How Avoidants Really Feel About Past Memories (Good And Bad)

Revisiting a good memory of an amazing time, specific activity or place with an ex can remind them of the good times, stir nostalgia and create an instant emotional connection. But does nostalgia and reminiscing have the same effect on an avoidant ex?

Avoidants find little comfort in revisiting the past

The few published studies on avoidant attachment and nostalgia show that reminiscing has the opposite effect on both fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants. Somehow a memory of being close seems to trigger avoidants’ fear of intimacy and closeness.

Well-known and respected researcher and assistant professor of psychology Rutgers University–Camden Andrew Abeyta has been studying the effects of attachment-related avoidance and nostalgia and has found that nostalgia decreases avoidants intentions to connect with others. The study went further to say, “It can drive people with a history of avoidance further from relationships” mainly because negative events tend to be remembered in a more accurate fashion than positive events.

So if your ex is a dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant (leaning avoidant or dismissive), you might want to think twice before sending texting a nostalgic “I saw x… y and it reminded me of you/what you said/were talking about”. Constantly revisiting the past and sharing “good memories” may even be the reason your avoidant ex is keeping you at a distance and treats you with suspicion.

It doesn’t matter if the memory is positive, avoidants find little comfort in revisiting the past because of what they feel are negative experiences with relationships in general. If there were some good memories but the relationship ended on bad terms, or if the reason for the breakup is because a dismissive avoidant wanted you to change, talking about only the good memories can even make seem like the relationship hasn’t changed even if you have changed.

A fearful avoidant’s incoherent and disorganized recollection of events

Fearful avoidants because of their anxious-avoidant attachment have such an intense fear of abandonment and/or being alone that even before the relationship ends, they start worrying and feeling anxious about being alone and can even start missing and longing for an ex before the relationship ends.

When you share a memory about an amazing time, specific activity or place, it amplifies a fearful avoidant loneliness and makes them feel even more lonely. Most fearful avoidants either lash out in anger, or don’t respond and/or dissociate because they don’t want to be reminded that the times you’re talking about no longer exist.

And because fearful avoidants tend to have their memories of the relationship and the breakup clouded by past traumas, they sometimes have an incoherent and disorganized recollection of the sequence of events or difficult conversations. And attempt to “remind them of the good times” may be met with confusion and incoherency. And this creates a whole set of issues. You remember things one way and they remember things another way. You’re texting about the good times; they’re thinking about all the bad things that happened during the relationship.

A reminder of the past or constant mentions of the good times

The lonelier a fearful avoidant ex feels the higher the risk of sharing a memory and trying to elicit nostalgia. Things can even be going fairly well, but a reminder of the past or constant mentions of the good times start upsetting a fearful avoidant. You get triggered because they’re not responding positively to your attempts to remind them of how great the relationship was when things were good, they get triggered by you trying to make it seem like everything was great, amazing and beautiful.

In my work, I’ve also found that rather than address their feelings of loss, abandonment and rejection, some fearful avoidant use social media to mess with an ex’s feelings and emotions especially on Instagram.

While most fearful avoidants just want an ex’s attention (and or trigger an ex to reach out), some fearful avoidants post songs, stories, quotes or memes that only mean something to the two of you, but when you respond they ignore you, stop watching your stories or use this as an opportunity to start an argument or fight. This passive aggressive behaviour in fearful avoidants is not just mind game playing to mess with your emotions and feelings, it’s also intended to hurt you back for making them feel abandoned and rejected.

A dismissive avoidant’s fragmented memory and forgetfulness

Most dismissive avoidants don’t remember the things that happened in a relationship because most of the time they’re emotionally disconnected from the experience. So when a dismissive avoidant and says to you “I don’t remember” specific relationship or breakup memories, they actually don’t  remember. You will be surprised to find that your dismissive avoidant ex doesn’t even remember who broke up with who. You think they broke up with you and they think you broke up with them.

And even when they remember some things, dismissive avoidants don’t want to revisit let alone talk about anything “emotional”, especially if it’s emotionally painful.

When you text a dismissive avoidant ex about the good times and they don’t respond at all or respond with something completely unrelated to the memory, it can feel like they changed the subject and naturally your anxious attached mind goes: “Oh, that’s convinient”, “It must be too painful for them or think about the good times” or “It must have made them miss me”, when the explanation is simply that a dismissive avoidant doesn’t remember the “emotional” time, activity or place you’re trying to remind them of. And may never remember because it’s too emotionally and mentally energy consuming.

Nostalgia decreases avoidants intentions to connect with others

Next time, you think of sharing a memory from the past to try to provoke avoidant nostalgia, think about the effect it will have on your avoidant ex. With all the advice about stages of nostalgia, phantom ex, begin longing for an ex after x months etc., it’s so easy to delude yourself into thinking that time has passed and all the negative memories associated with a breakup have faded leaving your nostalgic and curious about you, and start reminding them of all the good memories.

But if credible research shows that nostalgia decreases avoidants intentions to connect with others, and many others (and probably you too) have experienced avoidants not responding to nostalgic “this reminded me of…” texts, you might want to change your thinking and approach towards creating an emotional connection with your avoidant ex.

According to Abeyta, “It might be necessary to work on these avoidant tendencies first, before throwing nostalgia into the mix or find a different approach altogether”.

You have a better chance of getting an avoidant to respond and even reach out when you put more effort on being present in the here and now and creating meaningful conversations and new memories. I’ve found that when the tow of you are in a “good place” and have created better memories both in the way you communicate and the experiences you’ve shared, avoidants are more willing talk about the past (and even bring it up themselves) because the past is in the past, the present is so much better and the future is promising.

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