Fearful Avoidant Asking For Time Apart Is A Last Resort

It’s normal to get very anxious and feel like a fearful avoidant is breaking up with you then they ask for time apart to deal with a personal crisis or external stress such as problems at work or losing a job, issues or death in the family, school/exams, news about their health or on-going health issues, challenging life changes or adjustment, mental health issues, etc.

But while it feels like a breakup, a fearful avoidant asking to take time apart or pausing the relationship in order to deal with a personal crisis or external stress doesn’t automatically mean they’re breaking up with you; especially if things are relatively good between the two of you and you’re not doing anything to add to the stress in their life.

Fearful avoidants deal with work stress, health challenges and life stress the way they deal with relationship problems, and that is, avoid dealing with it. But unlike dismissive avoidants who suddenly spring to action when it becomes clear that the external stress is not going away by just avoiding it, fearful avoidants become confused, dazed, self-contradictory, withdrawn and disconnected from their surroundings and other people.

This is because even without problems at work, losing a job, death in the family, or school/exams etc., fearful avoidants already feel like they can’t cope with life which makes the world around them feel scary and unsafe. And they don’t just struggle to cope in life, they also struggle in relationships often feeling conflicted and unable to completely trust that their relationship partners won’t hurt them.

Struggling in life and struggling connecting with others creates a persistent feeling of being stuck, helpless and with no possible way out. Losing a job, stress at work, family crisis, upcoming exam , a health crisis etc., adds to the feeling that they can’t cope in life and will never be able to. This feeling spills over to the relationship and shows up in a fearful avoidant feeling conflicted about the relationship, pulling away, and in some cases a fearful avoidants becomes easily irritable, distracted, and less affectionate.

They may also complain that you don’t have a full understanding of what they’re going through, they can’t rely on you, you’re selfish or don’t care enough. They start cancelling dates, reaching out less and taking longer to respond. By the time a fearful avoidant suggests taking some time apart, they feel like they have no other option.

• They tried to avoid the stressor by suppressing how they feel about it but could only do that short-term because avoiding something doesn’t make it go away.
• They pulled back creating some distance but felt you personalized their need for space and made it a relationship crisis.
• They may have even tried to explain to you that it’s not about you but about them but felt that it didn’t make any difference and/or created frustration for both parties.

But unlike dismissive avoidants who ask for time a part and shift all their energy and time on dealing with the stressor, fearful avoidants remain conflicted even after asking for time apart. They will sometimes continue acting like nothing has changed and even get anxious about separation and do a lot more reaching out, arranging dates  and even show more affection than they did before asking to take time apart.

They feel and act especially confused and self-contradictory when when they’re with someone they want to be able to trust and rely on for support but also have a  fear of burdening with their problems, or someone they feel will be too intrusive and annoying, will make it all about them or will offer help and support then throw it in their face later.

If you ask what time apart means or what they expect you to do while you’re apart, you likely will not get clarification because they’re just as confused about what’s going on with them as you are. You’re left to figure out what exactly it means and what you are supposed to do while taking time apart.

If you are going through this with a fearful avoidant right now, it can feel like the relationship is over. It can even feel like a fearful avoidant is unsure of a relationship with you and it’s making you want to walk away because you don’t want to be with someone who is unsure of you. No one will blame you if you walk away, but if that’s not something you want to do or are not ready to do yet, here are some things you can do to help you not just get through this period in your relationship, but also make sure this doesn’t happen again or at least happens less and less.

Bottom line: Asking for some time apart or putting the relationship on pause is not something fearful avoidants want to do. On one hand separation triggers in fearful avoidants the fear of abandonment and on the other hand, external stress makes them feel scared that they can’t cope with life and will break down or worse.

So if a fearful avoidant is asking for time apart to deal with a personal crisis or external stress it is their very last resort. But taking time apart can become a breakup depending on:

1. Nature of the stress

The nature of the external stress and how long it will take an avoidant to deal with it. Some personal problems take moments and years to resolve.

2. How you respond

How you respond to them putting the relationship on pause. Your reaction can force an avoidant to breakup even though their original intention was to return to the relationship once the external stress was dealt with.

3. State of the relationship

If there were major relationship issues with the relationship that would have led to the breakup later on. Time part will make an avoidant realize they don’t want to come back to the same issues and problems.

4. The intent of taking time apart

If time apart is so they could be free to meet and/or date other people. Something fearful avoidants tend to do as a distraction from dealing with the stress in their life.

RELATED:

Avoidant Ex Wants To Put Things On Hold – What To Do

Avoidant Said They’re Never Coming Back (Decided Too Fast?)