Fearful Avoidant Ex Will Not Give Me Closure – How to Move On?

Question: My fearful avoidant ex will not give me closure. I understand that he has moved on, I just don’t understand why he refuses to talk to me.

For the first year everything was great. We spent plenty of time together and were happy together. A year in, he started acting moody. He said he thought he was depressed. Then he started ignoring me and getting upset with me for no reason. I reacted with distancing behaviors and would not respond when he tried to reach out. The few times he asked to hang out, I was so upset with how he had treated me; and told him I was going out with my friends. Two months ago he told me he wanted to breakup because he didn’t love me anymore. I asked him why. He said he didn’t know why.

I still don’t know what I did wrong and find it hard to move on. Being a fearful avoidant he will not talk to me to give me closure. I have turned to support forums and some days I feel optimistic but most days I feel like I will not move on until I know what went wrong. I’m not sure if I can ever be happy again. He has complete hold over my heart. Why won’t my fearful avoidant ex give me closure and help me move on?

Yangki’s Answer: I’m sorry that you’re experiencing so much pain. However, I think that expecting your fearful avoidant ex to give you closure is unrealistic. Yes, there are some exes who feel bad about dumping you and try to help you through the healing process, but most fearful avoidants don’t. And as hard as the truth may be to accept, he doesn’t owe it to you to hold your hand through your grief.

No doubt about it, knowing why the relationship ended would make moving a lot a little easier. But since you don’t have that option; you have to accept that you may never know why the relationship ended. Be grateful for the experience and tell yourself the memories of what you had together will remain with you forever; but right now the most important person you should be thinking about is YOU.

Yes, it’s hard but you have to for your own sake. Start giving yourself the attention you’re giving to him. Do things that make you happy: go out with friends, sign up for a self-advancement class, try new adventures, etc. Don’t feel guilty when you feel deep sadness and cry. Crying is apart of the healing process. Let the tears flow, then gather yourself up and keep moving forward.

So many people have done it before and many more are doing it everyday, you too can do it.

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  1. says: Miriam

    My ex and I just recently broke up. We are not on speaking terms. Id like for us to one day get past all the drama and be civil to each other. We have always been able to talk but this time things ended very badly. Im not entirely sure if I can do anything to get him back.

    1. May be there is something you can do, or may be not. Without details of your relationship, I can’t give much insight into your situation. What I do however know is that, how you are thinking going into trying to re-establish communication or even trying to get him back matters — a lot!

      Since this looks like an on-and-off again relationship, I suggest not using the same approach you’ve used before, whatever that is. It worked up to a certain point. You need to do things differently to get a different result.