There needs to be enough emotional momentum to get and keep your ex’s attention if you are to succeed in attracting back your ex. Without emotional momentum, you find yourself struggling to find what to talk about. You start a conversation and connect, then there no contact or connection for days or even weeks. It’s like this for week, months. Things just stay the same; there is no emotional momentum and no progress.
What is emotional momentum?
Let’s start with what is momentum?
- Tendency of a moving object to continue moving.
- The strength or force that something has when it is moving; the strength or force that allows something to continue or to grow stronger or faster as time passes.
Emotional momentum therefore means creating “emotional events that are re-stimulated by similar or relevant emotions, thoughts, behaviours and environments” (Sixteen Laws Of Emotions)
Say you make an emotional connection with your ex over a movie; for that feeling of connection to retain it’s original power, you have to create similar or relevant emotions or thoughts. Just a one-time emotional connection does not create momentum; the connection has to be re-stimulated to trigger similar or related emotions or thoughts. It doesn’t have to be a conversation about another movie/ Emotional momentum can happen over something else unrelated to a movie; but something that creates similar or relevant emotions or thoughts.
Today you could talk about movies that excited both of you, the next day you may want to talk about furniture in a way that sustains the feeling of excitement originally created by talking about movies, and the day after you may talk about attachment styles and instead of excitement, you may find yourselves connecting on the feeling that “this is deep stuff”.
These moments or emotional events of connection sustained over a period of time (or infinitely) create emotional momentum, and makes your connection grow stronger as time passes. Your ex begins looking forward to your texts or calls, and even start initiating contact just because it feels good to hear from you, and talk to you.
The more of your ex’s attention you hold, the more their emotional investment
As discussed in several of my articles you sacrifice the ability to create emotional momentum when you start a conversation, stop it, and then start it again after a few days (as you do in “low contact” or “limited contact”). There’s just not enough forward movement to create emotional momentum and strengthen the connection between you and your ex.
Most times conversations feel forced and unnatural, and you struggle coming up with what to talk about.
With emotional momentum, you can build conversations that feel more natural and that encourage more sharing and emotional bonding between you and ex.
For example:
Say, you connect on a conversation about Barak Obama being the greatest president ever (I had to go there, hopefully I’ll get many clicks. Hee…heee). But let’s for a moment say you connect and have a really nice conversation. You talk for 5 – 30 minutes depending on how well the conversation goes, and then you have to go your separate ways.
Next time, you can just begin another conversation from… “You can’t believe what I heard on BBC/read in the Global News… (and the conversation is about Barak Obama and what great thing he’s done now!)
Or you can simply say… “I thought again about what you said….”
Or… “After our conversation, I went and looked up….”
Just from that one conversation you can start so many other conversations; and keep building on the positive emotions created in the first conversation. No “what do I say” hand-wringing, “what should I talk about”.
Emotional momentum will carry you over to the next conversation
Once in a while, you may run out of ways to continue the conversation, and that’s okay. Start another conversation.
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Get Your Ex Emotionally Engaged And Start Initiating Contact
Yangki, I followed your advice and re-established contact with my ex by just saying hello by text. She responded. We chatted briefly, nothing about us just catching up. I waited one day then contacted her again and we again had a very nice conversation. Things have progressed to where we have had two amazing dates and he asked me if I want to go with him on a short trip. We still haven’t talked about us in an extensive way except in passing. Should I bring us up on our trip or wait until after?
Go for the trip, see what happens. If it’s still as amazing as the last two dates, then bring it up after you return. The more ‘amazing” new memories you create, the easier it is to talk about the past without it interfering with the present.
Yangki, I have been a long time fan and your advice has really helped me. I have your book and we are at a point where we text each other 2 – 3 times a week, mostly on things not about the relationship or breakup. He has asked to meet up but I have avoided seeing him because I’m still very emotional over the breakup. We broke up because I became too needy and controlling. I’m working on myself and have changed a lot, thanks to you. I’m afraid however that if I keep putting him off he will think I’m not interested, but I’m also afraid I’ll get emotional and give him the impression I’m still the same person I was 4 months ago. What should I do?
When you find yourself with two unwanted choices, always go with honesty: 1) You will have no/less regret/guilt and 2) most people react well to emotional honesty/vulnerability, and it may work to your favour.
Next time he asks to meet, be honest and tell him you also want to see him but you’re not emotionally ready yet. You are working on yourself and although you have changed a lot, you don’t yet feel you are where you want to be. Tell him you appreciate his patience and wish the two of you would remain in contact because it’s helping you see things from a whole different and better angle. Then let him decide what he wants to do. Someone who truly loves you will always want what’s best for you.
That said, try to get your emotions together because if you wait too long before meeting, whatever interest is there will begin to fade.
Yangki, I really like your different approach and already can see a significant shift in our dynamic. I would like to book a phone session with you but have a few questions on how to set up the session. How do I contact you?
Most questions about coaching are answered in Coaching FAQs.
If your question is about long distance calls to a mobile phone (outside of Canada and the US), please contact me via the contact form.
Looking forward to being of help!