Why Fearful Avoidants Worry You Won’t Love or Want Them

Many fearful avoidants struggle to believe that others love them or want to be with them, and trying to get back a fearful avoidant ex who feels that you can’t possibly love them and/or are just pretending to love them is not easy. Sometimes the more you try to convince a fearful avoidant that you love them and want to be with them, the more they push you away.

Because of their past experiences and past traumas, fearful avoidants have a hard time believing they are worthy of love and/or someone can actually love them for who they are. Some fearful avoidant exes breakup with you to protect you from themselves. They feel like something must be wrong with them, they’ll never enough, are defective, broken or damaged, and if you knew who they really are, you’d not want to be around them or want them back.

Known as “I’m not all that” phenomena or relationship imposter syndrome, it permeates every aspect of a fearful avoidant’s life and every aspect of a fearful avoidant’s dating and relationships experiences, and causes them to:

1. Avoid relationships

They avoid relationships because they feel that they don’t deserve love, don’t deserve to be loved in a certain way or deserve someone. They can’t believe that someone kind, loving, caring, good looking, smart, successful, from a good background etc., can possibly be interested in them, like them or love them. It’s better to avoid relationships all together because wanting them will inevitably lead to rejection and pain.

2. Limit in-depth interactions

They keep their thoughts and emotions to themselves, don’t express their unmet emotional needs, avoid emotional intimacy, keep busy etc,. to keep people at a distance and to limit interaction and decrease the chances of exposing  the internal chaos underneath the composed, well put together and hard working exterior. They fear that if if you knew what they were really thinking or feeling you might be so put off that you’ll not be able to accept who they really are.

3. Work hard to impress

They constantly fear that others will see that they’re flawed and as a result, they people-please, love bomb, fawn over you in an attempt to impress you and be seen as lovable, acceptable and worthy. Some fearful avoidant even mirror you and invest a lot of time and effort in acting like what they think is your idea of an ideal partner.

4. Selectively self-disclose

They selectively share vulnerable aspects of themselves, childhood experiences or past relationships they believe helps them gain validation and acceptance and shape the way they want to be perceived, but hide information that they believe will negatively bias the way you perceive them or feel about them.

5. Create obstacles

It’s a kind of self-sabotage where fearful avoidants intentionally create obstacles or avoid putting in too much effort to justify failure by blaming the obstacles rather than expose the fact that they fell helpless and hopeless. They don’t know what they want, don’t know what to do, or lack the knowledge and skills to do something right or do it at all.

6. Doubt relationships

They feel that because they’re hiding their true self, they are a fake, imposter performing a role of being in love or in a relationship. They may also believe and feel that the relationship is fake because you don’t really know them or are just pretending to love them.

7. Choose unhealthy partners

They choose people who they feel are just as “messed up” as they are or “worse” than themselves because they feel that no one would want to be with somebody who is “messed up” or has a pessimistic and gloomy outlook on life. At least with people like themselves or worse than themselves, they  feel they’re not so broken or damaged after all.

8. Reject positive feedback

They feel and believe that there’s nothing good or of value in them and any positive thing people say about them is either a lie or an attempt to manipulate them. Some fearful avoidants react to positive feedback with anger and others make sure that you understand that they’re not all that.

One client told me when she told her fearful avoidant ex that he made her feel like no man had ever made her feel, his reply was either her standards were really low or she was too desperate to see that he was a jerk who just happens to say the right things and act in the right ways to get women to fall in love with him.

9. Repeatedly break up

They repeatedly break up and reconnect again because they’re trying to hide the fact that they feel like a constant failure who will continue to fail in relationships and will never get better. They may even be unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship but temporally fake being happy and satisfied with the relationship but the build up of being with someone but feel so alone overwhelms them and they breakup again. Then they come back and try it again and again.

10. Fear commitment

They avoid commitment because they don’t want to lead you into believing that they can make you happy, meet your needs or sustain a relationship when they can’t. I know, it’s crazy to think that a fearful avoidant afraid to commit may actually be their way of protecting you from themselves. But it makes sense when you understand that fearful avoidants have this deep seated belief that something must be wrong with them, and it’s not IF you’ll find it out for yourself, but WHEN.

They may truly believe that they’re protecting you from pain

As I said earlier, trying to reconnect with a fearful avoidant ex who feels that you can’t possibly love them and/or are just pretending to love them is not easy.

But if a fearful avoidant still wants you in their life even if right now they don’t want a relationship or feel they can’t commit to you, they must deep inside believe that if they felt loved it’s because you truly loved them. But even knowing that is not enough to overcome the feeling that soon or later you will find out they’re not who you think they are. They’d rather protect you from the pain you will feel later than lead you on.

This is not one of those things you just tell a fearful avoidant that you think nothing is wrong with them or they’re good enough for you and they believe you and everything is fine. In many cases it can actually make a fearful avoidant feel like you truly don’t know them or they’ve tricked or fooled you into believing they’re someone they’re not.

Validate their experience and feelings – not try to convince them differently

What I’ve found sometimes works is ask if they want to talk about the origin of what they feel they’re never enough, are defective, broken or damaged or where they first heard the words they use to describe themselves. Don’t contradict, dismiss or change what they think or feel (e.g. say “I think you are good enough” or “I don’t I love everything about you”.

First, they don’t believe that. Secondly, they’ll feel their experience is being discounted or dismissed or that they’re heard or fully understood. Third, it confirms their fear that vulnerability is a risk (that’s not worth it).

It’s their experience, you are only there as a witness. Validate their experience and feelings, help them cultivate self-compassion and nurture an environment that allows them to see that what they think and believe about themselves is only in their mind. If they’re open to seeing a therapist, encourage them to seek help.

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