Can You Get Back Your Ex When You’re the Only One Trying?

Trying to get your ex back is hard enough. Trying to get your ex back when you are the only one initiating all the contacts, trying to come up with interesting topics to talk about, asking him/her out, and sometimes, the only one still IN love, is harder.

Is it even possible? The answer is yes.

While it takes two to make a relationship work, it can take just one to change how the relationship works.

How does that even work? It works when one person changes (in a positive direction), so much that the dynamics of the relationship change.

Just like 1+1 =2, but if you add 0.5 to one part of the equation, the result can never be 2 again. It’ll be 1.5+1=2.5.

Same thing. If one person changes but the other person doesn’t, the person who has changed can positively influence the dynamics of the relationship.

But in order for the relationship to work, three things need to be in place.

1) Love

We all have heard the phrase “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Usually the person saying these words is saying “I still have feelings for you and I care about you, I’m just not motivated/excited about/committed to being in a relationship with you.

What the person saying these words is not saying (at least not aloud) is that, I can be motivated/excited about/made to commit, under the right conditions. In other words that feeling of being IN love can come back.

Your task is to create the right conditions for the feelings of being IN love to come back. The “right” conditions is not about proving to your ex that you have changed, it’s about demonstrating to him/her that the relationship doesn’t have to work the way it did before (1.5+1=2.5).

That only goes only as far as “feeling in love” is concerned. If the love is completely gone, there is nothing you can do to make the relationship work — however much you want it and however hard you try.

2) Open lines of communication

It doesn’t matter how much love your ex feels for you, if there is NO communication, there is NO relationship. It’s as simple as that.

If there is no communication, there are also no opportunities for you to influence how the relationship works.

“Open” lines of communication means no backdoor tactics or trying to burst your way in. Manipulation and aggressive tactics undermine your efforts to positively change how the relationship works.

To learn more about how to use open lines of communication to change the dynamics of a relationship, please spend more time on my blog.

3) Change

The main reason why many men and women fail to get their ex back is that they say they’ve changed (and sometimes they indeed have changed on a personal level), but they haven’t changed in relation to the other person. A few texts, phone calls or dates, and their ex can see that nothing has changed.

There has to be a process (action), for change to happen. The process can be anything from committing oneself to a self-prescribed personal growth program to working with a professional.

Just like sitting on the couch thinking about how to lose weight doesn’t get the weight off, just sitting and thinking about all the mistakes you made and what needs to change (if your ex takes you back) doesn’t mean you’ve changed.

So YES, you can get back your ex even if you are the only one trying. BUT, you have to be willing to put in the work that positively changes how the relationship works.

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20 Comments

  • Long story short, me and my ex broke up 2 months 1 week ago. I didnt beg or ask her to come back. I maintained contact but kept it light and friendly. Neither of us brought up the breakup or the old relationship until last night. She started taking about how she respects me for the way I handled the breakup and didn’t overreact to the things she said were wrong with me. I told her she was right and I have been working to become a better me. We talked about some of our fond memories and at some point things got flirty and it was all happening spontaneously. It seems that we finally broke down the wall between us, but I don’t want to overthink it too much.

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    • I also respect you for the mature and grown up way you handled things… it seems to have paid off. All the signs are pointing towards “good”, but you are right not to overthink it.

      Whatever you’re doing seems to be working. All the very best… (:

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  • Yangki, my ex acts like everything is fine and nice when we’re together but when we text she is cold and completely distant. I have been trying to get her to spend more time with me so we can build on the momentum but she says it makes her feel pressured. What’s going on? Is it a case of immaturity? Btw, she’s 39, I am 37.

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    • In my experience, what is happening with your ex is a case of the heart says ‘yes’, but the head says ‘no’

      One possible reason for this is that she still has feelings for you but doesn’t think the relationship can work (may be she’s not seeing enough changes to convince her that things can be different).

      The other possible reason is that she’s trying to force herself to move on despite her feelings. When she’s with you, she feels good and likes it, but when you are not together her thoughts or influence of friends and relatives take over.

      The third reason, is she’s playing a mind game. I doubt it, but it’s possible.

      This article might help: How To Get Back An Ex Who’s Acting Hot And Cold

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  • Yangki, my ex and i have been seeing each other intermittenly since november, and more often the last month. He said doesnt know if getting back together is a good idea because he isnt sure if he sees us together forever. Is this a point where i should give up or do i still have a chance? Do you have any recommendations?

    Thank you!

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  • As painful as it is to realize, “if there’s no communication, there’s NO relationship.”
    I’ve been ignored for a month now, not even a simple response or text or email or acknowledgement of my existence.
    He said we could “meet next month” so he could explain why he dumped me without warning or conversation or discussion after 5 years.
    I’ve been keeping in touch, but obviously I’m blind to the fact that he has not once responded to anything I’ve said.

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  • Yangki you say in your book that if someone wants no contact you should tell them you will respect their wish and ask if at some point you can contact them. My ex after a month of contact says he “can’t be in a relationship right now”. I don’t wan to look desperate and ask him if I can contact him later but I also don’t want to give him the impression I am giving up on us. What do you suggest I do?

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    • He said he “can’t be in a relationship right now”, not “I don’t want contact”. Those are two very different things.

      What “can’t be in a relationship right now” means is that he is not ready right NOW. The keyword is “now”. It’s possible he still needs time to be on his own, or he thinks not much has changed to convince him to want to give the relationship another chance.

      If I were advising him, I’d tell him he’s right. A month of contact is NOT enough time to make a decision whether to get back together — or not.

      Instead of cutting off contact because he’s not ready, get him to the point where he’s ready. That’s what the Dating Your Ex eBook is for.

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