How Do I Attract Back An Ex Who Lost Feelings?

Relationships start with a feeling, are sustained by feelings and end because of how one or both people feel.

If you can’t get this very basic fact, you might as well say goodbye to relationships or the ex you’re trying to get back. Not only are you wasting your time, energy and money, but trying to convince the other person to stay in the relationship or come back to a relationship that makes them feel bad about themselves is courting misery.

So before you even think of asking someone to stay or come back to the relationship, ask yourself: How do I make him/her feel about him/herself?

The goal for asking this question is not to make you feel bad about yourself for not being able to make someone feel good about him/herself. The goal is to clearly identify the reasons the relationship is not working or did not work, and come up with a plan for the targeted changes you need to make in order to make the other person once again feel the same way, or even better about having you as a date, partner or spouse.

If you blindly make changes because that’s what someone on the internet says it’s what you need to do, you may find that whatever changes you’re making are not good enough because they do not necessarily address how the other person is feeling.  It may be helpful to someone else, but not useful to your particular situation. It’s like taking medication for a headache to treat a stomach ache. Duh! What do you expect!

Narrowing down the changes you need to make will make re-igniting the sparks of your relationship or getting back your ex much faster.

What has changed over time?

  • Has your physical appearance changed?
  • Did you settle to routine?
  • Did you get so busy that the relationship was no longer a priority?
  • Did you give up on trying to be the best you can be? etc.

If for example your physical appearance changed over the cause of time, the person may lose that initial feeling because of the way being intimate with someone of your physical appearance makes them feel about themselves. It may make them feel like a loser who can’t find someone “better” or it may make them feel like they’re settling or even make them feel they’re not important enough for you to want to make effort to look good for them.

It may also be that you fight a lot or never communicate and this makes your partner feel frustrated and unhappy. May be the relationship feels stressful and the other person can’t relax or be him/herself around you. Or may be you failed miserably on keeping the romance alive and the other person felt they were “missing” out on something or giving up something. Feeling that they are missing out or giving up on something made them feel bad about themselves and their lives, and consequently the relationship. The worse they felt about themselves, the more they wanted out.

May be the person was initially attracted to your “potential” (or illusion of it) and slowly came to the realization that the future might not be what they imagined it to be. May be you aren’t moving up the “success” ladder, lost your job or are going nowhere fast. The other person may be feeling that being intimate with someone who is not financially secure, has no job or whom they believe is “lazy” makes them less than who they believe themselves to be. Every time you try to be intimate, it reminds them that they must be losers for being intimate with a “loser.”

It’s all about how the feel about themselves. For example, someone who has not made a strong association between financial success and being a loser (or understands the circumstances) may not necessarily feel bad about themselves for being intimate with someone who is not financially secure, has no job or isn’t doing much to improve their circumstances.

Since change is a lifelong process and feelings keep changing, it may take a while for someone to see the changes that may not be as important to them or be convinced that the changes are real. A couple of targeted changes can have a much bigger impact on how someone feels about you than whatever sticks type of changes.

It’s important to remember that all relationships change. It’s the natural flow of life. Some relationships get better, some get worse and others die a natural death. But you’ll never know if yours died a natural death if you did nothing to try to keep it alive. If you have no more desire to keep it alive, then let it die. Move on.

But if your desire is to keep your relationship alive, then care about how your words, actions, behaviours and attitude make the other person feel about him or herself. Don’t think that you can yell at someone, insult and demean them, harass them, disconnect all contact and ignore them, treat them like an enemy and expect them to want to be with you. Some people may temporally draw closer because they desperately want to feel good about themselves (not feel rejected, not valued, ignored, unattractive, unwanted etc) but they will leave again because they can’t forgive or forget how you made them feel.

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8 Comments

  • My ex and I had some form of contact but I followed the wrong advice and did not initiate contact. She also did not initiate. I found your site and realized what I was doing was pulling us further apart. I have since contacted her 3 times, she has responded all the 3 times, the first one she responded the next day, the second after 8 hours and the third after 2 hours. Is this considered progress?

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    • I don’t usually advice putting too much weight on how soon an ex responds. There are so many other factors in the mix other than just how your ex feels about you, e.g. mode of contact, content of contact, how busy/not busy your ex is, things that have nothing to do with you etc. In this case however, it may be a positive sign that her response time is changing.

      That said, don’t rely solely on response time. Look more at the level of emotional engagement. That’s a better indicator of how she feels about talking to you. It may not necessarily be an indicator that she wants you back, but emotional engagement means she wants to keep the lines of communication open, which is always a good thing.

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  • My ex said I made him feel like he was not a good person because I complained that he is being a good boyfriend. I know I should not have done that and have told him I am sorry. He says he still loves me but his self-esteem right now is very damaged and he does not think he can give me what I want. I read your advice and we are in contact. He responds and sometimes initiates contact but I feel like he is holding back.

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    • He is holding back because he does not see what will be different if he opens himself up to you, again.

      Just saying I am sorry, isn’t enough. He needs to know 1) you really UNDERSTAND why and how your actions caused damage to his self-esteem, 2) you have CHANGED, 3) it’s emotionally SAFE to open himself to you.

      Anything less, will not get him back even if he still loves you.

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  • I broke up with my ex because things were not good in the relationship. He immediately instituted no contact for 2 months. Last week he contacted me and I responded because I thought that time would have changed things. But after only four texts, I realized he is still the same guy…. he has not learned anything from the breakup, changed anything and doesn’t care about my needs. I’m done…. moving on.

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  • I don’t know what to do. My ex is mad at me because I told him I moved on. We’ve been in contact for sometime but every time I ask him if we can be together again, he said he doesn’t know. So last week I wrote him a long email telling him I was moving on. He has not replied. I feel like it is my fault because I really don’t want to move on and only said that to see how he would respond. What do I do now?

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    • I don’t see anything odd with your ex not replying to your email. How does one respond to an email saying “hey, I’m moving on”?

      I think that you set your own trap and got caught in it. The fact that he said he “doesn’t know” means that he hadn’t completely dismissed the idea that you might get back together. He just at the time wasn’t sure of anything.

      Either you just accept you messed this up and move on, lesson learned. Or give it a week and then contact him again casually and see if he responds. Alternatively, you could just swallow your pride and admit to him what you did.

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