Can You Love Someone But Not Want to Be With Them?

Is it possible for someone to love you and not want to be with you?

Yes, it is possible for someone to love you and not want to be with you. It is also possible for two people to still love each other very much but not be together. It is actually more normal to still love your ex even after you break-up with them, or after they break-up with you.

Just because a relationship ends does not always mean love stops as well. The difference is that love is something that happens to us. Most of the time, we don’t choose or control when we fall in love, who we fall in love with and how we fall in love. It just creeps on us and we’re in love.

Most of us can’t even accurately describe it or how it happened. All we know is that it’s something more powerful than us. Something we can’t turn on and off like a switch.

A relationship is another story. We consciously choose who we want to be in a relationship with. It’s a rational practical decision we make based on compatibility (i.e. similar interests, dreams, beliefs, values etc.), communication, connection, trust, support, respect, sense of fun, attractiveness (physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial etc); a decision we control 100%.

When a relationship ends, it’s sometimes because one or both people don’t feel one or some of the above isn’t working for them. It does not mean that they stopped loving each other, it just means that one person stopped “feeling” like they want to be in a relationship. Emphasis here is “feeling”.

Most relationships however end because the relationship part is not working for one or both people. Two people who love each other very much just can’t be together in a relationship. If the reason or the reasons the relationship is not working can be resolved, the relationship can work.

Where the pull of love is very strong, two people can break-up and get back together several times, or at least until one person decides to let the other go or until they have completely made it impossible to be together.

It’s with this understanding that I am against “no contact” in situations where love still exists and it’s just the relationship part that isn’t working. Instead of working on why it’s not working, people using “no contact” are trying to “switch off” love as well. No wonder they struggle. But that’s not the worst part. In forcefully trying to “switch off” love, they are failing to learn how to “let love be”. Over time their default way of loving is “forcing” love to happen or wanting to control how they are loved. They never really get to know what it feels like to be loved on love’s own terms.

When we let love be, it’s a beautiful thing, and very empowering. It’s my hope and deepest desire for others to  experience what it feels like when you don’t have to struggle to love or be loved. It’s what keeps me writing articles and writing some more….

You might also be interested in understanding how different attachment styles affect how we act in relationships.

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