My Ex Thinks We’re Just Friends – Can I Still Get Him Back?

Question: My ex thinks we’re just friends – can I still get him back?

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago, we were together for 3 years. The first two months were hard for both of us but after many talks we agreed to being friends. We were good friends before dating and we both wanted to preserve the friendship. We talk every other day and get along quite well.

The problem is that I’ve not told him I still have feelings for him. He thinks we’re just friends and really makes an effort to be a good friend. I’ve been reading your articles on being friends with an ex and you recommend defining what “friends” means and be clear I still have feelings for him. I’m afraid that if I tell him I still have feelings for him, he’ll think I tricked him to begin with. I don’t know what to do. Thank you so much for your honest and direct approach.

Yangki’s Answer: It’s a tight spot you are in, and this is exactly why it’s important that you be honest with your feelings and what you’d hope right from the beginning. Being honest from the beginning that you want to be more than friends matters for both of you:

• For them, it gives clarity and allows them to make a real decision about whether being friends makes sense. When they understand that you still have feelings or would want more if things changed, they can decide if they’re able to show up in a way that won’t hurt you or create confusion.
• For you, it’s about self-respect and protecting yourself. Their reaction to you wanting more makes it less likely you’ll end up in a situation that keeps you holding onto hope without anything actually changing.

Without that honesty, the friendship might seem easy on the surface — but it’s built on mismatched expectations, which usually catches up with both people eventually.

Not being honest and telling him now carries more risk

The tough spot you are in is that your ex thinks they’re just friends and is making an effort to be a good friend. And you are right to be concerned that if you now tell him you still have feelings for him, and want to be more than friends, he might feel tricked.

But I’ll be honest with you. You have no other choice. Not telling him how you feel or that you hope that you can be more than friends doesn’t protect the situation; it just delays the moment where things become confusing or painfully end.

He may feel tricked, and that feeling would be understandable. But he may also appreciate the honesty. It gives him a clearer picture of what’s actually going on instead of continuing in a dynamic where the two of you are operating on different assumptions.

If you don’t say anything, the risk isn’t that things stay the same — the risk is that you get more emotionally invested while he stays in “friend” mode. And that gap is what usually ends up hurting the most.

Being honest will allow both of you to reset things in a way that’s real

Maybe that means redefining the friendship with clearer boundaries, or maybe it means stepping back from being friends. Either way, it prevents you from continuing in something that looks mutual on the surface but isn’t underneath.

Of course it’d be absolutely fantastic if he were to say he still has feelings for you too, but he might also just leave things open-ended — especiall if he doesnt want to lose the friendship.

That’s not a bad thing; it may actually, be a good thing because it allows th two of you to speak openly and honestly about how to move forward.

Let him know your friendship is very important to you but so is honesty. You’d not be a good friend if you weren’t completely honest with him. If the two of you agree that you still will remain friends, then be just friends.

For your own sake, and for the sake of your friendship, don’t use the “We’re just be friends” as excuse to be close to him. You will end up with nothing, not even a friendship. More importantly, you will have wasted time and energy that you would be putting into developing a new relationship with someone new.

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