a dismissive avoidant ex has feelings for you:

1. They very rarely reveal how they feel

Usually when you know how someone feels about you you know, it you how they’ll feel about you reaching out. ith dismissive avoidants, you donlt know and this is where the question, “should I reach out to my dismissive avoidant ex or does reaching out look like chasing a dismissive avoidant?” comes from.

2. They put up so many boundaries and restrictions

Even “normal” things like texting, making plans, checking or everyday gestures of closeness or care can trigger withdrawal.. What feels routine to most people can feel intrusive to them, making even small interactions a delicate balance of timing, tone, and neediness.

How do you then reach out but not chase a dismissive avoidant ex

1. If they say they don’t want contact

Don’t contact them.With a dismissive avoidant, ignoring a stated boundary doesn’t feel like love or reassuring; it only confirms their need to withdraw further. A dimissive avoidnt is more likely to respect you, even if they don’t want you back, if you respect their boundary, show restraint, and self-respect.

2. When they stop responding

Reach out to a dismissive avoidant ex at least two times and if they don’t respond after two attempts, stop reaching out. Wait a reasonable amount of time and then try reaching out again. If a dismissive avoidant ex is still unresponsive, don’t reach out again. You’ve shown them that you’re interested, and if they’re interested, they’ll reach out to you.

3. If a dismissive avoidant ex is responding

They’re giving you consent to reach out. Reaching out in this case is not chasing. A dismissive avoidant is not trying to run away from you and may even be coming towards you if they’re sending bids for connection. But don’t keep reaching out to a point where it feels to a dismissive avoidant like you’re trying to get them back into a relationship when they’re not ready.

4. If they’re not emotionally investing

Don’t put in more energy and time to try to get them to put in time and energy. It doesn;t work like that with dimissive avoidants.

In the initial stages of trying to attract back an avoiant ex (fearful or dismissive), you may find yourself doing 100% of the heavy-lifting. That’s expected. But if you’re doing all the right things, by 4 – 6 weeks, you should things start to balance out with youravoidant ex putting in some effort.

The amount of time and effort they’re putting in should increase over time for it not to feel like you’re chasing a dismissive avoidant.

If a dismissive avoidant ex is responding and it feels like they’re just being polite or putting in low effort, don’t try to work even harder to get their attention. The harder you work to get a dismissive avoidant’s attention, the more it feels like you’re chasing them.

Keep reaching out and building your connection but spend more time on you than you spend looking for signs and reactions from a dismissive avoidants. Check-in if they don’t respond for a week, but don’t double -text. And most of all, don’t start some low-grade drama because you’re frustrated that a dismissive avoidant is just being a dismissive avoidant.

The amount of time and energy you put into creating a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is not always going match with what you get out of it. This is because anxious people and dismissive avoidants have different relationship needs when it comes to closeness and connection. But if you can find a way to work together so that both of you can get your needs met within the relationship, and with open and vulnerable communication and trust, a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can absolutely work.

RELATED:

Dismissive Avoidant Don’t Chase – Don’t Want to Be Chased

Giving An Avoidant Ex Space While Staying Close: What It Means

10 Steps That Balance Contact With Your Avoidant Ex