Have I Completely Ruined The Chance To Get Back My Ex?

Question: I’m writing to you because I’m worried that I’ve ruined any chance of getting my ex back. My ex broke up with me and for over a month we had no contact. When I contacted him he said being “just friends” is all we can be.  I had read in many articles that we can’t be friends with an ex, so I told him I loved him too much to be ‘just friends’. I could not pretend I didn’t have feelings for him. It’d be too hard for me because I wanted him as my boyfriend.

I didn’t contact him for 2 weeks. I bought your book and contacted him asking him what’s up. He replied right away. He responds to my texts but I feel that he’s guarded with me.  Do you think I ruined my chances with him or is there still hope for us?

Yangki’s Answer: I don’t know if you ruined your chances or not… what happens in the next few weeks/months will make it clear whether it’s really over or not.

It’d look silly for you to go back and apologize or say “let’s be just friends.” I personally advice my clients not to offer “friendship” mainly because the other person may not understand exactly what you’re saying or offering. But I also tell them when offered, accept it not as a “label” but as a “space” you can use to turn things around.

My advice is for you to stop worrying about him being guarded and work on getting him to let his guard down. He’s giving you “the space” to do that, and instead of being insecure about it or trying to control things, show him you’re a better person than the one he broke up with and for that reason he can expect a better relationship than the one the two of you had.

Remember: What you pay attention to, becomes your reality!

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  • Yangki, I was doing well, following the advice in your book and making progress, but in the weekend I drunk a little too much and in my state thought it was a good time to call my ex. Let’s just say it was a mistake. We have had many drunken arguments before but none since we broke up. I promised him that would change but after this last fight he says there’s no going back as there is too much bad history.

    What can I do to put things right again? I made so much progress and hate myself for drunk calling him.

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    • You’re already beating yourself up… no point in me hitting you too.

      “There’s no going back as there is too much bad history” says this is not about the drunk call. And the fact that you have had many drunken arguments tells me there may be a “drinking problem” that needs to be addressed before you try to actively get back together. As long as this is not dealt with, he can’t see how anything can change and will force himself to move on even though he may still have feelings for you.

      I suggest (if you haven’t done it) apologize. Short simple apology (as in the book). No explanations because that’ll seem like excuses. No promises because you already broke the promise you made.

      If he does not respond (which is likely), do not try to get a response. Give it a week and then start over from “hello!”. You’ve successfully done it before and even made progress, you can do it again.

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