Whenever someone tells me “everyone is telling me to forget about my ex and move on…”, I hear “I still love my ex and don’t want to move on, but should I?”
Many people asking this question are often genuinely torn. Some are angry (and rightfully so) that others are making the decision to move on for them.
In my book and comments, I have insisted that a decision that most likely affects only you, should be YOUR decision, and not anyone else’s. Not even me.
It doesn’t mean those saying you should move on are doing something wrong. People who care about you may be truly concerned for you; may be even have a good reason for wanting you to move on, especially if the relationship is toxic or abusive. They think you deserve better and want to make sure you are making a decision that’s best for you.
Of course not everyone saying “move on” cares about you. Some people are saying “move on” because they think it’s what you want to hear, and others… are not even talking about you. They are talking about themselves and their own break-up and/or ex.
But there is another reason why “everyone” may be telling you to move on, and it has little to do with your ex, and everything to do with the way you are telling people about the break-up, and the things you are saying about your ex.
Talking about the break-up is cathartic on most part if it helps you actually heal and move on. Talking about the break-up is unhelpful if it keeps you stuck in grief, and harmful if it causes you to become bitter, resentful and/or depressed.
If you are thinking of trying to get back your ex, or trying to, the things you say about your ex actually hurts your chances of getting back together. What you said in anger or pain, may get back to them and they will not like it. Even if you get back together, your ex is not going to “forget” the things you said about him/her.
This is why when a client talks his or her ex as if they are the worst people in the world I ask, “Then why do you want him/her back?”
If your ex is such a selfish, narcissistic, emotionally cold, cheating, manipulative, going no-where loser… why would you want someone like that back in your life?
It’s no wonder that “everyone is telling you to move on”. The only side of the story they are hearing is yours, and it doesn’t paint your ex is a “good light” to say the least.
Granted, you may be saying all those things about your ex because you are upset, hurt and in pain, but what does that say about you?
That when you are upset you lash out? When you are in pain you become this “other” person that calls people you say you love names and talks bad about them to make yourself feel better, and/or solicit sympathy (or make friends with strangers on the internet)?
Before you listen to “everyone telling you to move on”, ask yourself if you may be responsible for the “negative” perception they have of your relationship and/or your ex.
One of the saddest things about love is walking away from someone you still love because you made a decision about them based on a false or over-emotionalized narrative.
If you are going to walk away from someone you still love, make sure you arrived at that decision after examining the relationship for what it is (not made up stories). Your decision to let him or her go should be because it is what’s best not because you think it will lessen the pain.
You lose some degree of credibility and even respect when you tell someone you are moving on, then a few days/weeks/months come back crawling, tail between legs. It doesn’t say “confident” or “decisive”.
Work through your emotions, then make a decision that you feel good about. That’s confident, and decisive!