Will My Dismissive Avoidant Ex Ever Forgive Me?

Question: Will my dismissive avoidant ex ever forgive me?

I am an anxious-preoccupied who is becoming securely attached. Three weeks ago I contacted my ex about some important documents that I needed her help with and she agreed to help. We haven’t had much contact after the breakup but we keep each other updated on family and mutual friends. My family adores her, and her family loves me. I then asked her if I can buy her dinner as a thank you and to my surprise she said yes. A month ago she wouldn’t even return any of my calls. I admit I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I now realize I was way too clingy and controlling and when I was angry I put her down.

Since the dinner, we have had many phone conversation mostly about business, family, and friends. When we talk, I’m cheerful, confident and relaxed. I want her to see that I am not the emotional wreck she knew a few weeks ago but she’s cold and answers with one word. Yesterday, I asked her if being in contact made her uncomfortable and she said yes. I asked if she wanted me to stop reaching out, she said, that’s upto me. She can’t tell me what to do. I asked her what I can do to make her feel safe (something I learned reading your articles) and she said hurt her deeply and she is having a hard forgiving me. I sked her where we go from here, she said “We’ll see. Only time will tell”.

I’ve come a long way thanks to therapy. She says I. What should I say to get my dismissive avoidant ex to forgive me?

Yangki’s Answer: You are taking all the right steps in the right direction:

• Becoming self-aware and taking responsibility for your role in where things are right now.
• Getting the help you needed to become a better you.
• Reaching out instead of waiting for her to reach out –  which would have never happened.
• Presenting cheerful, confident and relaxed you
• Taking the risk to ask her out.

All these combined plus the fact that the two of you have undoubtingly a strong bond is why you are still in each other’s loves. Most dismissive avoidant bonds dont survce a dismissive avoidant’s hurt because they’re surface level attachment.

That said, you dismissive avoidant ex is also doing all the things their attachment style does when deeply hurt; she:

• Agreed to help on a practical matter – which is a dimissive avoidant’s way of showing they care
• Agreed to go to dinner – which is her attachment’s way of mainitaing the bond
• Maintaining emotional distance to protect herself.
• Responded directly and clearly when you asked if contact made her uncomfortable
• Left the decision whether to not to reach out to you – which is in line with a dimissive attachment sense of self-autonomy.
• Said “We’ll see. Only time will tell”-  typical of a dismissiv avoidant not wanting to make any promisses that lead to expectations.

In my opinion, all these are positive signs when you consider the fact that she has not completely emotionally shut down which is a typical dismissive avoidant response to hurt.

Now, will she forgive you? A dismissive avoidant ex can forgive you but it doesn’t mean they’ll trust you again.

Studies on attachment styles show that dismissive avoidants in general have a hard time forgiving because forgiveness requires one to face what happened, process it and move past it. Dismissive avoidant tend to avoid facing what happened and processing it; instead they go straight to wanting to move past it.

This becomes a problem later on because moving past something is not the same as processing it. Skipping emotional reduces emotional discomfort in the short term, but it doesn’t actually heal the hurt. It instead suppresses the emotions associated with it and compartmentalizes the experience.

The result is on-going emotional distance and persistent distrust that never really goes away. On the surface it feels like they’re fine and have moved past what happened, but subconsciousl closeness remains unsafe..

The next steps for you going forward are:

1. Show her with your action and consistency that it won’t happen again.

This means making sure you don’t do things that remind her of why she’s hurting. This all comes down to how much changing you have done.

2. Take things real slow and let her emotional state lead the way

Don’t be surprised if she says she thinks she needs to pull back. Do not panic and get all clingy (again) or completely pull back and stop all communication. Her attachment system is doing exactly what it needs do to protect her.

Simply tell her it’s not what you want but you understand and hope that she knows that she can reach out to you any time she wants to. Then ask her if you can check-in once in a while just to know she’s okay.

The goal is to make sure the door is still open for when she’s ready to truly put the past behind her, and also to show to her that you indeed have changed.

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