Emotional Connection – How to Connect With Your Ex’s Emotions

So many people after a break-up struggle to get back the emotional connection they had with their ex. It’s even harder to emotionally connect with an ex after no contact; and not talking for weeks. You have been out of each other’s lives and struggle to find things to emotionally connect on. Your ex may also be emotionally guarded making creating an emotional connection even harder.

Connecting with your ex’s emotions is the key to having an emotional connection with your ex

Emotional connection, at least in my opinion, is the ability to feel the other person’s emotions like they were your own, and reflect their emotions back to them in away that validates their experience.

To emotionally connect with your ex you must feel their emotion as if they were your own and be able to communicate their emotional experience back to them.

I give this example because it happens to me all the time. You are telling your friend about a restaurant you went to hoping that they can emotionally connect with your experience. But then your friend responds by talking about their own similar experience in the same restaurant; or some other restaurant. On the surface, this may look like emotional connection because you are both talking about the same subject and sharing your experiences with each other, but this is NOT emotional connection. What you are doing is sharing information/different experiences.

Neither of you is feeling the other’s emotions, neither of you is talking about the other’s emotional experience. You’re each talking about your own emotions and own experience. It’s like, “Let me tell you about my experience”… “Oh no… let me tell you about mine”.

The whole point of emotionally connection is know someone (your ex) in a deeper way

When trying to emotionally connect with your ex, the goal should be to end the conversation feeling that you know a lot more about what’s going on inside of your ex: their deeper thoughts, feelings, emotions, aspirations, dreams, interests, etc., than you did before the conversation.

The emphasis is: you know a lot more than you did before the conversation.

A deep emotional connection isn’t just involve your ex’s life but also the people and things they deeply care about. This includes family, friends, pets et. If your ex is emotionally invested in their career or job, the people they deeply care about might include colleagues, patients, clients, fellow volunteers, teammates, activists etc.

Other things your ex may deeply care about include self work/awareness, healthy living/working out, religion, local politics, causes/activism, world affairs, etc.

Just mentioning these topics in passing doesn’t mean you emotionally connected; you have to feel that what your ex shared or what you shared brought the two of you closer.

Sometimes emotional connection with your ex happens instantly, sometimes you have to build the emotional connection

Creating an emotional connection with your ex is like when you get into your friends experience and experience what they experienced as they relate their experience in real time. If they say they were happy, you feel their happiness; and if they say they were disappointed, you feel their disappointment. And if they say something funny, you get the joke. You feel what they are feeling, right there at the same time. That IS emotional connection.

The most interesting thing about emotional connection is that we know it when we FEEL it. It’s not a thought, a guess or some intellectual pursuit, it’s a feeling of one-ness.

You may even not agree on something, but you feel heard, listened to and understood at a deeper level (emotional level).

Creating an emotional connection with your ex doesn’t have to be only “positive” emotions

You can connect on sadness or on anger just as you can connect on joy or excitement. What makes it an emotional connection is that at that point in time, you feel the other’s emotion.

Of course connection desired emotions like joy or excitement feels a lot better than connecting on sadness or on anger. And if you are trying to get your ex back, you’d do yourself well to try to connect on emotions that make both of you feel good.

So if you are learning or doing “active listening”, sharing your feelings, affirming or acknowledging your ex’s feelings and being emotionally supportive, try to go further into emotionally connecting.

You can do this on just about any subject, music, food, work, family, pets, politics… anything.

Here are 10 signs you are emotionally connecting with your ex

1. Your ex is actively interested (excited) in whatever it is you are talking about (you feel that they are present with you).

2.  Your ex is emotionally engaged both in sustaining the conversation and follow-ups (e.g. asking more questions, sharing links or initiating more things to talk about).

3.  You do not stress over what to “talk about” because you and your ex can talk about a range of topics and still not feel like you have had ‘enough’ of each other.

4.  You are not worried about coming across as needy (or contacting your ex too much) because you know your ex wants to talk to you, and looks forward to talking to you.

5.  Contact is regular and gaining momentum.

6.  Conversations flow naturally (you don’t feel like you are pulling teeth or walking on egg-shells).

7.  You feel genuinely understood, listened to and heard, and your ex feels the same.

8.  Your conversations involve a range of emotions shared together. Some conversation may be serious, and other times laid back. Sometimes you talk about your day and other times you joke, tease and laugh together. And sometimes you agree and sometimes you respectfully agree to disagree etc.

9.  You are the first person your ex thinks of contacting when they feel happy or when they feel sad (because they know that you will feel exactly how they feel).

10.  You feel like you “get” each other and sometimes words are not necessary (because you feel what the other feels).

Most of us have experienced this level of connection in the beginning of the relationship and during the relationship. You can experience it again if you are responding (and present); and not just reacting to your own emotions; and not so focused on an agenda or outcome, or thinking only about what’s in it for you.


Emotionally Connect With Your Ex When Sending Funny Videos

How to Connect Emotionally With Your Ex Through Texting

What Questions Should I Ask My Ex?

This Is Why It’s Hard To Reconnect Emotionally With Your Ex 

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2 replies on “Emotional Connection – How to Connect With Your Ex’s Emotions”
  1. says: Angeli

    I love this so much! Do you have any articles on how to develop this emotional connection? Does the connection have to be automatic, or can you learn the ability to develop an emotional connection?

    1. says: Yangki Akiteng

      Yes, so many as a matter of fact. “Emotional connection” is what this site is about. Type “emotional connection” in the site search.

      Some people are ‘naturals” at emotional connection because of how they were raised and others are professionally trained (e.g. therapists). But most people learn it. So yes, it can be learned… and I’m trying to teach it… 🙂

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