How Do I Get Back My Anxious Attachment Ex? (Advice Please)

Question: How Do I Get Back My Anxious Attachment Ex?

I’m looking for advice on how to get an anxious attachment ex back. She asked for no contact and I respected her wish and didn’t reach out. After 10 days of no contact she reached out. This was the longest we’ve gone without any contact and it felt awful. She told me she missed me and I told her I missed her too. Since we’ve been texting every day. I’m a fearful avoidant leaning anxious myself and at first it was nice having that much contact but it’s started to feel too much making me want space.

I’m working on becoming secure and not deactivate when I feel overwhelmed but don’t know what to do when she texts everyday. If I don’t respond right away, she and she get very anxious. One time she sent me 8 text messages asking why I was leaving her messages on read and ignoring her. She also said she’s over me and to forget about her. When I replied and said I was with a client (I’m a lawyer), she apologized and said she loved me and said she was over me because she thought I was ignoring her.

I read in your articles that people with an anxious attachment style need lots of  reassurance and validation to feel safe. I don’t know what to say to her to reassure her. I want to try to make this work and need your advice, please!

Yangki’s Answer:  I appreciate your question. I don’t get many questions asking how to get an anxious attachment ex back.

I’m sure you already know what an anxious attachment is, how it’s formed and how they respond to breakups. But just a quick recap: One of core beliefs of people with an anxious attachment style is that people don’t want to be with them. This comes from early experiences where connection felt inconsistent, uncertain, or something they had to work for rather than something that was stable and given.

Over time, they internalize the idea that they can be left, replaced, or not prioritized, even if there’s no clear reason in the present.

This is why when you don’t respond, their mind automatically goes to they’re pulling away, they lost interest, they don’t really want to be with me. Even when you’re responding, they’re afraid that they’re being led on, have been friendzoned or an ex is just being polite.

They overanalyze every text looking for signs that someone is pulling away, they’re being replaced, or not prioritized, and this is what leads to their self-sabotage where they react to a reality that doesn’t really exist.

When you don’t text back quick enough or don’t respond at all, they assume their worst fear that someone doesn’t love them is being confirmed. This is why it’s important to frequently reassure an ex with an anxious attachment that you want them back, have not lost interest and are not leaving.

The best way to approach an anxious attachment style is to ask what they need to feel safe. You can say, “What can I do to make you feel secure or loved?”, then try to do it. I say “try” because most of the time you will feel that what they need to feel loved is way more than you can do without feeling overwhelmed and want space. Even individuals with a secure attachment sometimes find an anxious attachment’s need for closeness “too much” and their emotional reactions difficult to deal with. So be patient with yourself if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and needing space.

Try as much as you can not to deactivate and make an anxious attachment insecure and anxious, but if you need to:

• Communicate what’s going on and let them you need some space and time
• Specify how long you’ll be away from connection
• Reassure them that it doesn’t mean you stopped loving them or are pulling away
• Let them know that you will reach out after the specified period of time.

The goal is to genuinely try to be reassuring and validating and make someone with an anxious attachment feel secure and loved but without giving up too much of your independence and autonomy.

When you ask, “What can I do to make you feel secure or loved?” make sure you are clear about what they mean because individuals with an anxious attachment style have a tendency to be vague and imprecise about their needs.  Most are afraid that if they’re honest about their needs, they’ll end up pushing someone away (their past experiences have proven that’s the case).

Make a habit of repeating to them what you think they meant so they can hear it the way you hear it. Once you are clear about what they want and need to feel safe, decide what you can do and what you can’t. It’s important that you set clear boundaries and communicate them clearly.

Many people with an anxious attachment don’t know how to respect boundaries, and can become “creative” (manipulative) to get their way, so make sure you are firm on your boundaries for space and time.

For example you can say, “I’ll respond to your texts within 5 minutes when I am able to, and when I am not, I’ll text to let you know I received your text and will respond as soon as I can. Will this show you that I am not ignoring you or being disrespectful (or whatever they said not responding makes they feel)?”

If they say it does, add “I want a healthy relationship where we both respect each other’s boundaries. So if you send me several texts before I have had the chance to respond, I’ll not respond at all.”

This way you give an anxious attachment ex the reassurance you’re always there for them and also communicate clear boundaries and the consequences of violating those boundaries.

It’s important that you come from a place of love and genuinely trying to provide safety and security and not anger or resentment. The good news is that exes with an anxious attachment are the most likely to come back if they’re made to feel loved and wanted.

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