Many of you reading my blog may have noticed that the most common theme in all my articles is “emotional connection”. Without emotional connection, your efforts to contact and communicate with your ex are pretty much useless.
You may even find that you are in regular contact, but it feels like your ex is just being polite; something is missing. You suspect it’s “emotional connection”, but you don’t know what “emotional connection” is, or how to go about creating it.
I have spoken to many clients who tell me they are following my advice about “emotionally connecting”, but it turns out that they are not “emotionally connecting”. Most are sharing links to common interests or what they think their ex might like, but that’s all they are doing. Others are talking about topics and asking questions that their ex has no interest having a conversation about. And some are trying to be “positive and cheerful” with an ex who is angry because they feel wronged in some way. The there is the anxious and needy who can’t be present because they are always thinking “how is my ex feeling about me” and/or reading interest signals that aren’t there.
So, what do I mean by “emotional connection?”
Emotional connection is the feeling that the two of you feel the same emotion at the same time.
It is more than “empathy” where you “relate” to the feeling the other person is feeling. Emotional connection is ACTUALLY FEELING the feeling/emotion the other person is feeling.
For example, if they are happy, you feel happy too. Not feel “happy for them”, but genuinely feel their happiness. If they are sad, you feel their sadness and you are sad too.
The connection happens when the other person feels that you feel what they feel. You are “connected” by an “emotion” (or set of emotions).
If they don’t feel that you feel that they are feeling, you are not emotionally connecting. It’s as simple as that.
Note: I used “feeling” and that’s because emotions what someone felt yesterday or even a few hours ago can be very different from what they feel now. That’s why the ability to “tune in” to other people’s emotions is a very important relationships skill.
So… feeling what the other person is feeling.
Here is an example many of you may relate to. You contact your ex and they seem upset about something. Many people who are “me-minded”, emotionally immature or timid will automatically assume it’s about them and conclude that their ex wants “space”.
The more emotionally-aware person will ask to try to understand the source of their ex’s upset. But where they fall short is upon hearing it’s not about them (it’s about something at work for example), they will try to reassure their ex that everything is going to be okay. Nothing wrong with that. But it’s not emotional connection. That’s called “emotional support” or being emotionally supportive or empathetic.
Other people will try to change their ex’s mood (feelings) with humour or a story of a time when they were upset etc. Again, that’s good, but it’s not emotional connection.
In fact, trying to change or distract someone from feeling what they feel often creates emotional disconnection. Your intentions may be good, but because they do not feel that you ACTUALLY FEEL what they feel, they will not feel that you are “connected” by the “emotion” they feel.
If you are not connected” by an “emotion”(or set of emotions), you are not emotionally connecting.