Fearful Avoidant Ex Texted “Hi” Out Of Nowhere (I’m Confused)

Question: My fearful avoidant ex texted me out of nowhere and now I’m really confused. After the breakup, she asked for space and I gave her the space she asked for. A month later she texted “Hi”. I replied and asked if we were okay and she said we were okay. But when I texted her later she did not respond. I tried to reach out a few times but she had blocked me, so I left her alone. I wasn’t doing no contact, I just assumed she didn’t want me to contact her anymore. She said before that she can’t imagine a life without me. I was both surprised and hurt that she just stopped communicating without explanation.

Last night, a year later, I got another “Hi” text. I didn’t know what to say so I just replied “Hi” . She replied saying she made a mistake texting me and that she was very sorry for having bothered me and that she’d not be bothering me anymore.

I know I should have been more enthusiastic but I was confused. We hadn’t spoken in a year, I didn’t know why she contacted me after not responding to my texts. I also didn’t want to ask her because I didn’t want her to think I was angry with her. I was for a while but got over it. What do you think she wanted and where did I go wrong? Should I contact her and ask her what’s going on?

Yangki’s Answer: Confused it the right emotion when an ex texts you after a year of no communication. It’s even more confusing when they say they made a mistake texting you.

I can’t say with any certainty what she wanted or expected. Maybe she expected you to be excited that she reached out or expected you to be angry and not text back. I don’t know. Frankly, I do not think you should worry too much about what her expectations were/are. I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Acting cautiously was the best you could have done under the circumstances.

Whether to contact her or not is really your call. If you decide to contact her and she does respond (she might not, so don’t be too disappointed), you’ll do yourself a favour bringing everything out in the open. Tell her the random “Hi” texts are confusing. You are happy reopening the lines of communication if this is something she wants too, but if it’s not, it’s not okay to send random “Hi” texts then disappear. It feels like she is playing mind games with you.

Let the cards fall where they fall. You really have nothing to lose at this point other than your self-respect.

I don’t know what caused your breakup, but what I know is that fearful avoidants respect people who are firm and assertive yet reassuring, respectful and considerate. If she’s sending these texts because she’s not sure if you want to talk to her, telling her you are happy reopening the lines of communication will hopefully reassure her that you are not angry and that you do want to talk to her. Telling her it’s not okay to send random “Hi” texts is you communicating a boundary for how you want to be treated. She can’t come in and out of your life as she likes.

I really do hope you can deal with this once and for all and move forward — whichever direction.