Question: How’ll my ex miss me if he’s contacting me? He broke up with me because I was needy and he felt overwhelmed and needed space. Two days later he contacted me asking how I am. I replied I was okay. A week later he again contacted me and this time I did not respond. All my friends are saying to do no contact, but my mom and sister think he still has feelings for me and I should respond. He is the first boyfriend that treated me well. My last boyfriend was abusive and ghosted me and they both didn’t like him. My whole family like my ex.
Why does he still contact me if he wants space? I’m wrecking my mind here because I don’t know what he wants. I want him to miss me but how will he miss me if he is still contacting me?
Yangki’s Answer: I think that the fact that your ex has contacted you two times means that he misses you. So the “how’ll my ex miss me if he’s contacting me?” question is mute.
Secondly, your ex seems like a good guy. You said yourself, your ex before him abused you and ghosted you. Your current ex treated well, your family likes him; and he cares enough to check on you after the break-up. Have you thought that maybe he didn’t want to break-up but felt that he had no choice? When people feel overwhelmed, and after they’ve told you how they feel a few times; and nothing changes, they have no choice but to break-up.
Thirdly, the reason you are confused with what is happening is because “space” (or time apart) means different things for both of you.
In your mind “space” means “no contact”. In his mind “space” means:
1) some distance from everyday contact (if you’re needy and clingy, need a lot more contact than he does, and/or relying on him for you happiness because you do not have a life outside of the relationship);
2) a break from non-stop arguing and fighting (if that’s what’s happening in your relationship) or;
3) a break from trying to make the relationship work (if you’ve been off-and-on, and the the relationship is still struggling).
Asking for “space” is his way of calling a time-out, not time-off the relationship (which is what you are thinking).
He still wants to keep the lines of communication open and stay connected, but at the same time give both of you space to reflect on what’s going on, and possible see things from an outsider’s perspective. If you’re relying on him for you happiness because you do not have a life outside of the relationship, he’s probably hoping, you’ll start to cultivate a life outside of the relationship, which will then take the pressure/stress off him, and make the relationship better and healthier.
In my opinion, his is a more mature and healthier approach because:
1) He’s not trying to intentionally hurt you by trying to make you miss him;
2) He’s not just thinking of himself and his hurt feelings (which is what you are doing), he is also thinking about what’s good for the relationship.
3) He fully understands that “space” alone does not fix relationship problems, you also need communication.
The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that two people cut off contact with the intention of creating a better relationship, only to regroup and there is no “relationship”.
By getting all worked up over something completely healthy, you may end up losing him completely. Be glad that your ex still cares about you. So many people would give anything for what you have.