How Being More Assertive Takes Pressure Off Avoidants

One thing I often hear from people in a relationship or reconnecting with an avoidant is that their avoidant partners or exes tell them:

• “You always just go along with whatever I want.”
• “I feel like your hiding your true feelings.”
• “I feel like the relationship is unbalanced.”
• “You need to tell me what you actually want.”
• “Don’t just agree with me.”
• “I don’t want you to always give in to me.”

Or even: “I want you to push back sometimes”.

At first, this can seem confusing. If someone is avoidant and values independence, wouldn’t they prefer a partner who is easygoing, accommodating and doesn’t make demands?

Not necessarily.

In fact, avoidants actually feel more comfortable in a relationship when their partner has their own opinions, preferences, boundaries and direction. And this is particularly important when an avoidant has become aware that their partner has been accommodating them too much or has pulled back too much that the relationship feels unbalanced.

They don’t want to feel responsible for someone else

Avoidants value autonomy so strongly that they don’t want to feel responsible for someone else.

To them that is emotional work that can easily be avoided their partner makes their own choices, has their own preferences, opinions and takes responsibility for their own feelings and emotions.

To you, you may be thinking you’re making the relationship safe or easy by giving in, avoiding disagreements and letting them have things their way. And initially it can seem easy because there is less disagreement and less conflict, but over time, an avoidant starts wondering: “Do I really know this person?”

They know what you will accept, but they may not know what you actually want. And this can create a challenge for an attachment style that places a high value on autonomy and finds being overly dependent on them emotionally demanding.

They may get what they want and their way, but there isn’t enough of a separate person on the other side of the relationship to allow for the independence, difference and space they need to feel comfortable within a close relationship.

They start to feel suffocated because everything feels centred around them and they feel responsible for another person’s experience and life, which makes the relationship feel unbalanced.

They aren’t asking you to become pushy

They’re not necessarily saying:

• “Push me harder.”
• “Argue with me more.”
• “Stop giving me space.”

There is a difference between being assertive and being forceful. Assertiveness means being able to express what you think, want or need without trying to overpower the other person or force them to agree with you.

What they’re often asking for something much simpler:

• “I want to know what you actually think and want.”
• “I want to know you are into this as much as I am.”
• “I want to know that there is a separate person and not just one in this connection/relationship.”
• “I want to know you can take care of your own emotions.”
• “I want to know you this connection/relationship is safe for me to invest in.”

To an avoidant, these things are crucial because it tells them the connection is safe, they’ll not regret emotionally investing in you or end up getting hurt.

But even more importantly, it tells them that you have your own sense of self, and that you can take care of yourself and they’re not required to give up their autonomy.

Being more assertive reduces relational uncertainty

Avoidants have limited capacity for relational uncertainty because they find it uncomfortable when they don’t know what is expected of them or what a situation requires from them.

For example:

If you say you’re fine when you’re not, they may genuinely believe you’re fine. And even when they know you are not fine, they may not want to get pulled into trying to figure out what is wrong or managing emotions that have not been clearly communicated.

If you agree when you disagree, they don’t get to know your actual perspective. They have to guess what you really think, or may assume that you genuinely agree with them.

If you always accept whatever they offer, they assume that arrangement works for you. They have no reason to think that you actually want something different, which creates an imbalance.

And when avoidants don’t know what to expect or what to do, they pull back.

But when you show up more assertive and self-directed, you remove some of the relational uncertainty because you give them clear information about who you are and how you operate in the relationship.

They may not always like what you say or do, but they know where you stand, and that makes the relationship easier to navigate.

Being more assertive takes pressure off an avoidant

This might seem counterintuitive. You might think that being more assertive will make an avoidant feel more pressured, but healthy assertiveness is different from overwhelming someone with demands.

The difference is in timing, frequency, tone and context.

Being assertive doesn’t mean constantly bringing up what you need, demanding immediate answers or turning every disagreement into a serious conversation. It means being able to communicate what you want when it is relevant, and in a way that someone else doesn’t have to guess what you want or deal with an emotional reaction that they feel they have to manage.

When you communicate this way, it can actually make the relationship feel easier for an avoidant, not because you are asking for less, but because you are communicating in a way that doesn’t feel emotionally demanding.

They can say what they want. You can say what you want. Then you can work out what makes sense for both of you.

This is a very different dynamic from one person is constantly accommodating the other and then eventually becoming frustrated.

Avoidant respect you more when you show up assertively

Assertiveness shows an avoidant that you are a separate person who can hold your own within the relationship.

You can think for yourself, make your own choices and they don’t have to guess who you really are beneath all the accommodation, take responsibility for your emotional wellbeing or worry that your agreement is simply an attempt to keep them from pulling away.

This earns their respect because it allows them to exercise their independence without:

• Feeling that your sacrifices create an obligation and an unspoken debt because you are giving up so much.
• Feeling that they have to take care of your well being or worrying about what it will cost them in terms of your emotional reaction and them managing the aftermath.

The message you send is:“I care about you, but I am an equal partner in this dynamic.”

This is especially important during reconnection

After the breakup, many anxiously attached people become highly focused on preserving the connection or getting their avoidant ex back.

This often leads to excessive accommodation.

• “If I say no, they’ll pull away.”
• “If I ask for too much, they’ll leave.”
• “If I disagree, we’ll argue.”
• “It’s easier just to go along with it.”

Over time, this recreates the same dynamic that contributed to the relationship becoming unhealthy in the first place. You may get the connection back, but you haven’t necessarily created a healthier way of relating within it.

And even more importantly, neither person gets to practise being in a relationship where both people’s needs matter.

This is one of the things I have a problem with in traditional approaches to getting an ex back.

Exes are to either demand, pressure and manipulate until you get what you want, or suppress your own needs, give in and let the avoidant have things their way.

Neither approach teaches you how to be in a relationship with an avoidant while remaining connected to yourself.

This is what makes secure-based reconnection so important. You’re not simply trying to get an ex back. You’re practising a different way of being in the relationship where both of you have a voice in the relationship.

There is just something different about being loved by someone who chooses you while remaining fully themselves compared with being loved by someone who continually adjusts themselves around you.

The first creates partnership. The second can eventually create imbalance.

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