How Avoidant Ex Leaves The Door Open To Reconnect Later

Avoidants in general tend to use break-up strategies which minimize the possibility of a reconnection at a later time. These break-up strategies are consistent with avoidants’ tendency to avoid relational issues, use deactivating strategies when coping with emotions or relationships, maintain emotional distance from relationship partners by acting indifferently or unresponsively when caregiving is needed.

But avoidants have also been found to use other break-up strategies which leave the door open to reconnect and come back later on.

Researchers (Tara J. Collins, Omri Gillath 2012) conducted a study on break-up strategies, and how they affect break-up outcomes and found that people who use positive tone break-up strategies have an overall better outcome in terms of how it makes the dumped ex feel during the break-up and because positive tone break-up strategies allow for reconnection at a later time.

The use of positive tone break-up styles is particularly significant with avoidants because it decreases the current level of closeness without completely cutting off contact. This gives avoidants space to self-regulate but also keep the lines of communication open. For fearful avoidants, decreasing the current level of closeness without completely cutting off contact minimizes their fear of reaching out and not getting a response. For dismissive avoidants, decreasing the current level of closeness without completely cutting off contact helps them not completely detach from all emotions and feelings for you.

What are the signs that an avoidant is using (or used) positive tone strategies?

1. Show concern for an ex

They text or call just to check on you and see how you’re doing and want you to know they care about your well being.

2. Try to prevent ‘‘hard feelings’’

They say they do not regret the time spent together in the relationship and focus on the good that happened in the relationship.

3. Present the break-up as unwanted but necessary

They try to convince an ex that the break-up is in both parties’ interest.

4. Take responsibility for the break-up

They not only take responsibility for the break-up, but they also avoid blaming an ex at all costs.

5. Maintain contact

They maintain the same level of contact as before the break-up and in some cases there is increased contact following the break-up.

Positive tone strategies offer clues to an avoidant’s thinking at the time of the break-up and even signs an avoidant will want to come back at a later time. If an avoidant is leaving the door open to reconnect later, it means in an avoidant’s mind, the break-up may be temporary and not final.

An avoidant ex leaving the door open for a reconnection is a good sign

While it may seem cruel for someone breaking up with you to talk about how great a person you are, how much they appreciate your love and everything you did for them, and how much they learned from being in a relationship with you positive, but these positive tone break-up strategies may actually not be bad if they leave open the door for an avoidant re-entering a relationship later; and even increase the chances of an avoidant initiating a reconnection after they ended the relationship.

And as annoying as it is to get those random check-ins from a fearful avoidant ex that feel like low-effort contact, and platonic texts from a dismissive avoidant ex may not always be them eating their cake and having it too. The random check-ins may be an avoidant’s way of trying not to completely emotionally detach from all feelings for you. Once they emotionally detach from all emotions and feelings, most dismissive avoidants don’t come back.

However, when a positive tone strategy is used to try to make a partner feel guilty if they didn’t want to break-up, it can potentially make things less positive. Positive tone strategies can also offer false and sometimes lead to ‘on–off’ relationships.

Securing a backup plan for the future and the possibility to get back together

It’s not just the break-up strategies your avoidant ex is using that can potentially change the likely outcome of your break-up. Your own break-up strategies can minimize the possibility of a reconnection at a later time or allow for reconnection at a later time.

Here are some ways you can use a positive tone strategy to reconnect with with an avoidant.

• Do not rush thing to “like before”. Even if an avoidant is initiating contact, take thing slow and build connection back up slowly
• Try as much as possible to avoid talking about “feelings” or the old relationship right away.
• Don’t tell an avoidant you regret the time you spent together in the relationship
• Look at the break-up from an avoidant’s perspective (even though you don’t agree with the break-up or their reasons for breaking up)
• Take responsibility for the role you played in the break-up (only what you’re responsible for)
• Emphasize the good things gained from the relationship (e.g. growth, relationship skills etc.,).

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