Fearful Avoidant Says We’re friends But Flirts With Me

Question: Why Is my fearful avoidant flirting with me and calling me babe?

My avoidant ex has consistently insisted that we’re just friends but I wonder if he even knows what that means. He says we’re just friends but continues to flirt with me, calls me babe and makes reference to our sex life when we were together. He knows these things pull me in – hello! I never talk like that to my friends and he says he never talks like that to his friends too.

I’m trying to understand if him acting busy/distant/uncaring but saying we’re friends is part of the pull-push dynamics or am I being manipulated. I hear and read that fearful avoidants are manipulative and to be honest I don’t think I ‘m ready to be friends.

My question to you is, why is he flirting with me and calling me babe if he thinks we’re just friends, and should I tell him I’m not ready to be friends?

Yangki’s Answer: On your first question, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style are manipulative, that’s not a secret. Some of it is conscious and some of it is subconscious. Whether intentional or not, he’s getting his need for connection and need for distance met without any risk of getting too close or risk of abandonment.

That said, avoidant exes sometimes leave the interpretation of “friends” vague to:

1) Allow them to change their mind later if they decide they want to get back together and

2) Enjoy all the benefits or positive things about being in a relationship without actually being in one.

If you go along with it without clarifying what being friends means or setting boundaries on how you are friends, an avoidant will think you’re okay with being “friends” who flirt, call each other babe and talk about sex before the breakup. They see nothing wrong with this because they compartmentalize and separate “beings friends” from flirting and calling each other babe.

One does not have anything to do with the other except maybe when you talk about your sex life when we were together. But even then, that was the past, it has nothing to do with what is happening now.

While compartmentalizing is not necessary a bad thing in that it helps an avoidants cope with situations that may otherwise make them deactivate or shutdown, it can create confusion and even make getting back together harder. This is why it’s important that before you do anything, clarify with your avoidant ex what being friends means and set boundaries on how you are friends.

I’m not telling you to go and complain or accuse your avoidant ex of doing something wrong. Just because you are uncomfortable with something or don’t like it, doesn’t mean the other person has done anything to hurt you. Most of the time people are doing them, it just happens that what they do hurts us. A conversation without blame will be more effective.

On your second question. If you’re not ready to be friends with an ex or if you can’t be friends with an ex, be honest about how you feel. My experience is that some people can be friends with an ex immediately after a break-up, some people need time before they’re ready to be friends with an ex and some people can’t and will never be friends with an ex.

Unfortunately, many anxious people are too desperate to hold onto an avoidant that they feel pressured to be friends with an e when they’re not ready to be friends or can’t be friends with an ex. Many of them even allow the things that hurt and stall their healing process hoping that it’ll make them more attractive to an avoidant.

My advice is to be honest with yourself and honest with your avoidant ex. It is not a negative reflection of you, you’re just being emotionally true to yourself. On the other hand, if you can be friends with an ex immediately after the break-up, who’s to tell you can’t. Do YOU!

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