Read THIS Only If You Feel Your Avoidant Ex Treated You Badly

Before you read further, I want to clarify two important points unpfront:

1. You’re not responsible for how someone treats you — but you are responsible for what you continue to tolerate.

So as you read this, keep in mind that: I’m not saying you caused how an avoidant treated you. I am saying that over time, what you accept, tolerate, or don’t address plays a role in whether that behaviour continues.

2. Avoidant behaviour is often about self-protection, not intentional harm

But they ways they protect themselves sometimes hurts others. And this goes both ways — anxious attachment behaviours can be just as overwhelming or hurtful to avoidants.

The point of this article isn’t to blame one attachment style over another. It’s to help you understand the patterns, take responsibility for your side of the dynamic, and learn how to respond in a way that protects your well-being — whether that means communicating clearly, setting boundaries, or walking away.

How you’re showing them you’ll tolerate the bad treatment

When someone repeatedly does things that hurt you or disrespect you, and you don’t set and reinforce boundaries (or walk away), you’re teaching them something: It’s okay to treat me that way. Just don’t leave me.

This is the message many anxiously attached and fearful avoidants — not just from avoidants, but from similar attachment styles too.

• Their fear of losing the connection or relationship makes them accept disrespect in exchange for feeling loved or wanted.
• They have weak or unclear boundaries that allow hurtful behaviours or unintentionally remove the consequences.

This is the biggest difference between securely attached and insecurely attached. A securely attached person doesn’t sit around wondering why they’re being treated badly — they act.

Here’s what that typically do:

• 1st time: They address it directly — “That didn’t feel good. Here’s why.”
• 2nd time: They set a boundary — “I don’t want that to happen again.”
• 3rd time: They reinforce the boundary (and raise consequences) — “If this keeps happening, I’m going to ….”
• 4th time: They leave

They were treated well growing up or learned to treat themselves well so they don’t accept or tolerate being treated badly.

Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re being treated badly

Like many anxiously attached you’ve probably normalized behaviour that is hurtful or disrespectful. It doesn’t automatically register to you as “wrong” because you’re focused on not losing the relationship.

I once worked with a client whose fearful avoidant partner regularly told her he didn’t find her attractive.

When she asked why he was with her, he’d say things like:

• “I picked the low-hanging fruit.”
• “You take good care of me.”
• “You keep chasing me and coming back.”
• “Now you think you’re special, huh?”

When I asked her why she tolerated that kind of treatment, she said the same thing I’ve heard so many times — in mnay different versions — from many anxiously attached clients: “He’s a fearful avoidant and doesn’t think he deserves love. I don’t want him to feel like everyone leaves him — that’s their attachment style’s biggest fear.”

On the surface, that sounds compassionate. But in reality, she was prioritizing his wounds over her own well-being — and accepting behaviour that was clearly harmful — whichever way you slice it.

And sometimes avoidants genuinely don’t realize they’re hurting you

Like I said earlier, the behaviour isn’t always intentional.

Some people — avoidant or not — grew up in environments where certain behaviours were normalized. What feels hurtful or disrespectful to you might feel ordinary, harmless, or even “just how people are” to them.

That means when they do something that hurts you, it’s not always coming from a place of malice. Sometimes, it’s simply a lack of awareness.

A Reddit user explained it like this:

“My family made fun of me all the time. I thought it was normal. It wasn’t until I met healthier people that I realized jokes aren’t supposed to make you feel bad.”

This is more common than people realize. If someone was raised in an environment where teasing, criticism, emotional distance, or inconsistency was the norm, they carry those patterns into relationships without questioning them.

That’s why communication is very important. Until you clearly express how something makes you feel, the other person may not even realize there’s a problem.

How they respond when you speak up shows you if they actually care

Many anxiously attached are surprised that when they communicate clearly without blame or criticism, avoidants responds with things like:

• “I’m sorry, I didn’t know it made you feel that way.”
• “Why didn’t you say something?”
• “That must have hurt… I feel bad.”

That’s because not every avoidant is trying to hurt you. If someone cares about you (even a little), they’ll make an effort to adjust once they understand the impact of their behavior.

If they don’t try to adjust or if nothing changes over time — that’s when it becomes your responsibility to decide what you will and won’t continue to accept.

Awareness is only the first step…

But like most anxiously attached, this is how far you.

• You express how you feel…
• The other person apologizes…
• …and then the behaviour repeats later.

Now you’re stuck. You either:

1. Keep bringing up how hurt you are and over time you start to come across as:

• “nagging”
• “controlling”
• “always complaining”

2. Keep quite and tolerate the behaviour and nothing actually changes.

So if you’re stuck thinking: “Why does my avoidant ex treat me so badly?”

Ask yourself: “Where did I allow this to continue?”

That’s not about blaming yourself, it’s about recognizing your power. Because if you don’t take responsibility for how you wanted to be treated, you can’t change your dymanic.

What you should do:

1. Identify the behaviours that hurt you

2. Decide how you want to be treated instead

3. Communicate that clearly

4. If it continues, set a boundary

5. If it keeps happening, enforce consequences — and follow through.

6. If nothing changes – for your sake, walk away.

And here’s the reality check every anxiously attached needs to hear

If you don’t set boundaries and reinforce them because you’re afraid of losing them… you’re likely going to lose them anyway.

Why? Because without boundaries, the relationship slowly erodes:

• You build resentment
• They lose respect (often without realizing it)
• The dynamic becomes unbalanced and unhealthy

So you end up losing the relationship and losing yourself within it.

Setting boundaries might risk the relationship ending — but not setting them guarantees that the relationship won’t be healthy or sustainable.

In other words: Boundaries don’t push the right person away — they reveal who’s not willing to meet you where you need to be met.

RELATED:

5 Things Avoidants Do That You Should NOT Tolerate

How You Lose Value With Avoidants – The Transactional Trap

How Avoidants React When You Set Secure Boundaries

How Anxiously Attached ARE Also Emotionally Unavailable