In a comment to my article: Why Love Always, Always Comes Back, Kiren wrote: “I find this hard to believe, do they always come running back?”
I responded, “NO. They do not always come running back. Please read the last two paragraphs. Love comes always comes back, not your ex.”
The last two paragraphs of the article say:
“When you act in, with and from love, you set in motion a cause, the effect is the return of love. It may not be from the person you seek love from or in the limited way or time frame you think love should present itself, but love always, always comes back.
The surprise bonus! It may come back from your ex”.
After some thought. I decided it might help to write a little more than a response to a comment.
In our 140-character twitter world, not many people read beyond the title of a post anymore. I have people who leave comments asking about “how many days of ‘no contact’ before their ex starts missing them, in an article that says “no contact” when used to get back an ex is wrong, immature and manipulative. Beats the mind.
But it’s not just our attention span that’s a problem, our beliefs about love and relationships are a problem too. Whether we are aware of it or not, our beliefs influence the way we tell our break-up story, the way we deal with break-ups and break-up emotions, the way we heal and grow (or not) from the experience, and also the way we try to get back our ex.
Many of you reading this must have read so many other articles on the internet and books about getting back your ex, or even about love and relationships and seen how different “experts” frame their ideas and advice. Many get your ex back “experts” are (as someone put it) “militantly” for no contact, and a few of us are “militantly” against it.
I get asked by so many people, “Everyone recommends ‘no contact’, why are you the only one against it?”
The answer is simple. My beliefs about love and relationships are different from most experts, and most people. It’s the fact that I believe differently that inspired me to start this blog.
I do not believe that avoidance strategies (moving away from what you want) are a healthy way to approach relationships or be in one. Avoidance strategies encourage fear, promote building walls around oneself, and undermine emotional resilience. They may keep you safe from rejection or hurt, but avoidance strategies also keep you away from love and intimacy.
But more importantly, you can’t build emotional resilience when you are running away from the very experiences that help you build it. In my upcoming book, “It’s Just a Break-Up” I talk a lot about emotional resilience and why it’s so important to nurture and grow it if you want to keep love “in”‘.
Strategies that keep love out are the reason why phrases like “comes running back” used by many people including ‘experts’ makes me feel sad about the way many of us are approaching relationships or trying to be in one.
I personally think “running back” is not a “loving” thing to say of someone you say you love and want back. Dogs come “running back” to their masters. Co-dependent people come “running back” to their enablers. Desperate people come “running back” because no one else wants them. What does it say about your ex when they come “running back”? What does it say about you when you take back someone who comes “running back”?
Love doesn’t “run”. Love is steady, assured and takes it’s time. Many of us on the other hand aren’t that steady, assured or capable of allowing love to unfold naturally.