How Can I Make My Fearful Avoidant Ex Feel Less Pressured?

Reconnecting with a fearful avoidant who feels pressured, overwhelmed or doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to engage is a struggle. You can’t simply say here’s “no pressure” to respond or “don’t “feel pressured” if you need space. For people who easily feel overwhelmed, saying “no pressure” is likely to be perceived as pressure. It’s like “Now that you say it, I feel pressured.”

Giving a fearful avoidant space instead of trying to tell them there’s no pressure will no doubt make them feel less pressured or overwhelmed but a fearful avoidant attachment is hard to predict. They may feel less overwhelmed because you’re “giving them space” or them may think you’re pulling away or moving on and get overwhelmed with anxiety.

And if you take the attitude “I don’t want you to be overwhelmed, so I’ll just leave you alone to deal with whatever is going on with you.” That may be interpreted as “When I need you to be consistent to feel safe, you’re unavailable and unresponsive. I thought you were different”.

On the other hand, if you try to give them the support you think they need, they may perceive it as you being intrusive or adding pressure when they’re already emotionally overloaded. Instead of feeling cared for, they feel pressured to respond, to open up, or to engage when they simply can’t.

So how can you make your fearful avoidant ex feel less pressured?

1. Listen to what they say is pressure or is overwhelming them

Some fearful avoidants exes will tell you exactly what makes them feel pressured, overwhelms them, makes them anxious or makes them want to pull away. If they open up about why they feel pressure or overwhelmed, listen to what they’re saying. Don’t try to argue, fix, rationalize, or talk them out of their feelings. Just take the information in and adjust your approach accordingly.

2. Stop doing the things they’re asking you to stop doing

If they want you to stop contacting them too much, stop contacting them too much. Don’t completely stop reaching out because them wanting less contact feels like rejection. The asked for “less” not “none.”

And if they want you to stop bringing up the relationship or break-up, stop bringing it up. If they want you to stop asking if you’re bothering them (seeking reassurance), stop asking if you’re bothering or if they want you to stop contacting them etc.

3. Ask questions to try to understand what makes them feel pressured or overwhelmed

If they’re open to talking about what’s going on in their lives, or what they need to see happen in order for them to feel safe talking to you or coming back, ask questions to try to understand what makes your fearful avoidant ex feel pressured or overwhelmed. Don’t always assume a fearful avoidant ex wants space, wants you to contact them less or wants to be left alone.

People who make general assumptions about what another person needs are not genuinely trying to know them as an individual or know their needs, let alone what makes them feel safe. As a coach, I can make general assumptions about exes based on my professional experience, but you can’t afford to do that if you are trying to get your ex back, especially a fearful avoidant ex who is hard to predict.

4. Look for patterns in their behaviours

When working with my clients, we together try to look for patterns in their fearful avoidant ex’s behaviours rather than isolated actions or behaviours. Understanding their fearful avoidant pattern helps you see that they’re not avoiding connection, they’re only avoiding what overwhelms them.

For example, a fearful avoidant ex can be comfortable and feel safe with:

• You contacting them every x number of days – BUT feel overwhelmed if you reach out everyday. They can also be comfortable with x number of text exchanges everyday but feel overwhelmed if you try to push for more connection than they’re ready for or comfortable with.
• Short conversations – BUT feel overwhelmed when you try to engage in lengthy conversations or ask personal questions.
• Texting or talking everyday – BUT feel overwhelmed when you bring up the relationship, break-up or getting back together, or even anything that triggers negative emotions or anxiety in them.
• Reaching out every once in a while – BUT feel pressured and overwhelmed when you ask that they step up and reach out more, or complain that you’re doing most of the work of keeping the lines of communication open, or trying to make the relationship work.
• Taking things slow – BUT feel pressured and overwhelmed when you show that you’re impatient that things are moving too slow or taking too long.
• Being friends and let getting back together happen organically – BUT feel pressured and overwhelmed when you act like you’re in a relationship or like they said that they want to come back.

When the overwhelm goes down, their capacity for closeness naturally goes up. They become more open, more responsive, and more willing to engage because they no longer feel like they’re bracing for emotional impact. In a calmer internal state, connection feels safer — and so do you.

RELATED:

Avoidants Reconnect Faster When Contact Feels Like A Choice

What Makes A Fearful Avoidant Ex Feel Overwhelmed?

Stop Sending Your Avoidant Ex These Mixed Messages