Here’s Why Avoidants Come Back To You After Rebounding

Question: Do avoidant exes come back after a rebound?

I reached out to my fearful avoidant after 3 months of no contact. She needed to heal from our relationship and wanted space. I asked if she was seeing anyone and she said that she had reconnected with someone from her past. They went out for 2 dates and then she met me and she swore they didn’t start seeing each other until 1.5 months after the breakup and that he reached out to her first. I asked if he was a rebound and she said, “Maybe, maybe not, time will tell”. I told her I still love her and miss her and she said she still loves me too. We have minimum contact but I’m worried that if I stop reaching out she’ll completely move on and forget about me, but at the same time I know that if I keep reaching out when she’s still with him, I’ll push her away.

I know my ex, it takes her a long time to fall in love. We were together almost 8 months before she told me she loved me, so I know she’s not in love with him. I also know that if she loved him, she would not be talking to me. My question is, do avoidant exes come back when the rebound relationship ends?

Yangki’s Answer: I’ll start by saying yes, avoidants come back after the rebound ends but for different reasons.

1. Familiarity plays a very important factor in avoidant returning to an ex

It’s easier for them to reconnect with someone they once had an attachment to than attach to someone new. They think they know who their ex is and what to expect, so there is less risk compared to dating someone completely new. This is probably why it was easy for her to start a relationship with this guy she’d been on 2 dates with. He was familiar territory.

The fact that she wanted you to know that she didn’t cheat on you is encouraging. It means that there is a part of her that wants you to know that she indeed loved you and also wants you to trust her. But she’s also right that only time will tell if this rebound will grow into a relationship or end like most rebounds do.

2. They start questioning the rebound relationship, and doubting their feelings

Avoidants in general tend to jump into a new relationship soon after a breakup as a coping mechanism and a distraction strategy, more common with fearful avoidants than dismissive avoidant who tend to detach from all feelings and numb out after a breakup. Once the excitement of a new relationships starts to fade and the rebound starts to show some of the same problems as all their other relationships, they start questioning the relationship, and doubting their feelings and compatibility with the rebound man or woman. This is the rebound comparison stage.

This is often the time when they reach out to an ex, increase contact, or even respond to an old text from an ex they’d ignored for weeks or months. They may also start frequenting an ex’s social media and/or reconnecting with people who know their ex and can give them an update on an ex’s relationship status. Some avoidants exes even go out of their way to run into an ex and pretend that it was an accidental as a way of reconnecting. They may feel too vulnerable directly reaching out and telling an ex that they made a mistake and want them back.

3. The rebound relationship showed them that the relationship with their ex wasn’t as bad

In some cases avoidants come back after rebounding because the rebound relationship showed them that the relationship with their ex wasn’t as bad as they thought it was, and that there were many good things and good memories worth going back to. And if an avoidant had been suppressing their feelings since after the breakup, the end of a rebound can bring back up all the suppressed feelings for an ex.

But avoidants also come back after rebounding for validation or ego, especially if the rebound man or woman was the one that ended the relationship. A fearful avoidant might feel discarded and come back after rebounding looking for validation that they’re good enough and someone can love them. Dismissive avoidants might come back after rebounding because they know an ex will gladly take them back, no questions asked, no demands made.

No guarantees an avoidant they will come back after a rebound and stay

But as reassuring as it is to know that avoidants come back after a rebound, there are no guarantees that they will come back and stay.

Sometimes, after a rebound ends, avoidants rebound with an ex. They leave the rebound to come back to you, and without realizing it, the roles reverse, and you become the rebound. Then they again leave you for the rebound.

And there are avoidants who come back after rebounding but keep the rebound as an options if things don’t work out, again.

In your case however, she is clearly rebounding and it’s very likely that she will come back or at least attempt to come back. This is based on the fact that:

• She still has feelings for you,
• Still wants contact even if it’s only to keep you as an option and
• Avoidants tend to return to familiar relationships.

A more important question than if avoidants come back after rebounding is, do you want an avoidant who rebounded back?

It’s easy to miss someone you still have feelings for and think that because you still love them and miss them, you should get back together. Use both your heart and head and ask yourself: Did they meet your relationship needs while you were together, and if not, are they capable of meeting them when you get back together? What has changed for you to reasonably expect that an avoidant can meet your needs?

If you can answer these questions and still feel confident and positive about your relationship, an avoidant in a rebound shouldn’t discourage you from hoping that there is still a a chance for you. This doesn’t mean you have to put your life on hold waiting for the rebound relationship to end, it just means that if you both find yourselves single again, you have a good chance you’ll end up together.

Live your life and keep working on becoming secure because you will be better positioned to offer your ex a different and improved relationship. At the end of the day, it’s not the end of a rebound relationship that’ll make an avoidant ex who still has feelings come back to you, it’s the value and attractiveness of what you offer. The rebound relationship may indeed end, but your avoidant ex may move on to someone else (not you)!

But if there are all signs that your ex’s rebound relationship is serious, and your ex is happy in the new relationship, then it’s time for you to move on too.

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