It’s so easy to jump into trying to get back together head first, especially if you have a tendency of spending too much time together right away. As soon as your ex responds to you initiating the first contact, you’re calling him/her and talking for hours. Next day you are sending him/her “I miss you” text, and within a week or two you’re asking him/her out and already planning a second date within the same week. Before you know it, you’re getting far ahead of your ex’s feelings for you and scaring your ex away.
To you things are going “well” because your ex is responding and open to talking for hours, and even wants to see you every day or wants to have sex with you, but to your ex, things are moving way too fast.
He/she knows that he/she enjoys talking to you and enjoys spending time with you but he/she still doesn’t know how he/she feels about you and doesn’t know if he/she wants to get back together.
Torn between what feels good right now and what’s right long term, your ex like most exes will eventually go with what’s right long term. That’s when they start pulling away — taking longer to respond or not responding at all, cancelling appointments, coming up with all sorts of reasons why they think the relationship can’t work, posting stuff on Facebook that is ambiguous but most likely directed towards you, etc.
You’d think that if things were moving too fast, your ex would tell you he/she wants to take it slow, but most exes don’t.
To avoid scaring your ex away because things are going too fast for him/her, you need to slow down your pace and take smaller steps. One of the things I recommend in my article: How to Take It Slow and Get Back Your Ex is not “actively try” to get back together for a certain period of time.
After talking to a couple of clients about slowing down in order to move further in the process, I realized that some readers may misunderstand what I meant by not trying to “actively” get back together. One reader asked in the comments section if it meant “give him/her his/her space” and not contact him/her for a while.
Not “actively” trying to get back together means setting aside all attempts to convince your ex to come back and instead focus on increasing your ex desire to want to come back and to be with you. Instead of rushing to getting back together and making your ex think you want more at that moment than he/she is ready for, you warm him/her to the idea of being together again.
The main reason for not trying to “actively get back together” for some time is that if your ex hasn’t warmed up to the idea of communicating with you again, let alone the idea that the relationship can work again, all attempts to convince him/her to come back will be met with rejection. The more times you try to talk him/her into getting back together, the stronger his/her resolve not to come back.
Not trying to “actively get back together” for some time helps slow things down at least until your ex’s feelings for you have caught up with your feelings for him/her. It ensures that your ex does not feel pressured to come back and also ensures you are not getting far ahead of your ex’s feelings for you.
No doubt this requires a shift in thinking, but it may well just be your only chance of getting back your ex.