Fearful Avoidant – It’s Me Not You, WAIT, It’s You Not Me

I tell my clients that if you are unsure if your ex is a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant look at if your ex’s behaviour before the breakup was a consistent hard “go away” or if their behaviour was an inconsistent “go away/come here”. I say “before the breakup” because people’s behaviours change after the breakup to a point that sometimes they feel like a different person.

If your ex’s behaviour during the relationship was an inconsistent “go away/come here” and left scared, confused and unable to figure out what exactly is going on, they’re likely a fearful avoidant. And it’s very likely that your fearful avoidant ex also was trying to figure out what exactly was going on with them.

A small and often overlooked detail about fear of abandonment

After the breakup, many fearful avoidants have a hard time figuring out if the reason for the breakup was them or you. Unlike dismissive avoidants who either blame it all on an ex or don’t care whose fault it is that the relationship didn’t work out, it’s important for fearful avoidants to try to understand what happened.

If they lean anxious, they may immediately after the breakup wan to talk about the relationship and the breakup, and if they lean avoidant, it may take them a while to process the breakup. But ultimately, for them to move on or move forward, their attachment style needs to understand how they acted and why it still led to being abandoned.

It may not look like they were “abandoned” if a fearful avoidant ended the relationship, in fact it should be you who feels abandoned, but in attachment theory, abandonment is not so much about who leaves who, but how one feels following a separation whether it’s a separation one instigated, is mutual or was forced on them.

I want you to take note of this small and often overlooked detail about fear of abandonment. It will not only help you understand your fearful avoidant’s ‘it’s not you it’s me, wait, it’s you not me” and vice versa shifting states, but it could be what you need to get them back.

Behaviours are on most part not logical and hard to make them make sense

While both anxiously attached and fearful avoidants have an underlying fear of abandonment how this fear plays out in an anxiously attached is different from how it plays out in a fearful avoidant.

Anxiously attached become aggressive and insistent in an attempt to get reassurance that they are not being abandoned, and /or get their needs met. Following a breakup, they may get angry and push to have a conversation(s) to address their feelings and/or get their needs met. Only when they fail to get reassurance or get their needs met do anxiously attached distance themselves to minimize the rejection or abandonment experience. This pattern of aggression to withdrawal is relatively consistent and therefore considered organized behaviours.

Fearful avoidants react to abandonment with confusion, disorientation, and other odd or conflicting behaviours such as becoming afraid of their ex or preferring the company or attention of strangers, e.g., after the breakup they start following a bunch of strangers on social media, or reaching out to an estranged friend or relative and suddenly start hanging out with them everyday.

The conflicted and odd behaviours can be very confusing especially if you are looking for someone to blame or take responsibility for the breakup and how things are. And because the behaviours do not follow an organized pattern and are on most part not logical it’s hard to make them make sense.

For example: After the breakup a fearful avoidant may takes the blame and says it’s all them. They apologize, tell you how much they appreciate you, tear up an even cry over what they put you through and how you’ve been there for them. They tell you that you are the only person who’s ever truly shown them love, etc.

A few days , weeks or months later, they’re blaming you for everything and even blaming you for their mental health problems. In a few days, weeks or months you went from the person who was always there for them to they couldn’t be themselves with you, from the only person to showed them love to a manipulator and gaslighter, and everything between.

They could also immediately after the breakup be so angry, accuse you of treating them so badly, and/or hurting them deeply, and even unfollow or block you, then a few days, weeks or months later reach out saying, “It’s me” I messed up (or I’m messed up) and sometimes followed by love bombing.

Wait until the shifting between it’s me, no, it’s you stops

If you see this ‘it’s not you it’s me, wait, it’s you not me” behaviour from your fearful avoidant ex, understand that this is common and dare I say “normal” for an attachment style that has a had time figuring out what exactly is going on with them and with others. Yes, it’s confusing and so annoying, but fearful avoidant need to understand how they acted, why it still led to being abandoned, and how to avoid similar future outcomes before they can move forward with trying to get back together.

In fact you should be concerned when a fearful avoidant ex is only stuck on “It’s me, not you” or only stuck on “It’s you, not me”. It means they’re either taking all the blame which will likely lead to feelings of guilt and shame or not taking any responsibility at all leading to no desire or effort to be better and do better.

Don’t try to have a conversation about the breakup or getting back together while your fearful avoidant ex is swinging back and forth between blaming themselves and blaming you.

1. You are not going to get clarity because they don’t have any clarity themselves. On some of the odd after the breakup behaviours like following a bunch of strangers on social media, or hanging out with a friend or relative they hadn’t spoken to in years, they may not even have an explanation other than “I don’t know: and maybe an acknowledgement that something they’re doing is hurt you/is hurting you.

2. You will be met with shifting positions that don’t necessarily reflect how a fearful avoidant will feel after they’ve finished processing things. If they feel pressured they may say they don’t want to get back together and just want to focus on themselves or they’ll agree to get back together but remain distant or backtrack their decision.

3. You will quickly get frustrated and give up too soon.

Wait until the shifting between it’s me, no, it’s you stops, and your fearful avoidant ex can finally see both sides without bias and is ready to talk about why acted the way they did and how they feel about “being abandoned”.

You have two options you can either “give them space” to process on their own or “hold space” while they process things.

My advice is, if you are still feeling deep hurt and/or anger, it’s best to give each other space. Neither of you is safe for the other and things will only get worse. If you have processed the breakup, feel more secure and feel that you can hold space for your fearful avoidant ex to process things, this is a better option. It’s a better option because it allows for open lines of communication which your fearful avoidant will need if they are stuck on some aspect of the relationship or breakup, and need answers to be able to process and move forward.

RELATED:

How Shame Prevents Fearful Avoidants From Coming Back