“May be I should start by telling you about my ex… give a little bit of background on who he/she is…”
Experience has taught me that when a client starts a session with this kind of statement, the story is most likely going to be one-sided and end with “no hope” of getting back together.
The fastest way to lose hope or completely destroy any chance of you and your ex ever getting back together is to focus on what’s wrong with him or her. This is the same person you fell in love with — faults and all. He or she is still the same person, the only thing that has changed between then and now is the way you’re looking at him or her.
Most people who believe the problem is with the other person have a hard time accepting their own role in the end of the relationship. Some may acknowledge that they could have done better… but if only… the other person had gone along with the agenda and done what the were supposed to do.
Focusing on your ex’s faults, weaknesses, or imperfections is not only refusing to accept your responsibility for the choices you made, it’s also giving up on your ability to do anything about the situation.
You find yourself trying this approach, trying that program or talking to so many different “experts” and getting no where. Everything others say works for them only brings you more resistance from your ex.
What you don’t realize is when you make a big deal of your ex’s “issues”, when you focus on what they are doing wrong or not doing right, you are saying, “I don’t like who you are. I wish that you were someone I can love you.”
Human beings are generally are very sensitive to rejection and pick up it’s energy even when its very subtle. And if they feel that they are not accepted for who they are, they’ll put up walls to protect themselves from getting hurt. When they feel our blame, dissatisfaction and rejection, they react by pulling away or finding someone else who can love them just the way they are.
Any attempts to getting back your ex must come from a place of acceptance and love. That’s the energy that pulls people towards us. It starts with you accepting that this is who your ex is, they may or may not change. Once you accept this, it changes how you are trying to get back your ex and opens up new opportunities to try to get back together.
Instead of being frustrated and/or paralyzed by your ex’s “issues” (which are not going away), acceptance helps you find ways to work with the situation as it is instead of how you wish it was.
You may even find that your ex’s resistance is not because they have “issues” or because of their background, but because of your own resistance to their resistance.
When we start thinking or feeling that the other person is not who we want them to be (how he or she express him or herself themselves, or the way he or she acts), our minds start struggling with who they are and what they are doing. The more we try to change a specific trait, the more annoying it becomes. This creates an environment where you get upset and critical, and your ex in turn puts up a wall of protection, becomes more critical in return or pulls further and further away.
Acceptance allows us to love the other without judgment and without trying to change him/her. It does not mean that we deny, explain away or gloss over their shortcomings, it means we acknowledge these shortcoming but still communicate warmth and acceptance.
Does your ex’s background matter? Yes.
Does it affect relationships? Yes.
Does it affect your chances of getting back together? Yes.
But if you can’t accept your ex with their good bad and ugly, then may be you shouldn’t be trying to get back together.