It hurts deeply when you thought your relationship meant a lot to both of you and then from what seems like from nowhere, it’s over.
You are left wondering, why did they leave? Why didn’t they talk to me about what they were feeling? We could have worked things out.
And you are right to ask “why” and also right to be angry that your ex chose to break-up rather than work things out. Feeling frustration and even anger is normal.
That said. I have been in the business of break-ups long enough to understand that people don’t just wake up one day and walk out of a valued relationship.
Most of the time, we feel the relationship is working for us and think it must be working for the other person as well. And often times the other person, because of fear of hurting us, inability to express one’s true feelings or pure malice will not tell us things aren’t working for them. Some others try to tell us but we don’t listen, or we try to “reason’ them out of what they are feeling.
I have spoken to many men and women who say, my ex gave this and that reason for the break-up, but I don’t believe them. And in the same breath say, “we could have worked things out”.
How could you have worked things out when you can’t even agree on why the break-up happened? How can you work things out when you dismiss, reject or talk past what your ex is trying to communicate to you about why they feel they can’t be in a relationship with you?
If you are stuck in “why” the break-up happened and can’t move on because you don’t have closure, you need to look at how you are thinking about the break-up and how you are processing your emotions. This is what is keeping you stuck. This is what is creating more emotional anguish than is necessary.
If you are trying to get back your ex and keep hitting the re-set button, chances are that you have not properly processed the break-up and your emotions keep getting in the way. You may still be upset that your ex chose to break-up rather than work things out. You may still even harbour resentment for how your ex chose to end the relationship (i.e. by text instead of face-to-face, or just dropping “we’re breaking up” without giving you a chance to explain yourself or plead your case).
You can’t make any meaningful progress until you move past what’s causing your emotions to get in the way of any efforts towards getting back your ex.
You may even have a real good chance, but every time you hit the re-set button, the odds of you getting back together decrease. With every failed “start-over”, you are telling your ex that starting over is not possible. The relationship can never work.
To see any meaningful progress, the first place to start is within. Anything else is you spinning your wheels until either your ex moves on with someone else or you decide (out of frustration and anger) to “move on” (more like give up).
So before you “give up”, ask yourself “Did I give US a real chance?” or “Am I letting my emotions get the best of me?”
If your emotions are the problem, I recommend getting my book “It’s Just A Break-Up” before you walk away from someone you still love. Work on those emotions and give yourselves a real decent chance!