My Avoidant Ex Doesn’t Want To Talk About The Break-Up

Question: My avoidant ex doesn’t want to talk about the break-up. 

I have been working on getting back together for over 4 months and thanks to your book and site, things were going really good up until about a week ago. It started when she said something and I said her recollections of what happened are not accurate memories of the relationship as a whole. She said she didn’t wanted to talk about the relationship or the break-up anymore.

It bothers me that she seems to only remember the problems we had but  gets angry when I bring up the breakup or counter her memories with the good times we had together. We have known each other for almost 4 years and had some really great times, it’s hard to forget stuff that you want to remember and keep with you. She also says we didn’t have problems we had differences. Honestly, I don’ know the difference or why that matters.

I admit, I may have pressured her too much because now she says she thinks it’s best if we stop trying to get back together because it will never work between us. She wants to be friends and that’s all. I worry that if I do not try to get her back and more time passes, she’ll move further and further away from me. I’d really appreciate your insights on my situation.

Yangki’s Answer: Talking about the old relationship would help identify and resolve those unresolved issues, but that doesn’t seem like an option since she does not want to talk about the past. She is an avoidant, and avoidant exes in general don’t want to talk about the break-up, and tend to focus on only the problems and went wrong in the relationship. Sometimes talking about the break-up reminds avoidants that even if they want things to work, there are still unresolved problems/issues that need to be resolved for the relationship to work, and it makes them feel hopeless and helpless.

My advice is stop bringing up the breakup or trying to force her to talk about it. For now, if she wants to be friends, that’s okay. If this gives you the opportunity to show her that your problems or differences can be overcome and the relationship can work, then being friends is just another step to getting back together.

I understand you don’t want to forget the good memories, but if the end result is her saying it’s best if you stop trying to get back together, it doesn’t make sense to keep talking about the good memories. If it means that much to you to keep the good memories alive, keep a journal, scrapbook or something. Maybe at some point in the future, she will be more open to sharing these memories with you.

On the differences between problems and differences. I think that when people talk about problems in a relationship, they’re talking about issues that keep repeating themselves, and probably over a period of time. When they talk about differences, they’re talking about how each person views, experiences, and responds/reacts to the problems in the relationship. Differences can also mean wanting different things,

I suspect that your avoidant ex prefers the word differences over problems because she sees your differences as challenges that she doesn’t think can be overcome and calling them problems is minimizing the seriousness of what the two of you are dealing with. I also suspect that talking about relationship “problem (s)” is stressful and even depressing because it brings up in an avoidant feelings and emotions they often do not want to feel or deal with.

Talking about differences of opinions, perspectives or experiences doesn’t involve a lot of “feeling” or emotions. It’s a more logical, rational and practical conversation which (if they are willing) is easier to have. They don’t have to talk about how they feel, just what they think.

My advice is, don’t sweat the small stuff. At the end of the day, it won’t make much difference because you get to ‘talk” about what they would have avoided talking about.

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