My Ex Asked For Space And I Didn’t Give It To Them (Help!)

Question: Help, my ex asked for space and I didn’t give it to her

Using the advice in your workbook, my ex and I got close again. We’re were seeing each other every day. Last week she said we were spending too much time together and she didn’t think it was healthy since we are not in a relationship. I agreed and told her I am happy meeting two times a week and she said she liked that. She’s complained before that I want too much of her time and did not respect her need for space. Tbh, I want to see her every day but came up with two days to make her feel comfortable I was respecting her wishes.

Yesterday was out ‘walk day” and as usual we had a great time. After our walk I became a bit needy. I sent her a text saying I miss her already and if she came over I would cook her dinner and we’d watch a movie afterwards. She did not reply. I later drove to her house and sent her a text saying I was outside and wanted to see her. No response. Today I received a text from her saying she enjoys our times together but it scares her when I don’t give her space. She has been distant the whole day replied to only 2 of 6 of my texts. How bad did I mess up?

Yangki’s Answer: You messed up quite a bit. Given how she responded to not being given space, it’s safe to conclude that your ex is some type of avoidant. That is important.

She specifically said you were spending too much time together and she didn’t think it was healthy since you are not in a relationship. That was her saying she felt “too close” and needed more space. She wasn’t saying she doesn’t want contact or that she doesn’t want to see you, she just needed “less closeness”.

But since she’s not completely cut you off (yet), you have an opportunity to correct course.

1. Send a short apology

Take responsibility for not respecting her need for space. The text has to be short; a sentence or two and that’s it. Dont over-apologize or over-explain or bring in other stuff that has nothing to do with you not respecting her need for space. These exactly the kind of things that mae an avoidant feel overwhelmed and pull even further away, even if your intentions are good.

2. Don’t disappear

It’s normal to sometimes to feel: “I messed up, I need to disappear for a while”. One: that’s fear talking. Two: it makes the mess up appear worse than it was because you are making a big deal of it. Three: it creates inconsistency where it’s ether too much closeness or none at all. Avoidants respond to that kind of inconsistency by keeping distance.

3. Don’t try to force the momentum you had

Her responding even if it’s not t the level of before is her trying to keep the connection alive while she self-regulates. It’s even possible that her being a little distant (albeit subconsciously) is her way of making sure that you stick to your promise of not needing too much of her time. She knows that as soon as she starts responding, you start pushing for more.

So keep to her pacing, match her energy, and give her time to recalibrate.

4. Stick to meeting two times a week

Of course this depends on whether she will be open to going back to how things were. But knowing avoidants, if they were willing to get tothe point of where you were seeing each other every day,itmeans they’re meotionally invested and would not want to completely lose the connection. And if they believe your apology is sincere, they will let the mess up slide this time.

5. If she is open to texting, but not meeting as before

This is what is likely to happen given what I know about avoidants. If she decides that even meeting two times a week feels like too much, do not argue about it. Ask her what is comfortable for her and try to work towards a middle ground that works for both of you.

It’s important that if she pulls back on spending time together that you do not replace the space with  “too much” texting or calls. Neediness is like an “addiction” of sorts in that when the “drug” of choice is taken away, it’s replaced by another equally addictive “drug”. So you have to watch that you don’t overdo on texting her.

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