Fearful Avoidant Ex Will Not Give Me Closure – How to Move On?

Question: My fearful avoidant ex will not give me closure. I understand that he has moved on, I just don’t understand why he refuses to talk to me.

For the first year everything was great. We spent plenty of time together and were happy together. A year in, he started acting moody. He said he thought he was depressed. Then he started ignoring me and getting upset with me for no reason. I reacted with distancing behaviors and would not respond when he tried to reach out. The few times he asked to hang out, I was so upset with how he had treated me; and told him I was going out with my friends. Two months ago he told me he wanted to breakup because he didn’t love me anymore. I asked him why. He said he didn’t know why.

I still don’t know what I did wrong and find it hard to move on. Being a fearful avoidant he will not talk to me to give me closure. I have turned to support forums and some days I feel optimistic but most days I feel like I will not move on until I know what went wrong. I’m not sure if I can ever be happy again. He has complete hold over my heart. Why won’t my fearful avoidant ex give me closure and help me move on?

Yangki’s Answer: I’m sorry that you’re experiencing so much pain. However, I think that expecting your fearful avoidant ex to give you closure is unrealistic. Yes, there are some exes who feel bad about dumping you and try to help you through the healing process, but most fearful avoidants don’t. And as hard as the truth may be to accept, he doesn’t owe it to you to hold your hand through your grief.

No doubt about it, knowing why the relationship ended would make moving a lot a little easier. But since you don’t have that option; you have to accept that you may never know why the relationship ended. Be grateful for the experience and tell yourself the memories of what you had together will remain with you forever; but right now the most important person you should be thinking about is YOU.

Yes, it’s hard but you have to for your own sake. Start giving yourself the attention you’re giving to him. Do things that make you happy: go out with friends, sign up for a self-advancement class, try new adventures, etc. Don’t feel guilty when you feel deep sadness and cry. Crying is apart of the healing process. Let the tears flow, then gather yourself up and keep moving forward.

So many people have done it before and many more are doing it everyday, you too can do it.

RELATED: Break-Up Closure – A Good, Good Bye (Attachment Styles And Closure)

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  1. says: Miriam

    My ex and I just recently broke up. We are not on speaking terms. Id like for us to one day get past all the drama and be civil to each other. We have always been able to talk but this time things ended very badly. Im not entirely sure if I can do anything to get him back.

    1. May be there is something you can do, or may be not. Without details of your relationship, I can’t give much insight into your situation. What I do however know is that, how you are thinking going into trying to re-establish communication or even trying to get him back matters — a lot!

      Since this looks like an on-and-off again relationship, I suggest not using the same approach you’ve used before, whatever that is. It worked up to a certain point. You need to do things differently to get a different result.

  2. says: Hellsbells

    My partner of 14 yrs recently left me for a work collague we have two children together n every day is so hard I just want to tex or ring him n tell him that I love him n that I want him home but I no in my heart that he is happy with her which makes me hurt more he was my first everything I thought we were happy !!

  3. says: Nathalie

    I walked out of a 13 year relationship with the father of my two kids. The reason I left was I felt abandon, unwanted, unloved, unconnected & no communication. There was a lot of disrespect on both ends but I left him 6 months ago and for some reason I miss him like crazy. I’m happy where I am living I don’t want to move out of here and my kids love it, but I miss him I want to be able to just move on I know our relationship wasn’t healthy. Now he acts like a total jerk and says hurtful things & degrades my character.

    1. Looks like there is bad blood on both sides. The fact that you left because you felt abandoned, unwanted, unloved, unconnected, 6 months later you are still calling him total jerk and he still says hurtful and degrading things, and you still miss him says you need serious help — the kind you are not going to get posting comments on an internet article. Until you get serious about getting help, you’ll remain stuck because you are spinning your mental wheels. Toxicity does that to you.

      Btw, I’m not trying to get you to sign up for coaching. I’m not the professional for that kind of help. I’m a coach, not a therapist

  4. says: christine

    Yeah i been torturing myself for the past year, trying to move on it’s the hardest thing i was with my ex for 4.5yrs the perfect relationship no drama then one day BAM i think we should break up i want to be on my own, as u can imagine devastation, i begged did all those things but nothing his friends says he just stubborn and they think i was the best thing to happen to him but nothing.Been a yr now and i see him occasionally but he ignores me which hurts like hell, he still single and sticking to being on his own and i’m coping better day by day i’m still living in hope,he’ll realise but i know cannot forever Love hurts!!

  5. says: Chriss

    I met up with my ex for closure. I apologized for the things I did wrong even though I still don’t know what I did wrong. I even told her I was doing everything I can to change but she said she was clear she no longer wanted to be with her even if I changed. I know in my head it’s really over. I’m trying everything I can to forget about her but it just doesn’t work. There is not a day that I don’t think of her. I want to know why, find closure and move on but it seems I never will because she has completely cut me off.

  6. says: Alejna

    I surely know how you feel because I’m going through a similar thing right now. Mine also told me that I was the perfect woman for him, I made him happy like no one else had ever but yet he still left. I tried everything I could to get him back, even dated another guy but ended cheating on him with my ex because he just wasn’t my ex. Now my ex has made another woman pregnant and says he loves her and will marry her. He obviously has moved on, yet I feel stuck unable to move on. I know this sounds silly but I still love him and still think about what would have been. We were amazing together.

    1. If it helps at all, many of us if we’re honest enough to admit it reminiscence once in a while. But sometimes those same “sweet memories” can keep us stuck in the past. The reality is that the only real thing about your relationship is what WAS (what you had, past tense). The “what could have been” is all your imagination and you’re actively using it to torture yourself. If this was your best friend in your position, would you call her up day after day just to tell her “what could have been” if she and her ex hadn’t broken up. I hope not! At some point you have to stop being your own worst enemy, and start being your own best friend. If you don’t love yourself enough to be your own best friend, who else will?