Fearful Avoidant Dating Dismissive Avoidant Dynamic (Story)

Have you ever wondered what the dynamic is like between two avoidants, one dismissive and the other fearful avoidant?

Here is what happens when a fearful avoidant dates a dismissive avoidant. Note how the two avoidants process information differently, and how this plays a big role in their dynamic.

Josh is a dismissive avoidant attracted to Natalie, a fearful avoidant. Josh asks Natalie out to a movie and she accepts. They have a pretty good time. A few nights later Josh asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue seeing each other regularly, and after they become exclusive. And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Natalie, and, without really thinking, she says it out loud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.

To Natalie, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship, maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Josh is thinking: Gosh, six months.

And Natalie is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily forward…I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Josh is thinking…so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means.. lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am WAY overdue for an oil change here.

And Natalie is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Josh is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Natalie is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Josh is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags!

And Natalie is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Josh is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and….

“Josh,” Natalie says aloud.

“What?” says Josh, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…Oh gosh, I feel so…” She breaks down sobbing.

“What?” says Josh.

“I’m such a fool,” Natalie sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Josh.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Natalie says.

“No!” says Josh, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that…it’s that I…I need some time,” Natalie says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Josh, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.

(Natalie, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Josh, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Josh.

“That way about time,: says Natalie.

“Oh,” says Josh. “Yes.”

(Natalie turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Josh,” she says.

“Thank you,” Josh.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps unlit dawn, whereas when Josh gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Natalie will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Josh, while playing basketball one day with a mutual friend of his and Natalie’s, pauses just before serving, frowns, and asks Dave, “Did Natalie ever own a horse?”

Josh and Natalie started with so much potential but then that one conversation about the 6-month mark anniversary triggers Natalie’s fearful avoidant attachment style. Because of her own fear of rejection, Natalie reacted to the silence from Josh as him being so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings and projected her feelings about being rejected as Josh’s fear of rejection. But had Josh responded with something reassuring that he was happy with things so far and wanted to continue or take things to another level, things would have gone so differently.

Like most fearful avoidants, Natalie cares about Josh and wants a relationship with him, but because she’s not sure he want to be with her, she creates distance by telling herself she needs more time. But the needing time is not really for herself, it’s for Josh whom she thinks feels pressured. She on her own convinced herself that Josh is angry and it’s her fault for putting him through whatever she thinks she put him through.

But Josh being a dismissive avoidant was not even thinking about the relationship. His priorities were elsewhere, and days, probably even month later, he’s still oblivious to what transpired on the fateful 6-month mark anniversary.