Question: I read your article “How To Spot A Good Woman” but have found it hard to find or attract one. That’s not because I think that there are no good women out there, but because in my experience good women are hard to find here in Seattle. I’ve never really been good with women. I’m not terrible at it either. I can go to a club and easily get women’s phone numbers and even go out on dates with the woman and more. But at some point I lose interest because they’re just not the kind of women I’m looking for to settle down with. On the other hand, my friends and co-workers have on several occasions set me up on blind dates with women they know. Some of them I’ve been very attracted to and want to see again but they never want to see me again. What am I doing wrong and what do I need to do to correct it?
Yangki’s Answer: First of all, I’m saddened by your experience. You sound like a good guy yourself and deserve a good woman.
I think that your problem is not so much that you can’t attract a good woman, but that you are trying to “attract women”. It’s like a hunter who goes to the wildness to shoot animals. There’s plenty of them out there, so he thinks to himself, “I’ll go shoot animals, and just may be I’ll shoot the one I really want. That might be fun (for a while) but in the end he ends up shooting none or shooting the ones he can’t take home because they were just random prey.
Another hunter, does the same but instead of just going to “shoot animals”, he has his mind on a particular animal he wants to take home. He studies it’s habits, and tracks it carefully for days. When he thinks he’s ready, he takes a deep breath, targets and shoots. He knows he may or may not get it in the first shot, but he is confident he has a good chance because he knows “his” unique target well enough. It’s that confidence that makes his hand steady and his aim precise. No wavering, no second-guessing and no cowardice.
Like most men, you may be relying on “attract women” and “what women want” advice, routines and strategies and are frustrated because what you’re doing to “attract women” isn’t attracting “the woman” you want, and what you’ve been told “women want” isn’t what “she” wants. It’s the hunter shooting at random “animals” just because he can and because someone told him this is how to shoot animals.
My advice for you is very simple:
1) Never assume you know anything at all about women. Dating is a whole different adventure when you get into it with a curious and open mind than when you’re trying to fit reality into a theory in your head. Treat every woman as an individual with her own likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses.
2) Study WHAT the kind of woman you want would like doing and WHERE she’d most likely hang out. They say you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep — and the company they avoid. You may have already figured this out for yourself, clubs are probably not the best place to be trying to meet the kind of woman you’re looking for.
3) Take time to get to know YOUR woman, so you can love her the way she wants to be loved. It’s human nature to want to be “special”, if you’re loving a woman like “women want”, you’ve completely missed what LOVING A WOMAN is really about. Not every woman wants the same things and not every woman responds in the same exact way.
My advice is probably not the techniques and strategies you were hoping for, but there it is… basic, simple and it works.
We Africans have a saying: “The woman you marry, determines the kind of death you die“. In other words, the woman you marry can be your own little piece of heaven on earth or she could be your experience of hell while still alive.