Question: I met a guy I’m very attracted to; 38, divorced with no kids. I’m 40 divorced with one son. He and my brother-in- law co-own an investment firm. One day my brother-in-law jokingly suggested that he take me out. We had a blast. The next time he asked me out on his own and on the second date, if I may call it that, he said he’d never had so much fun with a woman before.
We’ve been out five times but I’m beginning to think he just wants to have fun hanging out with me and nothing more. It’s crossed my mind may be he is doing all this for my brother-in-law. He compliments me but no sign that says he is attracted to me. He walks me to my door but never tries to kiss me or show signs that he wants to. I just wish he’d take the bull by the horns and kiss me already. Is he shy or is he just hanging out with me because it’s fun?
Yangki’s Answer: It’s hard to tell. On one hand he may just want to hang around with you as a friend and nothing more. On the other hand, he may actually be attracted to you but too shy to express it or afraid to risk that budding friendship by kissing you. The other possibility is that he is just a decent guy who will not touch a woman in a certain way without clear signals from her that she wants him to.
Five dates (yes, I call them dates), I think it’s a great time for you to make a subtle move now. The keyword here is “subtle”.
Shy guys are more of listeners than talkers, so it’s up to you to do most of the talking. Ask him questions about himself — his dreams, his likes, his fears, what his day is like etc. Throw in some hints there that make it obvious to him that you’re interested in getting to know him in a “more than hanging out” friend way. Find out what he is really good at and prides himself in — computers, fixing plumbing, teaching piano lessons to kids, etc and ask for his help. Men and women (but especially men) become more confident and more expressive when they’re doing something that brings out the best in them.
The other thing you can do is next time he invites you out, suggest some fun outdoor activity where you can get closer to each other physically and playfully touch each other. Help him get used to “touching” you without fearing that he might be “misunderstood” … who knows you may might get the opportunity to get that long awaited kiss.
There’s a pretty high chance that you can start something with him that is more than just hanging out or a friendship. Even if he’s not interested in you like that, that’s just life. Okay, things may get a little awkward for a while but life goes on.
Don’t let it go by without you!!!
I’d let things develop naturally, if you show him that you have feelings for him, you’ll scare him away.
Some truth there.
1) If a woman comes on too aggressively because she’s desperate, he’ll sure run. 2) If a guy is not really interested in a woman and just wants to have fun/get laid he’ll get scared. In my opinion, good for the woman!
But if he is already interested and has feelings for her, he won’t suddenly stop having those feelings because she showed that she’s interested. It actually makes him more interested. For things to “develop naturally” there has to be some positive feedback… 🙂
I was married for 11 years and recently divorced. I’m a bit rusty on the dating scene and come off as shy. Your advice to the women to send some positive signals just enough to give us guys the go ahead is excellent advice.
As-Salaam-Alaykum and now Bonjour! United Nations Love Summit??? LOL. I’m glad all can feel welcome here on my blog.
Very true, “rusty on the dating scene” is one other very likely explanation.
As-Salaam-Alaykum, I come in peace 🙂
Interesting discussion… I’m 34, shy guy. When I’m attracted to a woman I become shy and always end up becoming her friend. The more attracted I’m to her the more difficult it is for me to tell how I feel. My current girlfriend made the first move and I’m so glad she did. Many women pass up on great shy men because of some old fashioned concept that says women should never make the first move.
Keep on helping men and women understand each other and relate better. Our world needs more love now more than ever.
wa’ Alaykum As-Salaam, Gentle Soul 🙂
I agree we can all relate better and love more selflessly and deeply. I think that most of us know these truths in our souls, sometimes all we need is someone to confirm what we already know or to clarify what seems unclear because of all the external noise around us.
A lot of women get so angry so quickly if we approach them no matter how sensitively and thoughtfully we do it. It can be hard for a guy to make the move especially if he happens to be shy. I’m shy until a woman shows me she’s interested.
I find it sexy when a confident woman makes the first move. Easy women on the other hand come on sexually straight away. Unless she’s really hot and I just want get laid, I’ll generally say no thank you. I don’t do it to hurt women, I don’t like leading women on.